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My father has been very ill for a long time. He has poly-cystic kidney disease which is hereditary. He is not diabetic, nor a past with drugs or alcohol. He is, unfortunately, extremely verbally abusive. He has always been that way, he has no friends and views the people of this world as idiots and is very vocal about his opinions on everything including his doctors. My stepmother recently retired and has been doing her best to care for him, but he constantly criticizes, screams at her and calls her awful things. He demonstrates sociopathic tendencies and has since I can remember, even when he was perfectly healthy. He is unable to care for himself, but refuses help from anyone except for my stepmother or myself. I live hours away and cannot be available to them nearly enough. He yells for her through out the house at all hours of the day and night, and is just so nasty and mean to her, it is a wonder that she hasn't left, but she is exhausted especially emotionally, she cries whenever she describes how he treats her, and it's just too much to bear. She is a very hard working and loving wife, but he talks to her like she was put on this earth to make him miserable, and he does it so viciously, it makes me want to scream at him. He tries to make me side with him when they argue and of course I can't because he is in the wrong. Physically he is completely incapable of causing her any bodily harm, but he is obstinate, mean, and cruel towards her, and worst of all, he is lucid. He says that she is horrible to him, but I've witnessed first hand how she cooks for him and he takes one bite, and pushes the food away in disgust while saying "tastes like s#1t!" and of course it tastes very good because she has always been a very good cook. He doesn't ask her to do things, he orders her to do things, and of course he is never satisfied even when she does the tasks to the letter. He constantly calls her a liar and a B*. If he were healthy I would punch him in the mouth for the things he says to her, and to me about her whenever I come to visit. She's at her wits end. I've told her that if she chose to divorce him, no one would blame her at all, she is still in good health, she has grand children by my step-sisters that are the most important thing in the world to her but she resides in Texas and her children and grand children are all in Virginia. My older full blooded sister now lives in Washington state so I'm the only one left around but I live and work a full time, actually more than full time( usually 60 hrs plus a week) job in another city 4 hours away. Is there anything she can do for relief from this nightmare? I come up when they call try to give her a break, sometimes she will go stay with one of her sisters, whom he can't stand, he says awful things about her entire family, too. I try coaching him to be nicer but he says she's mean to him and deserves worse. I know she snaps back at him, I've seen it, but being at some ones beck and call 24/7 with all of the appreciation of a hated and loathed enemy is wearing her out. He refuses all outside help and care and is abusive to hospital staff. It's just too much for one person to deal with alone and I'm worried that the emotional toll is going to end up affecting her in a permanent way. I know he's in constant pain, but he was always mean and petty, it's just worse now, and I don't know if there is anything that can be done but if there is anything to relieve her from this monstrous situation, legally and compassionately, I would like to hear about them. I won't lie, I use to live much further away, and I moved back to the area when it seemed he was not going to live for more than a few years. I wanted to try and repair my relationship with him, to offset potential feelings of regret, but he got much better and so I moved away again but now that his health is in steady decline, every hospital trip for his lungs and his heart and his broken pelvis from falling, he gets so weak and frail and looks like he's about to die and says so himself, he just comes back meaner and more awful. It's like the devil is afraid to have him. I know these are awful things to say about your father, but they are true. Unfortunately it seems there isn't a way to put him in hospice or a home without his consent, not that I would wish to subject anyone in those fields to his nature, but what if anything can be done to protect her?

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Doodle, I think I would be very cautious about becoming caregiver to a father I had that kind of history with.
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Your stepmom needs to get the h*ll out & tell that son of a b*tch to drop dead. She sounds like a nice lady. I would take that plate of food & shove it in his face too. I put up with this crap also but she(mom) doesnt live with me. And my whack job mother thinks she can talk to me any way she wants. Every minute I spend with her makes my skin crawl. But she knows I cant stand her and let her know.I could not care less if she eats,craps,dies,or whatever the hell she does,I think your stepmom should do the same.
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My father is 80 and has been verbally abusive to me all my life. My mother recently passed away and he has totally fallen off the deep end. He wants to sue me and make sure that I'm cut out of the families estate. My mother and I have never really understood his hatred towards me and his allegiance to my brother. The only reason that I can think of is: when I was only 9 years old, I found a note on the bar of our lake house and handed it to my mother. I cannot remember if her reaction was anger or tears, but I do remember that my father never was able to love me again. He blamed me for getting caught with his mistake. I've come to the conclusion that I love my dad, but don't like what he says and does. Is this an acceptable reaction to my fathers hatred and his influence on others to dislike me? I'm just too old to fret over their actions. Stress kills. I'm 55 and not getting younger, but I sure miss my mom.
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Do what ever it takes to get this guy in a care facility, then you and your step mom need to walk away. Ther is absolutely no reason for you to give a s**t about this guy!
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I wanted to add to this but really prior answers say it all; your stepmother needs to leave this terrible environment. Help for your father? maybe (big maybe) when his wife leaves he will seek it.
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I can only see one way for your mother to escape. That is to call adult protective services and then walk away. Whether or not she decides to file for divorce is her personal decision. She has to take the first steps and be able to survive on her own which may be an issue. You don't say how long they have been married or whether they have children in common.
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I can only see two possible solutions to the situation -- leave or stand up to the bully. It sounds like he has had a lifetime of people tolerating his abusive, bullying behavior. This doesn't mean they have to continue to tolerate it. I would tell my step-mom to walk away if he gets abusive, letting him know she won't tolerate it any longer. If he wants to be mean, he can set there and be mean all by himself. No one has the right to treat people this way. Somehow he got the notion that he is entitled. Does he treat men the same way, or only women?
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Let's start with the basics. Your dad is mentally ill. It sounds as though he's always been this way. Has he ever had treatment? Oh wait, no, because there never would have been anyone smarter than he is who could help him.

I'm not sure in what way you could repair your relationship with him. If you're really invested in doing that, I'd start out by seeing a therapist who might be able to be at your side as you do it, because you're more likely to get hurt in the process than not.

Your step mom? She's still healthy? She won't be for long with this kind of treatment. If she can't be convinced just to walk away and file for divorce, she should start seeing someone, a therapist or counselor, who can teach her how to have better boundaries. Like it he calls her a bitch, she leaves the room. If he c tickles the cooking, she takes the plate. If he doesn't have dementia or some organic brain disease (and he may) he might be able to be trained, in the way that you might a two year old, that when he's mean, nice things don't happen.
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Um. She should leave. His being ill does not mean that she has to tolerate this kind of treatment.
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She needs to want to help herself. Does she have the financial means to leave? Where are they getting money from? What happens if he outlives her, which could actually happen.

I would try to get her daughters to come and get her. But, then, what are they suppose to do with her?

You have nothing to feel guilty about. The guy sounds like a vicious person.
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