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Long story shortened. my husbands grandfather 88 and his wife of 50years also 88 are both of fairly poor health. They both offered to have Grandpas wife daughter (in her 50s) to move in to help take care of them : take them to doctors appointments, help make dinner, clean house a bit, take them grocery shopping etc. She lives there rent free because she is taking care of them. Grandpa has suttly been hinting that him and the caregiver (his daughter in law) do not get along. Two weeks ago when my husband went to visit grandpa told him he is not doing good at all and he is ready to move out because he does not like how he is being talked to and treated. Come to find out the caregiver since February will randomly flip out on grandpa and cuss him out and say she hates him. He asked his wife to make the caregiver(her daughter ) to move out and she said if she had to move out then she will be moving out with her because her daughter needs her since she was diagnosed with breast cancer a month ago. We went over there and all talked the care giver flipped out on me at first and started cussing me out and then soon calmed down once she realized that i wasn't going to argue with her. At the end of the conversation they all ended up apologizing and hugging it out and saying they will do better . That was two week ago.


These past few weeks we have been calling daily to check on them. Well today grandpa calls me and asks me to come and get him so he can move in with us because the caregiver stormed out of her room started cussing him out because he was vacuuming . I told him to start packing clothes and I would get him when I get off work. 30 mins later he calls my husband and says that his wife cried and begged for him to stay and hat she would take to the caregiver which is her daughter. Well I called later today and could tel the wife was upset she proceeded to tell me the care giver her daughter is moving tomorrow and has said she will no longer take care of them take them to doctors appointments grocery shooing etc. and that she has a prescription that needs to be picked up and she refuses to go get it. I told them not to worry that my husband and I will start calling home health facilities and I will come down every other day. And that after I get off work I would head there to get her card and go pick up her prescription. Witching the 15 mins of me talking to her and arriving at there house to get the card to go to pharmacy tonight the there of them were in the living room and I walked in and was told "they have made up again" "it was all going to be ok" the only thing I can think is she planned on moving it for a few days and knew that grandpa and Ann would call and beg for her to come back because they "needed her" in believe she seen hat I was calling and picked up the home phone in her room and listened in on her mother and my conversation about how she shouldn't worry and how we will get home health and help her and she freaked out and realized she needed to apologize or she would be homeless. Grandpa rode with me to the store and I told him I did not believe he problem is fixed and in a week or so she will be back to her old way and cussing and yelling at him again. But he wants to give her one last chance because once again she has gave them a pity party and played a mind game with them. She has them believing no one will help them but her and that she has no where to go and since she now has cancer she needs everything to. She really needs to move but she won't. I am at a lost to what to do. I know this vicious cycle will keep going in and on and it is not good for any of them..

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The fact that she was never legally adopted and is not a bio child to either of them doesn't change the fact that she was raised by them and they are both the only parents she has ever known.
I do get that the whole relationship is dysfunctional on so many levels.... I think you need to protect yourself from getting sucked into the whirlpool. She is bitter and unhappy, and now also ill. Grandma defends her. Grandpa complains to you and then backs off. You feel helpless and responsible
You say she came to help with transport and minor household chores. It sounds to me as though they are both mentally competent, so the bickering between husband wife and unofficial child is a domestic problem that is not yours to solve. Make it clear that you are available to help them move into an AL or IL if they need more care, but under no circumstances offer your own home! Don't allow grandpa to use you as leverage in his marital disputes, and don't allow you and your husband to be the dumping ground for all of the family disharmony. I guarantee when you hang up the phone he will go back to the same old, same old after having gotten it off his chest and you will feel tied in knots.
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I guess I should clarify a few things.
She is not biologically either of there's she was given to grandmother when she was a baby by a friend never was legally adopted but she know grandmother as mom.

And the yelling and cussing grandpa has been going on since February before she was diagnosed with stage one cancer. How I do know that she is very stressed out and indonknownshenis very tired I know first hand cancer is not easy in anyone . I have offered to call them home health in multiple times . I have begged and pleaded grandma and daughter absolutely refuse they say they got it .
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What I see here is all 3 people need help. The two oldsters need a healthy, younger, stronger person in there. So hire a housekeeper/cook/bath aide for them. Take the pressure off the live-in caregiver. And I know you won't like this, but even live-ins collect a wage beyond room and board.
For comparison, you move in for a week and do all that she did. Then add in cancer to the mix. She's living a nightmare plus 24/7 care.
You can help all 3 by getting an extra person in there. It will also lessen the conflict.
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I think you're underestimating the impact of a first diagnosis and first experience with breast cancer. Add to that the obligation and immense responsibilities of caring for older parents and you have a volatile, unworkable and completely unrealistic situation.

It's obvious also that the grandfather has no concept of what dealing with cancer entails; his focus is on himself, and that's probably understandable given that he needs his own level of care and attention.

I went through at least 4 and maybe 5 (I lost count) rounds of chemo and/or radiation (and sometimes both together) with my sister. During the first and the last, it was overwhelming. She was ill, weak, exhausted, and caring for her was enough for one person. There's no way despite being a strong woman that she could care for 2 older people.

Someone in treatment for cancer needs assistance herself; to expect her to take care of two older people with their own needs and idiocyncracies is unrealistic.

Help the DIL find her own place and get her connected to Gilda's Club if there's one in the area. She'll find her own support there. At her age and depending on a lot of other factors (including stage of the cancer), she may have a good chance of beating it this time around. But not if she's responsible for 2 older people, one of whom is critical of her.

Continuing to try to take care of your grandparents, regardless of family dynamics, will deter her own recovery from breast cancer.
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First, your grandparents have been married for 50 years and she has a daughter in her 50s... excuse my math, but that seems to mean grandpa has known and been a father to her since she was a small child, so I don't understand this insistence that it is "her daughter". This seems to point to some deep seated family dysfunction.
So lets suppose this woman (your husband's Aunt) moved in with the best of intentions. She didn't pay rent, she accepted room and board in lieu of pay for care, that seems reasonable to me. But personalities clashed, and then she was diagnosed with breast cancer. It seems to me that it is perfectly reasonable for your grandmother is concerned for her daughter. It also seems reasonable that her daughter can not care for her parents when she needs to focus on herself. I would think that the best approach is to acknowledge that poor Aunt needs to be rescued from this situation, and needs help to find a home and caregivers for herself, not to be turfed out as if she was a no longer welcome inconvenience.
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Elders should not be abused in any form. It seems as though the caregiver just can't take the stress and should be removed one way or another. There will be hurt feelings for awhile in the family, but the abuse must be stopped. If she gets out in public and throws one of her fits, someone else may call APS and report it. This is especially stressful on you, but look at the big picture. It seems that talking with her won't help as she will continue her same pattern over again. Home health is a great idea as they have so many resources to help both of them in ways that you or another family member can't. Call and speak with the social worker with the home health agency. I bet she will have some solutions that will work out best for all involved.
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