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My boyfriend's mom refuses to use the bathroom and insists on sitting in wet depends. Everytime she develops a uti, 3 days before her physical symptoms appear have an allergic reaction and need to start on medication. The Dr and nurse will order a urine test based on my allergies. About a week ago, it was so bad i had to go to er for the reaction. Therefore, when she has a UTI, I avoid her and will not go near her until she is treated. She gets extremely mad the Dr and nurse listen to me. To make a long story short, she calls all her friends and family tells them im mean and hate her then I have to constantly defend myself. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this situation?

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For UTI use "cleartract which is cranberry extract. ☆I'm an RN and utilize behavior modification for difficult situations and noncompliance.
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Scott, my boyfriend works in construction all day to pay off irs and other debt they transferred to him without his knowledge when he gets home or has a day off he to do upkeep on the house ie put a new roof on, cut firewood since the house is heated through wood stoves. Since i do accounting out of the house, he needs to stay home from work and provide care until i get home every tuesday. So i can sleep, my phone is turned off from 10 p til 2 and he is responsible for them then and he comes home for lunch an hour a day so i can get a small break. His parents should be placed in a nursing home like the dr and skilled nurse has stated for the last 2 years. The problem is he has a worthless brother who has convinced his parents the dr and nurses are trying to generate business for friends who own nursing homes. His brother will not help at all and creates more problems with this stupidity and arrogance. I asked that the brother and his wife bring over dinner once a week and they wont even do that.As for the living situation, his parents were irresponsible with money their entire life and lost several homes due to failure to pay property taxes. 20 years ago they converted a barn into a house therefore, the downstairs floor is concrete with clay tiles over it. Both have degeneration in their backs and the neurosurgeon stated the wrong type of fall could sever their spine. I know the solution is a nursing home but due to crazy german beliefs, his parents believe they should be taken care of by their children in their old age. Unlike his parents, my parents would never ask their children to do anything like this which honestly does cause me to be resentful at times.
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If mom has a UTI, she's probably acting crazy as well. A friend's mother had to be put in restraints with her UTI. She lived alone and he went home for the holidays and found her insane. My mother - usually very good tempered gets violent with UTIs and had to be hospitalized and restrained. Be glad it's just nasty phone calls.
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You are wrestling with a shadow! Only you can make it stop. The woman you are talking about who has the UTIs is bent on "sowing strife among the brethren." Nothing you do or don't do will ever pacify her. Take care of yourself. That's your first responsibility. "Love others .....as you love yourself."
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In order for you to smell something, that something has to be giving off molecules. In other words, when you smell urine tiny urine molecules are actually entering your nose. Gross, I know, but that's what is happening. Not too bad when you urinate and flush. It's another story when someone doesn't bathe for weeks or change Depends for days at a time. I know when mom walks through the room I literally gag and run with my mouth and nose covered. The odor doesn't leave with her either. It hangs in the air like a toxic blanket. When it's that strong, it's sensory overload. One minute I'm fine. The next minute I'm sneezing, and my nasal passages swell shut. Crazy amounts of mucous follow. It's lovely.
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Joann29 I stressed this question to her same as yours but no response.Where is the wonans son, why is the girlfriend taking care of her especially that shes getting these alergies.There something here that is not adding up.By the way to the writer of this question its not being rude to say what I feel.And why are the parents on the upper level they should be on the lower level.
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I have found on sites like this there are people who join just to start trouble. Hopefully there is someone who oversees the site and will block thee rude people.
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Please, I'm not trying to be rude but why do you have the responsibility of her care. Where is ur boyfriend in all this? To me, you are a good person to do this for her.

I am very sensitive to smells. I don't wear perfumes because I get a headache. I think not much u can do but what you r doing. People, this is not her responsibility. Even if the woman was her MIL not her responsibility.
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Tacy022- you are an angel. Busting your ass. Keep reading and posting, I hope you can get answers to help your situation. You've been with a great guy for 15 years- I believe u qualify as common law wife. Sometimes the answers that are given here try to make things black and white. You situation sounds like you have a lot of grey areas. It is difficult when the male is inappropriate with the help/ or combative. Have you considered having the mom assessed by a council on aging nurse, to see if she can be assessed and she will have to be cleaned more frequently. This would help with your allergy- can anything be done to her diet to help keep UTI's always. Your boyfriend has taken the financial responsibility, he needs to get the health care POA. Good luck.
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The reaction starts with headaches, breathing issues, runny nose and watery eyes. A couple weeks ago was hives...it was the first time i had a skin reaction. I am taking care of her becauae when his parents filed bankrupcy, they improperly transferred assets into his name so he is liable for irs business taxes his parents didnt pay and he needs to pay off a slew of their debts. We have caregivers twice a day for bathing but due to the fact that his father inaplropriately touches the workers, tbe agency will pull out if im not at the home. We are already on our 8th and final agency with waiver. In addition, his father has been kicked out of all programs due to his behavior. His mom thinks the workers are friends so beside a bath and depends, they talk and watch tv. We changed the waiver agency and have been offered 12 hours a day and respite and his mom refuses...even if she accepted, his dad still needs to be taken care of
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Urine can break down into ammonia in just a couple of hours and the ammonia itself can trigger an allergic-type reaction. Would it be possible to sprinkle some anti-fungal desenex powder into each Depends as it is put on? That would at least slow down the conversion to ammonia and it may help stop the UTI's as well.
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I hate to play devil's advocate, but I am going to anyway.

Why is taking care of your boyfriend's mother your responsibility? It sounds as if you take care of EVERYTHING. What does your boyfriend take care of? Are you being paid to take care of them?

What kinds of reactions do you have? Skin reactions, respiratory reactions, etc?

Perhaps it is time to consider getting someone into their place to do the caretaking. You can still manage the finances, but let someone else deal with the physical part of it. Who helps her bathe, since she is too big for you to manage? Your boyfriend?

The other choice is to move out altogether, either get someone into their place to help them or put them into an assisted living facility. If it adversely affects your health to the point where you are going to emergency rooms, there must be a change. Maybe tell your boyfriend to start pulling his own weight & take care of his mother, since he wants to live in her home. Just because you work from home doesn't mean that you have to be their caretakers too.
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Tacy; Glad you came back. You are wise to step back if this is affecting your health. You might also seek counseling to "get over" your parents' nasty divorce. We needn't make the mistakes our parents did; if anything, we can learn from them.
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While i appreciate positive support, i will expand on the original post. We live in a house converted into two living quarters his parents upstairs, us downstairs. I have seen an allergist who confirmed the allergy to urine and thought we had a pet which we dont. As for shirking responsibilities, the short answer is i have no obligation according to social workers and the elder care lawyer but i work from the house as well as provide 24/7 hour care which includes all medication, dr appts, pt, all medical and financial matters, cooking, cleaning...everything except bathing due to the fact shes over twice my size so its a safety issue and changing depends. When i have a reaction, i will not go into the room she occupies due to the allergies... i shut the door, open windows and continue to do other things around the house. As for marriage, due to a nasty divorce between my parents, i wont get married even though weve been together over 15 years. So scott, your comments are not very intelligent. I have a mother and its direspectful to her to call someone else mom. As for living arrangements, his parents are still considered competent even though theyve been told repeatedly they need assisted living...they refuse to go to psychiatrist for compentcy exam.
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Aside from the valid questions about why you are caring for a woman you are really not related to at the moment.....as a retired RN, I would want to know WHERE you get the rash? Is it your hands? Are you wearing gloves when you help this woman with her bathroom needs? And, YES, you could be reacting to the chemicals in the depends....and perhaps dry depends do not cause this, but wet ones do? It doesn't really make sense that you get an allergic reaction ONLY when she has a UTI, though? Personally, I would not be caring for anyone who affected my own health, related or not. I would be, if related, looking at resources to see if caregivers could be hired for the more personal care. But perhaps you and your boyfriend are living with his mother? That would make it harder to refuse to help her, especially if boyfriend is working and you are there all day with her. However, if all that were the case, I still would not provide care that affected my own health. And I would NOT deal with defensively having to face people she complained to about me either....not if something affected my health to the point I had to go to the ED for treatment!! Really, IF you live in the house, and IF you want to be involved with his mother's care, you could cook meals, clean, do laundry, run errands and pay bills, while there is someone else who helps her with personal care needs. You are not legally responsible for doing this personal care, unless she is paying YOU to do it. And if she is, then she could NOT pay YOU and pay someone else instead, while you get a job outside the home to contribute to that expense.
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I reserve my opinion regarding whether or not your boyfriend should marry you/you marry him. I do however believe that certain rights and responsibilities come with the commitment of marriage versus being in a 'dating' relationship. There is a reason it is viewed differently from a legal standpoint. First of all, your boyfriend, if he intends to make a serious, permanent commitment to you, needs to consider you first while also being caring and responsible to his mother. He can prove this by being enough of a man to handle things with his own mother and not putting you in the 'fray'. Next, if you really have allergy issues and her cleanliness is her personal choice, you are not obligated to endanger your own health, emotionally or physically, for anyone. A grown child can make sure an elderly parent has what they need without becoming a slave to that parent's whims. A man who is not a mama's boy will calmly explain the options to his mother and expect you to do less than care for yourself. There is no judgement here other than just observing how so many of (us) women put ourselves into less than desirable situations with men and why? Aren't we worth coming first with a man we put first and love? Interestingly and repeatedly these kinds of issues seem to be voiced more by women than men. Men in general tend to be shall we say, healthier, in looking out for what they need. Women need to put themselves sometimes on if not a pedestal then at least a step higher and show the men they want and love that they may not have them to share their beds, cook their food or care for their mothers without respect and a legal title.
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You shrug responsibility, and there will be hell to pay. Think about that
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You don't say if you live in the same house. If you do I would consider moving out for health reasons. She is not your responsbility and you do not need to defend yourself (ScottDenny). You could very well have an allergy to the depends. Also if there is a strong smell of urine I am sure this can make you sick. The doctor can also prescribe meds to take every day to help with her UTI's.
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I wonder if it's the chemicals in the depends.
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Tacy, I am so glad you posted this. I've been baffled as to why I am having what seems to be spontaneous allergies for the past 8 months. Mom moved in with me a year ago. She'll go 3 weeks without showering. She also sits in wet Depends and refuses to change them for days. Sometimes, she doesn't wear them at all, and that smells worse! I can't be in the same room with her most of the time. She has depression, not dementia.
I suggest you do what I'm doing. Make other living arrangements for her. Your health is more important than whatever reason she has for living with you.
It is NOT your responsibility to put up with this nonsense. Just ignore the rude posts. Scottdenny obviously has issues and should probably be seeing a therapist for his anger issues.
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Scottdenny's that is rude.
Tacy maybe just try reasoning with her and explain how in healthy sitting in wet depends is. Her skin could get degraded and have more issues than just a UTI. I take a cranberry supplement daily and suggest it to all women. To keep UTI's away. Good luck
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Well, scottdenny, aren't you a judgmental ignoramus !!!

If you can't be of help, please just keep your mouth shut !!!!!
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ScottDenny's comment is quite inappropriate.
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ScottDenny's comment is quite inappropriate.
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I think its all in your head.it sounds like you try to avoid doing the right thing, look at yourself in the mirror.By the way maybe you and your boyfriend should get married so you call her Mom instead of my boyfriends mother.Sounds like you just like to shrug responsibility.
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Sure, YOU stop defending YOURSELF.

Get written statement from the doctor and the nurse and show these to anyone who complains to you, including your boyfriend's mother.
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