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My mom is 86 and has dementia. She was with me for 12 months and then i wanted to put her in old age home and my one brother did want to so he came to fetch her and was cross with me for months...then after 5 months he could'nt handle it anymore and said the right thing to do is to put her in a home. i arranged everything and took her against her will. After i week i went to visit and she cried all the time so i phoned him and nobody was prepared to take her back so i took her home with me. I've 3 brothers. It's been 7 months now and none of them is visiting or phoning her or financially contributing. Funny when i suggested to put my mom in a home all of them were quick to judge me but now that my mom is with me they are all quiet. My 2 brothers took all her money. Mentally i feel i cannot handle it anymore because my ex had a brain injury and is like a child so i still have to mentally handle him as well. I think i am going to take my mom back to a home next year february to get my life back but why do i feel so guilty? Financially i battle as well. Help please

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Just so you know, this woman passed away with her children holding her hands and holding her in their arms...they loved her.
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We feel we have a responsibility toward our parents as they age. Sweetie, we are not miracle workers. The guilt is because we feel we are letting our parents down, yet the reality is we are only human. There is the Area Agency on Aging in every state that has programs available that your mother may qualify for that includes home health care workers to come in to help you out, respite time, adult daycare. There is also the reality that while we believe we are giving the best possible care available...our parent needs professional care in a facility. Of course our parent does not want to be there. There are many facilities that offer good care...it is the stigma of placing a parent there that causes all types of guilt that we are throwing our parent away, don't want the responsibility, and are selfish children. Parents can and will add to that guilt. You and only you can make this choice...choose a good care center, allow your mother a few months to adjust (she will always ask to go home as long as she remembers she has a home to do to). No one wants to lose control of their body, mind and life but sometimes decisions have to be made that are beneficial to all concerned.

I am going to tell you a story about a woman I went to church with. As she was declining, she was placed in a NH. It was her body that was declining not her mind. She cried out to the staff that she was dying, the minister was called in. He would rush over to the NH only to find out she was ok, this happened several times. This woman complained to my mother when she visited that no one was visiting her, her children abandoned her. This was not true, her son came every morning before he went to work, her daughters visited everyday after work. They had to continue to work... her children had financial responsibilities plus preparing for their own golden years. The minister quit responding her cries of dying on the spot. You have to try to develop some boundaries so you can live and take care yourself physically and financially first. You are of no use to your mother if you are wore out and cannot advocate for her. Your mother can and will be taken care of in a facility as you advocate on her behalf. This does mean that you care and love her...you also care and love yourself.
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There is no need to be guilty. You are doing what you can. You take the decision maker so do what you feel is right as your brothers did not take responsibility when thay had to, so they have no say right now.
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