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A few months ago I posted this:


What is wrong with me??
I can't take this anymore!! My elderly father talks so badly about me to the care takers. Yesterday we got into a shouting match and he told me I was going to go blind, because god was going to punish me for not honoring my parents. I only gave up my life to come in and care for him. I made the decision to get my own apartment. I am not walking away 100% but I need to find peace and if going away for 1 week or days is going to bring me peace I feel like I have to do it. I have talked to friends about it in the past and they always change my mind. I hear things like that's crazy you are wasting money. My peace is worth more then anything. Oh and btw I am not the only child there are 4 more who have not set foot in 3 yrs!!! So what the hell is wrong with me!!!


I just moved into my apartment on Friday 04/09, on Monday 04/12 I get a phone call from APS stating that I had been reported for neglect and that my father was not being taken care of, no food or medications, and that he is left along to many hours. I have to work and need to have my own life. I was speechless for words on how all those accusations were being made towards me. I don't have any ideas on who could have said it. I know our neighbors are very nosy since I have had issues in the past. Did I make the wrong decision in moving out??? I am his POA but in order for me to care for him I needed to set boundaries. PLEASE HELP ME!!

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Someone called APS on my parents when they were living perfectly well in their house on their own. We never did find out who called or why. My parents never needed in-home help until my dad (the healthy one without dementia) was diagnosed with cancer. I moved in with them at that point and was with them until he died, then I moved my mom to a nursing home.

My dad was distraught that someone wouldn't come straight to him with their concerns rather than reporting them to APS, but folks are weak and won't do that. I told him we knew they were fine, I was there weekly to spend the day with them, and my brother lived a mile away. The call was ludicrous and unnecessary. At the time of the call, he was active in the community, attended church regularly, and took care of my mother and the house on his own. It isn't like they'd disappeared off the face of the earth.

I say don't sweat the APS report but put your dad in a nursing home now. That will bring you the greatest peace. He's made your life miserable, and it isn't going to get better. I do have to wonder how he's taking his medications properly if a caregiver is only there for two hours in the mornings, though. Who makes sure he's taking them in the evenings?
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Rhernandez20 Apr 16, 2021
I am responsible for his medications, he does take them in the evening and morning. I place them in pill boxes and at the end of the week he puts the empty ones on the kitchen table. I know that when it gets to the point where he is not taking them or forgetting then i have to place him. Believe me he takes them! i see him in the camera
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So i am not wanting to withdrawal as his POA, my plan is still to care for him but from a distance. I have 1 caretaker Mon-Fri 10am-12pm who comes in cooks breakfast and bathes him M,W,F. Then one who comes everyother week for 6 hrs. Then on Sat and Sunday 12pm-2pm. I am still staying 2 or 3 days a week and some weekends i work full time. My father was DX with mild dementia/narcissist traits. He is still very aware of what he is doing/saying. My caretakers tell me this as well. I have cameras so i am always checking on him during the day and the nights i am not there. When i see that my father can no longer do things or starts to decline mentally then my plan is to place him in a nursing home. I am trying to keep him at home with his dog for as long as i can. I a having a hard time dealing with all this emotionally. I just turned 55 and now living in a Senior apartment complex and today makes 1 week and i love it. I pray everyday that God give me the strength to get through this.
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notgoodenough Apr 16, 2021
Seems to me you're doing more than enough to take care of your dad, and you say he agrees. You also say you love your new living arrangements; then you have your answer! You are doing everything right, making sure your dad is being taken care of while you are taking care of yourself as well, and you have a plan going forward. It's very, very kind of you to try and keep him in his home with his pet for as long as you are able, you are going above and beyond what your legal obligations are. Please don't let any nosy neighbors try and convince you differently.

You have absolutely nothing feel guilty about! And I am sure APS will tell you the same!
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It's scary to be accused of something that you know you didn't do, especially if it's criminal or borderline criminal.

You say you think it was the neighbors, but it could just as easily have been dear old dad, since he has already proven he's a master manipulator. And you know what? If it was him, he might have made the accusation anyway, even if you had stayed! And if it was the neighbors who called, how on Earth would they have known you moved out, unless dear old dad told them, embellishing on how neglected he now is?

When APS questions you, just be honest with them. "I can no longer take care of him, for many reasons. I want to relinquish my POA; can you advise me how to do that?" If APS wasn't already aware of your dad and his behavior, if they really felt the accusations had teeth, it wouldn't have been a phone call; they would have shown up on your doorstep and done this in person.

Since you now know how far dad/neighbors are willing to go, you shouldn't even question whether you made the right decision...know in your heart you did, and let dad figure it out -either on his own, or with state assistance.
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Rhernandez20 Apr 16, 2021
No my father actually told APS that he was well taken care of and that the house was liveable and for her to come out and see him. They also contacted the caretakers. I did not tell my dad i moved out, I did this to protect him, he thinks i stay with a friend. My reason behind this is i don't want him to think that i walked out on him like everyone else did. Even after all the verbal abuse i still care about my dad.
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This kind of thing is not new to APS. Manipulative elders? They see them every day.

Alva has given you excellent advice. Turn dad's care over to another sibling or the state and walk away. You might do him the 'honor' of explaining what his complaints got him, in the end.
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APS needs to investigate when they get a complaint, this doesn't mean they have found you at fault just that they are doing their jobs. Be cool and don't let anyone bully you into taking over his personal care, POA gives you the authority to pay his bills and healthcare POA gives you the authority to make medical decisions (but you can only go against his own wishes IF HE NO LONGER HAS CAPACITY). POA does not mean you have to live with him or be his personal caregiver.
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Rhernandez20 Apr 16, 2021
I needed to know that information! Thank you
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If you are not going to fulfill the duties of the POA, and if your father is suffering from dementia, this is an excellent time to resign your POA and let the APS help you in doing this and in getting your father either another POA in the family if he is able still mentally to assign one, or if he is not, to have the State take on guardianship until someone applies for it.
Is your father demented and does he has a diagnosis. If so you cannot walk away without reporting him as a senior in need or in danger if he will not cooperate with you.
Be honest with APS. If your father has a diagnosis of dementia, show it to them. If not ask that they help you with getting assessment. If he is not demented you are not responsible for him. But if you are doing the duties of POA, paying bills, and handling accounts you need to keep meticulous records of this and have the ability to show these to APS.
So the questions are not who reported, but what is your father's condition and ability to care for himself? If he is unable, you as POA need to do so or see others can and then resign your duties.
Speak honestly with APS about the current problems. See a lawyer to write a letter of resignation of POA; report your Dad as a senior in distress with needs you cannot fulfill.
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No you did not make the wrong decision moving out. You did what had to be done for your sanities sake. You just tell APS that they can now take over your fathers care as you no longer can, and that his other children have no desire to either. Even though you are his POA, tell them that you relinquish those rights and that you now want the state to take over for him. The state will then have to find the appropriate facility to place him in where he will receive the care he needs, and you can once again have peace in your life. No one deserves to be verbally abused by anyone, so please don't take it anymore. And don't you dare move back in.
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