Follow
Share

I had to put my mom in a memory care unit in September. It was difficult at first, but as she became accustomed to living there she is doing much better. She isn't begging me to take her home all the time, although every now & then she'll ask me to drop her off at home. When I explain that I can't do that, she's fine. My current issue is that I am bringing her to my house for Thanksgiving dinner and I'm afraid that she will insist on going to her house instead of back to memory care.


This happened last month when I took her to a doctor appointment. I explained everything to her, but she got upset and was very curt with me for 2 days afterward. I certainly don't want this issue on a holiday. Other than explaining that she has to go back to memory care, does anyone have any ideas?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Hi everyone,

I have an update. Mom is in the rehab section of the facility where her MC apartment is. I talked to her case manager and they are going to hold her apartment for as long as it takes for rehab to get her either walking on her own or with a walker. She is doing very well with her PT and the staff at the rehab is encouraged that she's working so hard.

I also found out why the MC unit didn't call me. Actually, they did call, but they called my cell phone & since my cell phone doesn't get good reception I couldn't hear the messages, nor did I recognize any of the phone numbers. We got that taken care of; they now call my home phone first. However, I still have not heard a word from the surgeon, even though I have left messages for him. His PA called me a couple of times but she didn't have the info I needed. Mom has an appt. with him this coming Tuesday & I will be there with her. I have several questions for him and will also address why he never called me. I will be nice about it, but it still irks me. I have a friend who works for the VA hospital and she told me that the surgeon's lack of communication wasn't acceptable. At any rate, I will get the answers that I need so my mom can get back to her MC apartment in a reasonable length of time.

I appreciate all of your thoughts and patience with me!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Ugh--trying to get anything done on a holiday weekend is the pits. I'm pretty sure that's what held up all the calls and stuff.
I'm sorry for your mom's accident, that's sad it happened when you were just trying to show her a nice time.

Generally, yes, hospitals will call once and if you don't answer, they move on. Esp when it was a "emergency, but not life threatening" injury. They had no way of knowing how long you'd be. You chose to go to the funeral, and that kind of messed things up. I guess that is one reason they ALWAYS want a family member to stay at the hospital the whole time of the intake and surgery--so if anything arises and you have to make a decision, you're there.

Just a suggestion--don't go in hot and heavy---be polite and kind. You get the same treatment in return. I know you're frustrated, but the hospital is running on about half-staff, so cut them some slack.

Good Luck with mom.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

After getting my senses back last night I checked my cell phone & found out that the MCU did, in fact, call me. However, I had given strict instructions that if anything happened, they were to call me on my home phone and they didn't. I will call Mom's case worker on Monday to straighten this out.

In the meantime, I am having problems with the hospital regarding surgery. I was over there yesterday and gave permission to do the surgery and, if needed, to give a blood transfusion. I also told them that I needed to know what time surgery would be today and if there was anything else I needed to approve. I explained that I had a funeral to go to today, but I wouldn't go if surgery and recovery would fall between that time. I called the hospital this morning and they told me that the surgery was scheduled for 10 a.m. so I knew that I had time for the funeral. During the funeral, my cell phone rang, and I was sitting in a place that I couldn't get out of without interrupting. When the service was over I looked at the number that had called and it was from a totally different area code. Thinking that it was someone I didn't know, I didn't call back until 15 minutes later and it was the hospital. They told me that I needed to approve the anesthesia and since I didn't call back in time, they postponed the surgery until tomorrow or Monday. I left the service and went to the hospital and asked to speak with the surgeon or any other doctor that could shed some light on this situation. I waited over an hour, but had to go to work and a doctor never showed up. I explained everything to the staff on duty, gave then my home number & asked for a call back. This was 2 hours ago and I still haven't heard a thing. Maybe it's my fault for not staying there, but I have to work to pay my bills, and I have yet to even talk to a doctor about the surgery itself! That doesn't seem right to me. I would have thought that the surgeon would have been the first one to call me when this whole issue came about. So, I will now wait to hear from the surgeon or another doctor familiar with the case to call.

I'm seriously venting here, and I thank you all for putting up with me!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Glad, thanks for bringing that to my attention. It was a definite typo - my Mom is not 64, she's 85. Sorry for the confusion.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I'm so sorry for your mom's broken ankle. I give you kudos, though, for trying the holiday at your home. I fretted over whether to bring Dad to my home from his MCU but decided against it. Now I have to hang onto my memory of last year's TG with him here. We did go to the MCU and have a nice dinner with him last week.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Thanks for clarifying the facts Glad!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Coral, your profile says mom is 64. She is actually 85?

Good that there is rehab where she is living. Any chance she can stay in her room and get necessary services there?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Coralmae; I'd check with the administration of the MCU on Monday about how long they'll hold her room, what the charges will be, etc. The aide may or may now know the ins and outs of all this.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Hello all, my mom fell at MY house & she seemed to be okay. When I took her back to the MCU I told them what happened and they put an ice pack on her ankle and elevated her leg. Today, I got a call from the hospital asking for permission to do the surgery. When I got to the hospital, they told me surgery will be tomorrow, then she'll have to do rehab but they won't know how long she'll have to be in rehab; it all depends on Mom & her recovery rate. She's broken the ankle before (about 8 years ago) and recovered very well. Of course, now she is 85 years old but still in good health.

After I left the hospital, I went to the MCU to see why I wasn't called immediately (she was admitted last night) and was told that the on-call charge nurse at the MCU could not be reached, but they thought that someone had called me. Naturally, this happened on a holiday when they have a limited staff and I'm glad that the aid in charge decided to send her to the hospital, but I tried to reach the on-call charge nurse today and never got a call back! The aid that I saw this evening told me that the MCU will hold her apartment for 60 days. Fortunately, they have a rehab center there so maybe I can work something out with them to hold her unit.

I'm very frustrated that nobody from the MCU called me and I will deal with it on Monday. The communication is lacking at the MCU and this is the best MCU in my area!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Coralmae,
Don't beat yourself up, she could have fallen at memory care too! Your heart's desire was to have your Mom at your Thanksgiving table.
Your Mom is relatively young at 64 (?), so it seems harder to realize her limitations and plan for that.
Could have happened to any guest, imo.

Hope the surgery helps her ankle, and that she is wherever she needs to be afterwards.

Are you okay today?
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

She probably will be sent to rehab after. Memory care will not be able to provide the care she will need. Physical therapy, occupational therapy, etc. Depending on success at rehab she may not ever return to memory care.

Are there any options other than surgery which most likely will escalate her dementia decline. Talk to a neurologist before surgery and the anesthesiologist about how they will sedate her. Less anesthesia is usually better.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Coral, do you mean that mom fell at the Memory Care unit and they didn't call you, or that she fell at your home and the MC unit has called to inquire why she hasn't returned?

I would call MC right away and advise them where she is and ask about charges for holding her room.

Talk to the doctors at the hospital; if they are going to send her to rehab after surgery, you might want to release her current room.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Coralmae,
Call the memory care unit ASAP to find out what procedures are necessary to hold her room. Many times during a hospitalization, a room is "given away." Good luck on the surgery!!
Blessings,
Jamie
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

So sorry, coral. They are so fragile. Poor mum. Keep us updated.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Well, even though I had great advice, I ignored it. I brought Mom to my house for turkey dinner and all went well....until she fell and broke her ankle! I received a call from the hospital about 30 minutes ago, asking for permission to do the surgery, but I have NOT heard from the memory care unit.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Thank you for all of the suggestions. I have a lot to think about!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

coralmae, as you already found out that any change in routine can play havoc when someone has memory issues. Even going to your own house could become confusing, plus noise if there will be more than just you and your Mom there. But you know your Mom the best.

When my Dad moved into senior living, even when he was in Independent Living before moving to Memory Care, his apartment was his security blanket. Once in awhile he would go out with his caregiver to a doctor appointment then they would stop at Burger King for a hamburger and fries.

So for the past holidays such as Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter... Dad paid for me to be his guest for these holiday meals at the complex. It worked out great. So much easier then bundling up Dad, getting his walker and his cane, and trying to safely get him into the vehicle.

My Mom had passed just prior to the holidays back then, and sitting around the dining room table would have been sad not seeing Mom in her chair, or sitting next to Dad holding his hand. I just didn't want to put Dad though that.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

((((((coral)))))) I am not sure that explaining anything will always help your mother. Is there any chance she will become agitated if she wants to go home from your place and you will not take her? I think the same thing that happened in the doctor's visit could happen again. Can her dr prescribe anything to calm her if necessary? Eventually you may not be able to take her out. it may be better all around to celebrate occasions in the memory care. This is so difficult.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

We are going the day after TG to visit them at the NH. As long as we take pie I think they'll be happy. Maybe you can try that?
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

When you're ready to take her back, say "time to go home" and take her home - to the memory care unit. That's where she lives now. It is not a lie.

Once at the facility: quick hug, kiss, hand over to the staff, run like the wind.

You are certain it's not a better plan to let her celebrate Thanksgiving with her community at the facility?
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Avoid the issue by not taking her out. Visit her, stay briefly and encourage her to enjoy the meal at her facility. Been there, done that.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

It's a personal decision and there are many opinions about it on this site. I'd just make sure that you have considered how things might go when you take her to your home. I'd be prepared for all sorts of things, including her not being content, not wanting to leave, and getting disoriented when you return her to the MC unit. I experienced that with my LO a couple of times and due to that I do not take her out. She loves the MC and it is home to her now, but, when she leaves and returns, she gets confused and has to get reoriented to it.

Will you have other guests for Thanksgiving? I'd consider if they are prepared and do you have someone who can sit with mom if she gets tired or agitated and needs to retire early. My LO doesn't tolerate a lot of noise and commotion, so that's another reason that celebrating at the facility and not overstaying works best for her. She tires easily.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.