I posted in January that my MIL had come to visit us and never left, so we became her caregivers at barely a moment's notice. She is no longer able to take care of herself or make decisions for her well-being. That is up to us and she lets us do it most of the time. Half the time she knows who we are but half the time she doesn't (when she's like that, she knows we are the people who take care of her but that's about it).
Many of the replies I got from my original post were to get her into assisted living as soon as possible. My husband (who is POA) got in touch with his family (they live many states away), and they agreed that she needed to come live in their town in an assisted living/memory care facility near them. They started working on a plan and next week she should be moving out. My SIL and her husband are flying here, renting a van, and driving her back. Another relative has made arrangements for her to move into a facility when they get there. Sounds good except . . .
Her family has not told her this plan. She has Vascular Dementia and is declining but she still has opinions. When they talked to her in the past about moving into a facility she flatly refused and they didn't push it (I have opinions about that but I won't go there now). So they haven't told her she's moving for good. They have just told her that they are taking her home for a visit, and she's not thrilled about that and has said she's not going. I think's she's going to figure out that they don't intend for her to ever come back here when they start packing up her stuff. I think she'll flatly refuse to get in the car (she did this before when her granddaughter flew to her home before she moved in with us to take her back for a visit. She knew about the plan ahead of time and was in on the planning but when the poor girl arrived, her grandmother (my MIL) refused to go back with her. This was in the early stages of her dementia).
So I'm worried that getting her on the road will be a problem. But since we will not be home when they leave, even if she tries to refuse she will have to go because she absolutely will not be able to stay in our home alone.
My main worry, however, is that the assisted living facility is requiring an online video intake session with my MIL and my husband (or another family member). I am worried that once the facility starts talking to her she will let them know she does not want to move in. My concern is that her family will abandon the plan if this happens while she is still at our house. So my husband and I feel this video call needs to take place after she has left our house. That way, living with us will have ceased to be an option.
But I know she will muster all her senses during that call and let them know she does not want to move in.
I would appreciate any advice on any of this. Are my husband and his family right to not tell her the plan? Is there really much of a risk that the facility will not let her move in?
Another problem with this plan is that she is in-between doctors, and the doctor who is filling out the forms the facility requires has never met her and has told us they may need to squeeze in an appointment before she leaves. I'm worried this could gum up the plan as well.
Thanks for helping me think this through!
About getting her on the road….she may be a problem. Traveling isn't something that dementia patients do well. She may truly believe that she is being kidnapped or something like that. Be prepared for her to try to open the doors or windows while the van is in motion. Never leave her alone in it. Make sure she's tightly buckled in. My husband used to open the car door as I was driving and he tried to get out. He (apparently) didn't know what the car was, and things going past outside the window, such as other cars, houses, scenery, made him uncomfortable and scared. After this started I couldn't drive him anywhere again. However, he would, after lengthy persuasion, get in the back seat with me sitting next to him and someone else driving. I could distract him from the things that upset him. My friend's husband did the same sort of thing. In his case, he thought he needed to go somewhere else right away, so it made sense to him to jump out.
I would keep MIL knocked out as much as possible. If she could lie down in the van and take a pill (ask her doctor), and someone remain right next to her, that might work. Rest rooms may be a nightmare. Hotels may be a nightmare. Be prepared, and good luck.
I'm assuming your husband will send her diagnosis of impairment from her doctor along with his PoA paperwork. Do you think the facility has never interviewed a demented senior before? They've seen it all. Is your MIL on any medication for anxiety, depression, aggitation? If not, this may be the time to start -- before she moves and winds up. Seniors with dementia needing medication is extremely common since the part of their brain that would normally help them reason their minds into understanding and cooperating is now gone. She cannot be reasoned with. Now she can only be redirected or distracted. Therapeutic fibs plus medication will help ease her transition.
Nothing is going to "gum up the plan" unless your in-laws are clueless as to how to deal with her reactions in the moment. They will need the facility to hold their hand so they don't make a ridiculous mistake and do what she insists upon rather than what she needs. They should NEVER take her in to live with them.
I wish your family success in getting her resettled.
MIL will likely have a fit, so just ignore it and continue the plan. MIL is outnumbered. I would try to be calm and assertive, just don't get angry or impatient during the process. I doubt if MIL will remember last time burning her grandaughter.
I'm sure the AL facility will be able to handle MIL to a certain degree. I sounds like MIL needs MC instead. Try to stay positive, and it is a smart move to be GONE when she tries to stay in your home!
I wish you all the best of luck doing what is right for MIL. Remember with dementia, she doesn't run the show.