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This is not a question I can only seem to post under the question form
my father fell cracked his head open, he was covered in blood and feces and urine, thankfully the neighbor found him or he would have bled to death
Hospital is kicking him out tomorrow, I suggested a few places but he will end up where he ends up
He cannot go home there is no question about it
nursing home will drain his money, the rates are obscene, my parents could have protected their money years ago, we advised them to but they never did
I am ok with the money going to his care
my sister IDK I havent talked to her in 3 years
she has blocked my phone and email, care places want me to make decisions including some involving money, am I required to inform her of those major decisions about money? I will have to find a way if that is needed
I also have a lawyer I will have to talk to asap

Your first post was March and you were dealing with the same stuff then. The holidays are fast approaching. Step away and enjoy them. The health pros says he is competent to make his own choices. I am all for you not wanting POA. I understand the wanting to help, but you can't. You can't help someone who won't help themselves. I would say Dad has a Mental Disorder but in this country that does not mean he can't make decisions for himself.

Enjoy your holidays and family.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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DO NOT sign as guarantor when placing Dad in a facility . That would make you responsible for his nursing home bill .

If you become POA , then you sign as POA . Make sure you ask the lawyer the correct way to sign on forms at the nursing home etc . as POA. This way only your father’s money is used for his care , not yours .
You don’t want to be directly responsible as guarantor .

Given your emotional state and history ,
I strongly recommend that you DO NOT become POA . It’s not easy , especially with a difficult elder involved .

Instead of taking on POA, Call APS and Let the state take over his care . IMO in this case it’s the most secure way of making sure Dad is placed for his safety.
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mary543 Nov 2, 2025
The state I am in doesn't do that unfortunately. They say he is an adult and cognizant and can live how ever he wants to, it's very frustrating.

I don't want to be POA
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From reading the posts it sounds like you are making progress. I understand that, even tho' your father is mostly nasty, you still want to be involved with his care. My mother was mentally ill but I agreed to be her POA and executrix as there was not a suitable alternative and she needed someone. My sis was interested in what she could get but not in helping. I decided to leave her out of the loop after she started criticizing me.

I agree that if he will not sign for you to be POA then refer him to 911/APS.

His money is there to be spent for his care. When/if that runs out he needs Medicaid.

I think you would be wise to get some therapy regarding this relationship. Your father never has nor will give you the approval or love that every person needs from their parents. I suspect he is not capable. It would be good for you to come to terms with this as it will affect other relationships. Wishing you the best.
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Reply to golden23
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My half brother and half sister are not in mom's will. She is not their mom, but their stepmom, and they haven't spoken to her in many years. I have not contacted them about placement for mom. They most certainly would not have wanted to be a part of the decision making process. I thought they deserved to not be bothered. If they ever ask (very unlikely) I'll tell them.
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No. As our other readers have advised, unless you are an executor, do not bother with your father’s care. It’s up to your sister.
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JoAnn29 Nov 2, 2025
Executor is after death. They have no say unless POA too.
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So say he does actually make you his PoA...

Then what?

Does he have the money to hire in-home aids on a long-term basis?

Or are you planning on taking him into your home?

Can he pay for a facility? Maybe he will qualify for LTC, which can be covered by Medicaid if he qualifies medically and financially?

What's your plan? Are you going to spend a wad on an attorney whose services may be for naught rather than therapy for yourself?

Here's what you do if/when he refuses to assign a PoA: you do what was suggested 13 threads ago and keep calling 911 or APS and reporting him until the court assigns him a legal guardian. The guardian will then get him appropriate care which you won't have to manage or pay for.

But you should really be putting your time and money into therapy for yourself first and foremost.
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Reply to Geaton777
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I actually still love him that's the thing and it sucks

he is a hateful horrible human being mean to the core and a horrible father and husband

but he has moments where he is so sweet it breaks my heart when he is in the hospital and vulnerable
he cried today over the phone and I cried with him
probably manipulation but he is 90 years old
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JoAnn29 Oct 31, 2025
Please, do not go with your heart but your mind. Of course he can be sweet, he needs you. At 90 he knows he won't be here much longer. You can help him and keep your boundaries.
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Thank you all I have talked to an attorney and I will try to help him realize he needs POA and health care proxy at the very least

the lawyer will take the documents to his rehab/nursing home but him going in person to do that will cost more

If he doesn't agree to anything the lawyer offered to talk to him

after this idk what to do

He is a complete selfish POS but I still care about him at the end of the day

he goes to a rehab place tomorrow won't get lawyers involved for a while need a break I love this place thank you
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AlvaDeer Oct 31, 2025
I am very sorry to hear this. You are knowingly painting yourself into a corner Mary, after all you have said here, after all the good advice you have received. I think I am out, and will leave you to it now, but know that I care about you and I hope that this goes as well as it can for you. Your Dad is at the end of his life; you have to decide now for yourself what will give you the most peace ongoing. Best of luck. I will follow your posts here, and I do wish you great good luck, and will continue to tell you that, but as to advice, you already got it from me and there's not a lot more to say.
I was POA/Trustee for my bro, the most cooperative man in the world; there were no complicated relationships otherwise in our family (such as your Sis). And it was STILL such a hard job, organized as he was. I shudder for you in what you're taking on. Truly I do.
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Mary, since sister has blocked your phone and email, I don't believe you have any obligation to contact her. By blocking you, she's made it clear that she doesn't want to hear from you. Unless you have some official capacity in your father's life or estate, such as executor of his will, there will be no further need to communicate with her. And if there are legal things that you're in charge of for your father, have the attorney do all communication with sister. It would be well worth the money not to have anything to do with her. Discuss this with the attorney and ask about his fees for such. It may be that his paralegal can handle any necessary correspondence, in which case you would be paying the paralegal, not the lawyer. The paralegal's fees would be less.

Considering the history of this, I believe you should stay out of it altogether. You've done what you could, and what's happened to dad was inevitable. I'm sorry.
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Reply to Fawnby
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Yes, if there is no DPOA, let the State take over unless you want the headache.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Oh, Mary, this was so inevitable. I am so sorry. I always tell people to step away. They WILL get the call. And it will either be from hospital or coroner.
There is truly nothing now to be done. You are right that his money will now go to end of life care. Problem now is that someone is going to try to rope you into guardianship or POA (if he's still competent). My advice is to leave that to the state so that you can stay disengaged from this, or let your sister have it if she wants it.

To be honest here I wouldn't bother with the attorney. Unless you rather has great wealth it will now all be gone in a second and there's no sense worrying about having to deal with him, his issues, his likely ruined home, or your sister.

Best to you. I know you could have predicted this, and again, I am so sorry.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Let the attorney contact your sibling. I am so sorry. You tried. He didn't listen. He could of had some input into his options, but now he will likely not.
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Reply to Caregiveronce
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I’m sorry you’re going through this. Your dad has now had the inevitable event that always comes, the one that forces change. Ask your lawyer about whether it’s needed to inform your sister, do not contact her until you know for sure. Please know there are many who have provided care from an emotionally safe distance, making decisions on your own and visiting only “around the corner” seeing the parent without them seeing you. Don’t worry about nursing home being expensive or him being unhappy there. He can go on Medicaid once his money is gone and whatever happy was for him has passed and is not fixable. I wish you courage and peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Consulting an attorney is in your best interest and yes you need to "cover your butt", especially with the contentious relationship with your sister.

Since your father does have money and will pay for some of the NH cost this consultation and retainer fee should come from his accounts. Do you have the ability to write checks? If not the attorney will be able to guide you. However, if you do not want to become enmeshed in this situation do not sign anything or agree to have your name applied to any forms regarding your father. If the hospital insists, demand Hospital legal representation be called as well as social work department.
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Reply to AMZebbC
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Mary, so sorry that you’re dealing with this and that your sibling is a possible potential problem, as well. Thinking of you.
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Reply to SnoopyLove
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You probably aren't 'obliged to', but it might be worth doing to avoid later problems because you haven't. The best way might be to get your lawyer to send her a letter stating that the care places want decisions, what it is proposed to tell them, and for her to contact the lawyer or the care place if she has objections and wishes to be involved.

If there is a lot of money involved and the 'decisions' aren't in her favor, this is definitely worth doing. If not much money and more work, not so important.
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I don't want to contact her but am I obliged to?
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Sendhelp Oct 30, 2025
Things to ask your attorney.
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