Update from LauraL271 re: mom.
Hello again,
I hope all of you are able to get some time away from CG during this Christmas season and actually enjoy yourselves. I think of all of you frequently and read the forums.
I wanted to get some input again about my challenging and difficult mom. See my past post at
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/my-mom-oh-gosh-i-love-her-but-i-hate-her-and-wish-it-would-end-483975.htm?orderby=recent&page=1�
Since my last interaction with her (written about on Nov. 19th) I signed some papers to drop the POA as she has gone too far with cursing me and pushing to live with us. I don't know if she has received that notification of my resigning yet as she hasn't mentioned it.
She has called twice since our big blow-up and I've let every call go to voice mail, and she just hangs up w/o leaving a message. I don't know if she is still in the NH getting more rehab.
My birthday was last week. Surprisingly, she sent a handmade card saying that even though things are tense between us, she wants me to know that she was thinking of me and to remember that I am loved.
My husband asked if I'm going to reply to the card. He said that the "ball is in my court".
My inclination is to do nothing. She and I seem to bring out the worst in each other. It is so distressing to have to deal with her. I wonder if she is now trying to act nicer in the hope that we will change our minds or help her with money. I just don't trust her.
Any advice?
Thank you.
10 Answers
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Since I am too raw and full of emotion about the last interaction with my mom, I have decided to do nothing at this time.
You all have so much wisdom to share and I so appreciate it.
One of my daughters is in the midst of a crisis, and I am putting my energy to assisting her. I invest my love into those who love me and are invested in me.
And, as several of you said, my mom will never change.
I am ashamed of my longing for my mom's death. But it seems I'm not alone as I know many of you who are in the trenches feel the same way. I'm hoping that this feeling will fade as time passes since I have given up the POA.
My blessings and love are sent to all of you. Thank you again.
If you DO reach out, keep it superficial --a sort of fact-finding mission. See if mom is trying to apologize, or re-engage you in an argument. If the latter, you disconnect and move on.
I don’t think that a response is necessarily called for, but if you can’t let it go and you have to find out if she’s had some sort of epiphany, you could send her a Christmas greeting and see where it goes. Just prepare yourself that she might take it as an opening to start badgering you again to take her in.
You sound resolved not to be bullied into anything, good for you! But it will be less upsetting if you expect the worst and are pleasantly surprised if it doesn’t happen.
Now onto the current issue.
Are you trying to punish her?
Do you not understand-- even after being molested and having had no support from her --that your Mom has severe limitations, and cannot really ever do much better than she has done with her life?
Do you still think she can change?
No. Of course she won't change appreciably unless briefly to get her crippled toes in the door.
Why punish her then?
Answer the phone. You are a grown up with a limited mom, not a child playing schoolyard games with feuding friends.
If she starts with the martyr act and game playing tell her "Love you, Mom, gotta run" and don't answer again for a few days.
Again, I don't see punishment and argument and it suggests that you have not yet given up hope of having the mom you wanted. But it's too late.
You never will have the mom you wanted. This one will be stuck just about where she is and then she'll be gone.
As I have said over and over again to people, once you can allow yourself to smile about your parent's machinations you will know you are healed; you are well. Forgive her. She is sadly wanting. She failed as a parent about as miserably as anyone ever can.
Your hubby is right. You did GREAT. You gave up that POA. THAT isn't up for discussion. Your Mom should not discuss it with you; her attorney will assist her now. So that's over and I repeat YOU DID GREAT!!!!!! YOU WIN! And the ball is in your court.
My advice now is accept the mom you have. Be polite and visit with her when she's on her best behavior. Hang up and leave when she isn't. Train her much as you would a dog. Stop expectations of change. Move on with that great hubby of yours and live a good life.
It’s true, when we let go of expectations and we accept people as they are, we find peace for ourselves.
This doesn’t mean that we have to like or approve of past behavior. It doesn’t even mean that we should trust them.
We only have to acknowledge who they are and know that their behavior is not likely to change.
Having this outlook allows us to prevent setting ourselves up for disappointment in the future.
Still, the choice is hers to make. If she feels that she has valid reasons why she shouldn’t see or speak to her mom, it’s her prerogative.
In certain situations, the kindest thing that we can do for another person and ourselves is to live our lives separately.
It’s probably best to determine what to do according to her past behavior.
Wishing you peace during this difficult time.
birthday cards don’t need a reply.