Update: Counseling #1 completed & No Mother's Day visit this year. FOG setting in! Advice?

Thanks everyone!
Had a wonderful overnight trip with my DH for Mother's Day weekend.
My sister & her DH decided to visit mom today; they've not visited since Christmas. Praying all went well & no drama.

I think your decision to drop off a gift and or card, then take a day trip is a good one. Your mother will be recognized, and you can enjoy the day. I am not entirely sure any conversation you have with your mother about no more abuse and respect going both ways will actually have any impact because this disease limits the ability to reason. I think it is enough to know in your heart where your boundaries are, accept the limits of others, and distance yourself when boundaries get crossed. Your mother is in a place where she is being cared for so go enjoy MD, and enjoy life. You deserve to have a good life.

For YEARS and YEARS Mother's Day was all about making sure my MIL was well and duly fussed over.

I always bought lovely and expensive gifts. Wrapped them, faked DH's signature, the works.

She never ONCE wished me a "Happy Mother's Day" nor acknowledged my part in the celebrations. Not once.

My mother hates MD and so I drop a small gift off a day or two ahead. I'm not her favorite, so I can get away with it :) She's fine.

After a lot of therapy, the FOG is gone. I may or may not buy a gift for MIL, depending on my mood, and DH's crazy work schedule. He'll be out of town this weekend and I plan to do NOTHING. He has the gift, the card and a pen to sign the card in his car, has had it in there for a week----can't bring himself to go to her house for 1/2 hour to give her the gift. I told him last night "You either get that present to her BEFORE mother's day or you're going to be a year early or a year late when you DO give it to her."

He begged me to stop by with him last night and I had to remind him his mother has asked me to not be in her life, I'm too stressful for her to handle.

How much guilt do I feel? Absolutely none.

Poor hubby--he was just wracked with guilt last night. Says I 'don't get it'. Oh, I do, all too well.

I hate the word obligation. We are not "obligated" to anyone. Maybe at one time to a job even our children when they were small but no one else who is perfectly able to take care of themselves.

The problem is for years certain things were ingrained in us. Those learned in childhood are the worst to get rid of. The Bible says "honor your father and mother" which we think means even though we have been abused. Not so. We honor those who honor us. There are parents with mental problems that we have to separate from for our sanity.

Your a Mom too. You deserve to enjoy your Day. Your idea of dropping off a card/gift is a good one. If asked why you weren't there, say "My DH whisked me away for the day."

Thx, Katiekate! Your words are so helpful! I find myself flip-flopping a lot after I make a decision these days. Often times, I forget I have to stay sane & healthy for the tasks ahead.
Hapoy Mother's Day!!

Please take the day for yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Since you recognize FOG for what it is, learn to turn your mind away from the thoughts that provoke guilt. With practice you can train your mind to turn away as soon as that thought process begins,

you will be far far better able to handle the attempts to derail your peace of mind and therefore be better able to handle Mom on a more even emotional basis too.

take care of you...and enjoy MD!