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Today my mother was outside the house going through the trash bin( huge amounts of diapers w/ human feces, dog poop and cat litter poop, etc). She realized today she had lost her wallet and thought she had left it in a white plastic bag. I told her we would call around, etc but not to go through the trash! I then left to take my shower. when i came out that's when i realized what she was doing. This is not the first time this month she had dug through this biohazard waste. The other time she was looking for her pact of cigarettes.


I was so mad. I'm so tired of living like this. Constant cleaning fecal matter/germs off of everything. I don't know what to do. I just want to put a blanket over my head and sleep awhile. I'm exhausted..mentally and physically. Anybody think I'm overreacting? Or do i have a right to not to want to live like this! I really need help with my mom.. now her washing machine broke and im doing 180 pounds of laundry every week because her clothes and blankets are soaked with urine/feces..she takes her briefs off when im not home or in the middle of the night. I don't have the money to afford a caregiver. And if i did..she would likely run them off. I'm constantly mopping floors.At night she goes through two tranquility maximum briefs and the disposable chucks to the point it spills on the floor. She has a small dog and a cat..so I'm cleaning their crap up all day too. The pinnacle of my week was waking up late to a naked mother making a Keurig Coffee sitting in her own diareah that was all over the wheelchair seat, the floor etc. Took me three hours of clean up control. I've been doing this three years..her VA Drs..psychiatrist..social worker..nobody is helping me. She is cruel to me on top of everything else and i just want to leave but I'm afraid of her safety. She is my only family..but im very exhausted. Oh btw..she discharged herself out of three nursing homes. The last one she discharged ama and was on the street for 5 hours with no money wearing spoiled clothes in a wheelchair while i was 1000 miles away. Help..any advice??

Kristlynn, do you keep a journal of all the things that are why she needs 24/7 care?

I would do that and then make a copy and give it to her doctor. Here know it all MD this is a day in the life, you can honestly say that she doesn't need fulltime facility care?!?

The thing with leaving her is that it will get the authorities involved because she obviously can not live alone. You are going to have to stop being her solution for anything to change. Do you really want to have your health completely fail and then she really is all alone with no advocate?

You matter in this situation and if she can't be nice and appreciative then she needs to get a dose of reality, you don't have to be her scratching post.

Next time you call 911 you can tell them that she needs a psych evaluation and then they take her for a 72 hour observation period because she is a danger to herself or others. This could pull the trigger to get you help for getting her other care besides you.

You have to decide what you want to have happen and then take 1 step at a time to achieve the goal. You can't change her, but you can change how you deal with her.

I understand how you feel about the animals, they are better companions than some people and definitely give more love than some worthless humans.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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Sometimes we just have to step away and let them fail.

I would call APS and find out how you can leave without facing any issues for leaving a vulnerable senior alone. I would think that her being able to check herself out of a nursing home means that she can do whatever she wants, but you need to protect yourself from charges. Screwy system.

I give you loads of credit, because I would have called 911 when I found her naked sitting in feces. That is my break point. You are a strong woman indeed.
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Kristilynn Dec 24, 2019
Well i called the police once..when i dislocated my shoulder and came home from hospital. I couldn't clean her. She had diareah and it was on the floor. They said they couldn't force her into hospital against her will. So i just had to get on my knees and use my left arm to clean the mess. What choice did i have? Couldn't leave it. She had an amputation and then a stroke that led to left sided weakness. She can't dress, bathe, walk..stand, toilet..etc. Though she can scoot from her hospital bed to the electric scooter and get outside by herself. I would just feel terrible leaving her alone. Just this week alone she got stuck in the hallway...the electric charge failed, slipped out of bed..etc. Its not right to leave someone like this alone. She is too vulnerable. But she is a nasty mean bitter person that can really push your buttons. I don't understand why her Dr can't help me show that she is unfit ..unsafe to live alone?
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Please Do Not put the animals down they didn't and don't have a say in what is going on. I would find them a new home.

Isthisrealyreal is right, you need to call APS and protect yourself because I too would have called 911. You my dear are over your head in this situation! I would find a social worker and tell them you can't do this anymore! I mean I would tell them that your emotionally and physically used up and that now you are starting to have health problems. And really if she can check yourself out of a NH then why do you need to do all this. Find a way to get out of this horrible situation. Please save yourself.
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Kristilynn Dec 24, 2019
I would never put the animals down. They are what give me unconditional love during this trying time. Just allot of work.
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Kristi, am I correct in believing she lives with you? Or does she live alone, and you voluntarily walk into this? You say she is discharging herself out. Does your Mom have Dementia? Is your Mom mentally ill? I feel there is so much I am missing here. But from what you say in this, and then down to the last sentence, I am afraid that 1,000 miles away is exactly where I would want to be. I am not qualified to deal with this. And I don't feel any one person honestly is. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I have utterly no idea what way to attempt to advise because I don't know if she is living with you? Or if you are living with her? Or if neither of you live with one another. But 1,000 miles away is exactly where I would be. Not everything can be fixed. I just on Christmas eve passed a man out in the rain and cold barefoot, just purely blown away from mental illness or dementia or drunkenness. I cannot get the picture out of my mind. And I just end up with "not everything can be fixed". I still have a hard time believing in a society with our wealth these things happen and we are helpless within them.
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Kristilynn Dec 26, 2019
So i left my job, apt.,in another state to come help when she had the amputation. Then she had two strokes. So i live with her. I believe she has an undiagnosed mental disorder..i definitely feel like im working in a mental ward and NOT trained to deal with her rages and behaviour. I have reached out to her VA team..Dr..nurse..psyche dr etc and none of them is helping me. I think she might have some vascular dementia..because she is starting to have short term memory loss. I do the best i can but im really worn out. I never get a break/ peace..she is very demanding and needy. Constantly calling my name..asking me to constantly do things for her even when im busy doing other things for her. Its never-ending caregiving. im worn out.
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Kristilynn, I agree with Dads1 below that you need to get legal control over your mom through guardianship so you can get her (and keep her) in a facility. I'm not familiar with the VA but if they're not helping you, look somewhere else for solutions. Is your mom on Medicaid? After you get legal control then you can apply for Medicaid for her, then you can (hopefully) get her into a facility.

In the meantime, do you live near a place of worship? I suggest you contact their main office and ask if they have a care ministry. Explain your exhausting circumstances to them to see if they can provide any help at all, of any kind, just to give you a break. Call more than one church or other house of worship. I'm an elder in a small church and we often help people who have never stepped foot in our church. Wishing you rest and peace and solutions!
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Kristilynn, your situation is still on my mind. You may want to contact your senator of your state. You can do that online. That's what I had to do. Senators have paid staff to handle problems such as yours. The call opens an investigative inquiry. I have had to do this 3 times for 3 separate people in 3 different states. All had positive outcomes.
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Reply to dads1caregiver
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Kristilynn Jan 14, 2020
Thank You.
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Time for other considerations
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Reply to PandabearAUS
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Kris, journal & take pics to prove your points to dr. Dr can give mother something to calm her down or to sleep sound. Do you get the bed pads from VA? I use a large washable pad, then VA pads on top. My dad refused med to calm him down at one point. I mixed it into his food. The other option is to go to court & declare her incompetent. Need to have journal/photos. If dr at VA won't listen, contact your senator for your state. They have direct line of communication with the VA.
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That she can't do much on her own could explain bitterness
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For anything to change, YOU will need to make waves at the VA. Like Real suggested, keep a journal. Call asap and make an appointment. If any problems, go to the patient advocate. Meds can calm a person. VA provides supplies, I use 2, sometimes 3 diapers w pads. When my dad was going through a phase of wanting to pull his diapers off, I used duct tape to keep them tight.
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Kristilynn Dec 27, 2019
So i got her a Aid/Attendence Pension and the Dr wrote she needs 24-7 care. They know she cannot do her ADLs! Actually when i was away and found out that she hadn't paid her gas bills and they took the gas tanks away. I reached out to her VA nurse of 25 yrs. I was scared my mom would get hypothermia.She texted me back that my mom was MY problem not the VA's!
Im like 😧 gobsmacked! Everyone tells me to go to her Drs..then her Drs tell me to go the state..then the state tells me to go to the VA but eventually everything just ends up on me.
As far as diapers..she refuses to wear them. So i use briefs and she pulls them off in the middle of the night. I can't duct tape..she is really FEISTY..She is 68 and high cognition..verbally astute..masters degree, etc. She will scream and argue and when i take her to the VA she puts on a sweet little girl act. But they have documents to prove otherwise!! sorry if i sound so negative?? Its just I've been going around and around..and im exhausted and toured and my shoulders hurt and my back hurts and everytime i get help..she refuses it and im stuck ...i don't even understand how a person who can't toilet themselves or clean themselves can refuse adult daycare( it took me two years to have her qualify) . that would have been two days of rest for me but why is she allowed to refuse when im the one who needs the break?
I also apologize for my horrible writing. Im writing to try and clarify and get some help but writing just consecrates my feelings of hopelessness and frustration.😰
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