Was on the forum a month or so ago while I was considering taking care of my wife of 62 years at home rather than a Memory Care Facility and felt I got some very good advise from the people on this forum and as a result I DID keep her in the Memory Care which, I did then and still do, think was the best choice. However, different problems have arisen and could use some input on the latest decisions I may have to take.
Along with the dementia there were and still are anger problems that are yet to be resolved. The initial problems started at home and raised to the level of physical activity on her part against me. This resulted in a 911 call and her being taken to the hospital where she remained for 10 days, sometimes under constraint, while they tried to adjust her meds. When all seemed right she was released back to the Memory Care facility and for a few weeks it seemed all right but on New Years Eve she lashed out again and struck one of the staff who was attempting to work with her. Bingo-Another trip to the hospital for a 3 day stay and most recently a week or so ago she got into a fight with one of the other patients and went back to the hospital but not kept overnight as all of her vitals were OK and no UTI.
I've asked the facility if this continues will they kick her out and they have assured me that that won't happen. They will continue to work with our Personal Physician to find the right medications to calm her down. I feel a certain amount of responsibility for her actions as she holds me responsible for her being in Memory Care and during my visits with her the reoccurring theme is, "Get Me Out of Here, Please. You put me in here and you are the only one that can get me out.". She seems so helpless and dismayed that it never fails to bring me to tears not only when I am there but thinking about it at home all the time. I know from my previous post that I will get a lot of advise that this is just part of the agony of Dementia working on all sides of those involved and I have no problem with the validity of that.
The other thing I'm dealing with is the fact that this is a fairly new Facility, only two years old, and although it is very well furnished and a nice place to visit I'm not really confident in the personnel. Many seem ill trained and I don't think she is getting the proper care, especially with her incontinence, as it is obvious on my visits that she has not had the proper attention.
I have since found another facility that I think would be much better for her and If I were to move her now she would be able to get her first Covid vaccination on the 31st of this month and I don't know when she would get the vaccination where she is at now as it hasn't been scheduled. The tradeoff is that where she is at now I have personal contact where I can hug and console her which seems to have a calming affect whereas, at the other facility all communication for the time being is through Zoom and I know that would not be very satisfactory to her despair and anger. The other problem is the necessity of giving a 30 day notice to the current facility before moving her or having to pay for the remaining time whether used or not and I don't know if by informing the facility that she is moving would result in less than satisfactory treatment of her needs. The facility being considered has indicated that they might give allowance to what I might lose in not staying for the required 30 days in the current Memory Care.
Just not sure which way to move. heart goes out to you. You don't seem to feel that your wife "belongs" in Memory Care, yet she can't even remember her angry violent outbreaks that forced you to place her to begin with. If she's angry at you for placing her, what's going to change at the new place? Nothing. Part of the issue is that YOU need to accept the fact your wife has dementia and does belong in Memory Care. Whether she can carry on a conversation with all the other residents or not isn't the only issue. The other residents aren't having angry outbursts and violent physical fights with other residents.

Is this new memory care aware of your wife's history of anger issues and violence towards other residents? As I mentioned to you earlier, THIS is your biggest worry with a new MC. Will they kick her out when she acts out again? This is the question you must get answered first. I know you don't think it will happen in the new MC, but I'll bet you $100 It WILL. Dementia creates anger and violence in people for many reasons. You are trying to apply sensible reasons for It! She has a broken brain and that is why she's angry and violent which means it is not going there or anywhere. Move the person but bring the behavior with them, most likely.

Last but not least, placing an angry person with a roommate is a worrisome thought for me. How do you know these 2 will get along? If my mother who lives in MC was hit or beaten up by your wife in the MC where she lives I would be livid. I would have a police report filed so if it happened again charges could be filed. That's how things work here in the MCs where I worked and where my mom lives, it's the law. I urge you to look into the laws in YOUR area to see if the injured resident can have the police called on your wife and charges filed. No joke. I'm surprised the current MC keeps taking her back after 4 incidents, truthfully. It's a rarity.

Good luck.
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Reply to lealonnie1

They will not evict her? On the surface that may sound good. But, think about what you would want to happen if someone else were the aggressor. It could become a dangerous situation for everyone.

My mom was kicked out of a memory care facility. She was on hospice at the time. Hospice recommended a care home for mom which worked out well for mom. There were fewer residents and a better staff/resident ratio. And the bonus, it was actually cheaper than the national chain memory care was.

Newer facilities have a high rate of turnover. The hourly wage is too low making it hard to keep the good staff.

Good luck to you.
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Reply to gladimhere

Additional Info on my previous Post. As mentioned where my LO is currently at is new and underpopulated and is only two levels of Care - Assisted Living and Memory Care. She is in Memory Care where most of the small population is barely coherent while my LO, know questionably has extreme anger expressions but she is also able to have a coherent conversation with other people. Problem being - there are no others to do that with. Hence, her anger breaks through. Today her anger was released again for the fourth time resulting in a physical fight with another patient and resulting, again, with a trip toEmergency. An examination discovers no physical reasons for her behavior so they are trying to calm her with meds to the level she can return to the facility. Actually they just called to inform me they WERE returning her to the facility who has agreed to take her back.
Part of her anger is firmly directed at me for keeping her at a facility to which she doesn’t belong and with her dementia she doesn’t remember the outbreaks that are the reason she is there. To her I am just the husband who wanted to get rid of her so I could be free to live my life without her. Nothing could be farther from the truth as I visit her 2 to 3 times a week, usually bringing another family or friend along with me, while the rest of the time I’m at home with a handkerchief never out of reach. Final option is to move her to another Facility I have looked at which has not only AL and MC but also a Transition Division which I believe my wife would be a lot happier and maybe the anger wouldn’t arise. Down side is they only have shared apartments and not sure if that close living might arouse her anger. Last thing, where she is now we have patio visits with touch and hug visits where the other facility is Isolated glass visits with Zoom connections. That’s where i’m at and love to hear comments.
Thank You.
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Reply to LonelyDespair

The MC where she's at now promises not to kick her out for violent behavior. That's HUGE, if it's true. What about the new place? Most MCs WILL ask a resident to leave if they become violent, you can rest assured of that fact.

The MC where she's at now allows in person visits which is also HUGE; most, if all, do not. With good reason, too. Why are vaccinations not already scheduled there?

You need to set up a care conference immediately to address your concerns with the director of nursing. If you're not happy with the quality of care she's getting, let them KNOW, specifically, what your concerns are, and what you expect to see improve. Find out when the vaccinations will be given out and why they are allowing in person visits? Why are there no safety protocols in place, as there are in most ALL other long term care facilities, as mandated by the health department????

Your wife needs to be under the care of a neurologist or a geriatric psychologist/psychiatrist, not a 'GP'!!!!!!!!! The fact that she's exhibiting such violent behavior is a serious thing. Dementia needs to be treated by a professional with lots of experience WITH dementia, not a GP or a PCP who dabbles in this, that and the other. A neurologist or psych will be able to hone in on what sort of dementia she has and what sort of medications will help alleviate her violent symptoms. This is imperative moving forward, in my opinion.

If it were me, I'd leave her be where she's at, once you get a satisfactory resolution from the head of nursing there, providing you DO. Once she stabilizes her mood and her violent behaviors calm down, THEN you can look into moving her. For me, the main thing right now is to have her in a Memory Care AL that will not be asking her to leave anytime soon. THAT is your biggest potential worry. No MC is perfect; no caregivers are highly trained in ANY of these MCs, really. But they do get ongoing training and on the job training as they go. The main thing is that she's safe and her hygiene is good and she's looked after on a daily basis, given her meds, etc. Don't expect perfection, but don't settle for shoddy care either, you know?

Wishing you the best of luck
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Reply to lealonnie1

Boy, that's a tough call. You are the only one that can make this decision. I would perhaps sit down and make a pros and cons list of each facility, and see what that looks like when it's all said and done. That should give you a better idea of which way to go. Best wishes.
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Reply to funkygrandma59

Have you had a care conference where your wife is now to discuss your concerns about her needs being met? We had these regularly when my mother was in care and found them a big help in getting answers and needs addressed. Not saying you shouldn’t make a move, but this would be a good first step in knowing for sure if the current place can or cannot meet the needs.
I'm sorry there have been more episodes of violent behavior. I do think a geriatric psych could be of help. Hoping to hear soon that the right combination of meds has been found to help her calm. And again, she’s blessed to have you
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Reply to Daughterof1930

If you aren't getting good vibes about her care, then move her. I moved my mother after seven months in a place where my dad had been on their board of trustees and absolutely revered, but they weren't doing a good job caring for her.

I'm no expert on the violence part of your wife's issues, but it seems to me that a geriatric psychiatrist might be better qualified to prescribed proper medications to help your wife than her GP. My opinions about general practitioners is that they know a little bit about a lot of things but not much about any one thing, so I tend to look for a specialist whenever possible. My mother's GP told her she had cancer and there was nothing to do for it before ever doing any diagnostic testing, and my mother spent a night feeling suicidal thanks to this doctor's ignorant comment. (No, she didn't have cancer -- not even a trace of it.)

Separate the behavioral issues from the care issues, and I think you might get a better feeling where you should go on this.
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Reply to MJ1929

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