Unsolicited caregiving advice. Is it genuine concern, jealousy or plain nosiness?

I do not understand the reference “throw off”.

can you explain what they are saying exactly?

perhaps it is like the way people will tell you how to raise your kids....once they do it themselves they think the have the inside track to how it is done and cannot help themselves but to offer their now expert advice? Something like that?

Learning to walk away is your best solution. Who knows why anyone makes bitter remarks. They just do and I would bet that they are dealing with some cognitive decline and they are losing their filters.

I would look them straight in the face and say "May The Lord bless you" and walk away.

Caregiving will thicken your skin or devour you. You can not take things personally in regard to your caregiving. I promise you that it gets more challenging as time goes by. Forewarned is forearmed.

Welcome to the forum. Great big welcome hug!

At the beginning of caring for my mom people told me I had to put her in a care facility and that I could not do it. I did it. It was difficult, I got help and I managed until I couldn't. If you are fine right now, just say you and your mom are doing quite well so far and thank them for their "concern".

Well, the next person who gives you unsolicited advice, I'd say to her, "Since you have such broad knowledge about how to care for the elderly, I'll be dropping mother and her luggage off at your place at 6 pm promptly." My husband always says, "Say the most ridiculous thing" and so, that statement fits the bill, dontcha think? :)

People may honestly think they're helping by sharing their knowledge and experience.  It can be annoying when unsolicited, and feels like they're maybe setting you up to expect failure. 

Maybe don't share much except how great it all is if they ask.  If any of them start down the path you don't want to hear, change the subject or just tell them you have to go, nicely without letting them know it upset you.  Tune them out quickly, like when you turn off a song you can't stand to one that you like, and forget about them.

Good luck.

You can always say "why would you ask such a personal question? " This usually gets even the nosiest person to hush.

People are curious and nosy and probably just want some good info that they can chew on. Ignore them, or turn those questions back on them. Again, the way you respond gives them something to talk about.
It's always the ones who offer no help that say things like that.
You sound like you are doing really good by your Mom, so keep your chin up. Ain't nobody got time for nosy mongers! I wish I could have taken my own advice when my Mom was living with me-I really let it get to me and I hope you don't let it get to you.
Take care.

I like the slightly spicy retort strategy ;-)

The unsolicited advice is probably the most surprising or unexpected aspect of care giving, at least it was to me. I have one extended family who thinks she needs to critique something on every visit. Some people talk in front of my mother as though she isn't there. Mom has MCI and her short term memory is shot, but she still has fairly good cognition so she understands everything and seems to remember anything that's upsetting too.

My father had vascular dementia with serious judgement and executive function impacts but kept most of his long term memory so people who only visited occasionally and talked about "the old days" questioned whether he really needed a locked MC unit. I like to use the shock technique... "Yes, Dad is doing so well in MC and I can go back to being his daughter and let the MC staff deal with all the glasses of urine he puts on the window sill."

It is unsolicited.
It is unsolicited and unwelcome.

Explain that you have a thousand friends (here) who will answer any questions you can come up with about caregiving. And walk away.

We also will have every "WHY" question answered when we get to heaven.

I stopped asking for prayer at my church because passing by a prayer team member in the vacant church, he stopped to ask me if I was feeling any better.
I did not know him, would not have confided in him, and prayer requests are supposed to be c o n f i d e n t i a l, not give a stranger power and privy into ones life. imo.

In other words, unsolicited, unwelcome, and none of their business.

I feel for you, I face this from my own family.. If I pass along updates to my family, invariably I get feedback on what is the correct process.. or diagnosis which is sometimes so far from what is really happening it leaves me speechless. So this last time I just encouraged my brother to go to mom's Dr appt so he could hear it for himself. That way he couldn't stick his "two cents" in anymore..Or for the time being.

When my mom was struggling and I was giving her WHAT I COULD, everyone in my orbit - and mom’s - felt free to tell me what I “should” be doing. Wow.

Mom spent 7 decades perfecting her waif/victim persona, with a side order of control freak. Mom acted like she was destitute, when in truth she had ample financial resources. Mom wouldn’t let anyone perform a task (large or small) for her, unless they did it HER way.

Mom was so “private” that she assigned DPOA/HCPOA to someone who lived 100 miles away and had spent time with mom only 3 or 4 times during the last 10 years of mom’s life. (A kind and trustworthy person - to be fair. But that’s how determined mom was to maintain her privacy.)

**massive eyeroll**

Mom saw a doctor once in the last 20 years of her life. So NO diagnosis and NO treatment for her escalating defects with balance, mobility, mood, tiredness, dexterity.

Yet these “experts in our midst” genuinely expected me to be a saintly live-in amateur nurse with psychic abilities. And no needs of my own. No life of my own. No privacy. No career.

Incredible.

“Ignorance is bliss,” alright. For everyone who’s on the outside looking in.

You are getting people telling u to put Mom in a facility? Its usually, why are you not taking care of your Mom in ur home?

I have a witty daughter (on that fine line to sarcasium) and so many times I wish I had it. Responses to stupid (what she feels is stupid) things people say to her just comes easily out of her mouth. They don't know what hit them. So for us that don't have this talent, we just learn to let it roll off there backs. Some people have no filter. If over 80 chalk it up to age decline. My mother already had me when she married again when I was 2. I was adopted by that man. They later had 3 more children. At my sisters funeral an elderly friend of my Moms said to me "I bet your Dad is heartbroken over the loss of his only daughter". Yes it hurt but I chalked it up to who said it. She always said what she thought. She was a miserable woman. Told her own son she never wanted him.

I think that people often don’t know how to respond to something that seems difficult to handle. I have almost the reverse situation, which perhaps annoys me almost as much. People who know that I have pain problems ask ‘How are you going today’. I don’t want to talk about it, so I usually say ‘Not too bad thanks’. Their response is then ‘That’s what I like to hear’. This interchange happens over and over again. What I hear from it is that they want to feel good themselves.

When our house burned down in 2014 bushfires, people would say a few months later ‘I hope you’re getting back on your feet again now’. Well no, actually. It takes years to replace a few miles of fencing, let alone everything else. Once again, they want to feel good themselves. The comments are a wall to stop them feeling bad for you.

Perhaps the unsolicited advice comes from the same place – they want to think that they can give you a suggestion that will solve all your problems.

There is no need to be nasty, but it’s good to have an automatic response yourself: ‘We’re coping OK thanks. How are you going?’.

You nailed it, just plain nosiness! Lots of busy bodies minding others business.

Advice is criticism dressed up in a cashmere sweater. Unsolicited advice is control.
Put the two together and you get someone trying to control you dressed up in really nice clothing.

Welcome to this site. People often say things to fill a gap in conversation. In other words, they don't know what to say, so it might come across as being nosey, etc.

At that point respond with a pleasant smile, "everything is going well" and change subject!! And in your mind, just think they must have meant well.

Bland response, snippy response, no response, whatever works. Just always keep in mind that YOU are doing the best you can for your mother and anything anyone else says is just blather. It could be they've been down a similar road, but that's all it is, similar. Everyone's journey and how they deal with it is their business.

I didn't mind others asking about my mother, usually it was someone who cared. I would be brief but give a little feedback. All of mom's generation on both sides are gone as are some of my generation. Most of her former friends are also gone or dealing with their own issues (mom is 96, living in MC.) Brothers are really not in the mix - consulted with them during the early stages and move, as well as the condo sale (they helped some, but most of it fell on me.) Since then, not much contact. OB isn't local and his last visit said it all - refused to go back as he "didn't know what to do with her". YB will sometimes finally respond to some special event or meal at the facility, but I get tired of asking over and over, so most of the time I don't bother now.

For those who offer unsolicited advice, just smile (as best you can) and offer thanks, saying you'll take it under consideration and just do what you do! You will even get unwanted advice here too - we just advise to ignore them (some offer such awful comments that I do post back to them, but many I don't think get it!) They aren't worth the time of day and certainly don't need to ruin your day. Some think it is best to place someone in a facility, others demand, yes demand, that you do it all yourself. Whatever is working for you is what is best. Not everyone can or wants to place a LO, others can't deal or continue to deal with it alone or even with a little help. In one ear, out the other!

Again, everyone's journey is unique and how we deal with it is personal. Sometimes advice can be helpful, but many times it is just someone's opinion and/or based on their own experience, but that doesn't necessarily apply to you. So long as you can care for mom and it's all working good, who cares what others say? In one ear, out the other!

I learned to shrug my shoulders and move on. Sometimes it's only a "mental shrug" but it still helps.

People don't know what to say to you (me) and sometimes it comes out as totally inappropriate. I can't tell you how many people told me to put my DH into a nursing home, repeatedly, but I always said, "we manage. Thank you for caring." Then I moved on.

Responses here have given me a "leg up" as I approach an impending issue with my mother re to her dental situation: she has 13 cavities and obviously (with dementia) has not brushed her teeth; she is with it enough to not allow assistance. Probably the only one who could do it is Teepa Snow who I cannot channel. The complicating factors are that mom and dad's DDS is literally our next door neighbor, someone who was in my high school class. His own mother has dementia and was in a nursing home (whereas I am living/assisting my parents) and his mother had a stroke so that the NH required 24/7 aides because she didn't remember she couldn't stand up without falling. I'm anticipating he will have a suggestion or two on how we should handle my mother. He has already conveyed concern because one day he saw mom outside at 6:30 am (summertime) when he was going to work. She does not wander. She went out to get the newspaper on the driveway. So now I am superconscientious dare he see mom out. I am actually a social worker; but he is as a DDS a "mandated reporter" so could report concerns to APS and complicate life. For now we are managing, but I so wish he was not a neighbor in many ways. And to top it off, his sister in law lives down the street; dad visited her one day and he came home with TWO referrals to an ENT and a Balance therapy place that further complicated my life and wasted my time as dad continues his search for perfection at age 102.

Don't take it to heart. Some folks will share their 'been there, done that' experiences with you that may help along the way with mom. That's what most people do - share information as it pertained to them.

If they say something based on their own children doing nothing for them - have a heart. There are a lot of elderly out there who get no support from kids. It's very likely some of these parents wish they had what you are giving.

Ask them to come over and help. I find those that do care, will become part of your support team. Those that want to appear as authorities, won't help other than give advice. Be respectful/kind to all. God can give great ideas through damaged or hurtful people. Discard the "trash". Determine to remain happy and at peace.

Very often people who give advice have never even walked in our shoes so they truly don’t understand.

Maybe they mean well. They just don’t have any first hand experience with the situation. If their heart is in the right place and you wish to educate them, do so.

If you know that they are vicious people, don’t waste time or energy on them. If you have been wanting to tell them how you feel, go ahead.

No right or wrong way to deal with this, personal choice. All of us are entitled to our own opinions. Don’t feel badly about your feelings. Honor your feelings and respect that others may feel differently.

Others should be kind though. You don’t have to accept others being condescending, patronizing or cruel to you. Don’t give them the time of day, if it will fall on deaf ears.

Having multiple people in our lives that require extra, long term care, we are often offered "advice" and seldom help. After a few instances of this, I usually say, "We really appreciate your concern. But we are pretty experienced at this, so we do not need your advice. What we really need is your support." Then suggest various ways to show support. Sometimes I just say, "Tell me a good joke!" But other times its a visit or call to the loved one in need to relieve some of our visiting burden, or a nice meal together or delivered.

Just say "thank you, have a nice day." Move on.

People tend to apply their own experiences to yours. They may have done something differently than you do, or they think your situation is more similar to theirs than it is.

I tend to think people have good intentions rather than bad ones, so I wouldn't attribute their advice to nosiness or jealousy right out of the gate. Just smile, thank them, and continue to do what you think is best.

Part is jealousy, the other big part is plain old fashioned noseyiness and looking for a good piece of gossip for later, ie I know something you don't know. When given unsolicited advice and comments, you should (insert comment) look them in the eye and say that's nice, glad it worked for your situation. When I had to deal with narcissistic SILs I want, you need to do xyz, I replied with that's nice, when can I expect you to do this for her? Next reply will be crickets. Another option is thank them for their concern, inform them that to protect mom's privacy and sense of self worth you don't feel comfortable with sharing her personal information with those outside of her immediate family, but she would welcome a visit or phone call (if that would be the case) those who actually care would contact her, those who don't won't.

All of the above.  In my experience, those that do not have the most to say about any subject.

Love with many seniors they are full of opinions and no filter when it comes to expressing them
You will never know why they feel the need to come at you like that but I would take anything usable they say and the rest toss out with the household trash.
You will not be able to figure out their motives so instead just listen and be thankful when it is over.
Many seniors are wise, many are busy bodies and it can be hard at times to tell the difference too me because they could be onto something I would listen and sift, u may find some of the suggestions work no matter how they are presenting.
Keep loving on your mom and know she may get to the place she cannot express gratitude but keep pressing and do what you believe is right.
It will not always be easy but love will get you through