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My 95 year old father lives across the street from me, my husband and my tow girls ages 20 and 17. My parents moved there so I could help them out in their old age. My mom passed away 8 years ago. My family and I have been my father's main caregiver, and to my mom and dad before she passed away. I visited my dad several times a day. I take care of his daily needs, grocery, meals, taking him for appointment helping him care for his dog and doing his laundry. We had a joint checking account so I could take care of all his bills. For the last 18 months my dad has been in hospice for congestive heart failure. Every week I have made sure I was there for doctor and nurses visits. For 95 he gets along fine with my help and coming over several times a day. Here's my problem. All of a sudden my brother, who visits a few times a week, a few hours each visit, decide to become involved. He is going against all my wishes, and my caregiving ways. He has power of attorney and lots of money. When I didn't agree with him sending over a 20something kid to get my dad up in the morning and feed him an enormous breakfast I received a letter from my brother's attorney stating I had to let this young man in, get my dad up and give him breakfast. My philosophy and hospice is to let my dad sleep, get up when he wants and eat what he wants when he wants. Sometimes he doesn't get up until 2-3 in the afternoon. Most days he wants coffee and toast or a muffin for breakfast. Then my brother moved my dad's pension from our joint account and had all the bills sent to his home address. My brother never told me ahead of time about the young man he was sending over or about moving the money and bills. Now when I buy anything for my dad I have to turn the receipts to my brother and if he approves I can be reimbursed. I have asked for my brothers help in the past. Helping with dinnertime meals to free me up for my family, helping with chores around my dad's house. Nothing. No help what so ever. I don't understand why now? Why is he flexing his "I'm in charge" muscles. "I have power of attorney" muscles. He never asks me for my thoughts on care concerning my father. He prepaid my dad's funeral without asking me for any input on what I'd like. He has kids and grandkids that could be stepping up and helping. They don't. We've gotten along fine up until the last 6 months. I let so much of what he does go. My father has always been a good, hardworking family man. He would be the first to step up if any of his family needed anything. I just do not understand why is he doing this now???? We had everything running smoothly without his help. Now he decides he knows what is best even though I have been living this 24/7 for the last 8 years

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Thank you so much for your response. You are so right and I never thought of it like you stated. I am doing all the work and he is calling all the shots. It is just eating away at me. Your response has made me feel better! Thank you!!!!
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I think your in a tough position - doing the work while your brother calls the shots.

While it might be tough for you to do - maybe the only way to get your brother to add evening help is to tell him you're not going to do it anymore. Maybe something along the lines of
"Since your now becoming more involved in seeing to dads needs - I think it's a good time for me to step back into being a daughter instead of a caregiver. Dad will need.... and I'll need you to have that set up by ..."

Being right across the street you can certainly still keep an eye on things and go over and visit with your dad as often as you'd like.
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My brother has power of attorney for financial and medical issues. My dad will eventually get up. My dad is such an easy going man. My brother's idea is my dad shouldn't stay in bed all day, and he does not. He just gets up when he wants too. And he feels my dad should have breakfast. Ok well what about the rest of the day. So my dad is up, had breakfast. Caregiver leaves. Now what???? I check on him throughout the day. He is sleeping on the couch right now. I bring him dinner every night. I just do not understand the point of making him get up and making him a huge breakfast. I told my brother several times if you want to help have someone come in the evening, bring him dinner, watch tv with him.
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If your father is still deemed mentally competent- then he only has to do or allow what he chooses to as far as your brothers new regime. Make sure your father knows that. How does dad feel about getting roused out of bed at that hour?
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Does he have financial as well as medical powers of attorney? I think the issue of sending someone over to rouse your father in the morning is more of a medical issue, so your brother may be overstepping his authority in this sense.

I'm of the opinion that most men, and often women, worked for years before reaching old age, got up early during those years and are entitled to sleep in if they want to.

Eating a large breakfast could be harmful b/c it takes longer to digest, and if your father isn't that active, he might feel tired, stuffed and less likely to be active.

Did your brother have proxy authority under the POA for the last several months and is just exercising his authority now?

Have you come right out and asked your brother why he's involved himself now?

I don't think I'd agree with his attorney that you "have to" allow some kid to come in and start "caring" for your father. Do you have an attorney of your own?

Have you contacted your father's PCP of other doctor to ask about this change in "care"?
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