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I am my father's primary caregiver and have access to his checking and small savings. I DO NOT STEAL from him. That said, I have a sibling that said 'he doesn't know WHAT I do with Dad's money and that I have been "living off him my whole life" Actually, my father would not be able to stay in his own home if I didn't live there with him. Even though the house is paid for his only income is SS and that is poultry. Just curious if anyone else has a scary sibling? Thanks.

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This will probably be a long thread as it is so common. Many siblings who are not caregivers are clueless at the cost of caregiving.. at what your value is worth, the sacrifices to keep them at home as long as possible. Imagine if they had to hire someone to do what you are doing...or pay for an expensive facility?
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There was a man on this forum who kept records of everything he spent out of his Moms money. His brother eventually asked for an accounting. The man was able to send him everything and as of his last post, the brother never questioned it again.
All you have to do is take a tablet and one column you show what Dad brings in. In the other show the expenses incurred every month. It will probably show Dad is in the red. Then show where u have to write checks to compensate. Then tell ur brother it would be nice if he shared in some of dads upkeep. Bet he doesn"t complain again until Dad dies then he will want his share.
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Whenever I have to take my mother somewhere, it takes hours. I always email my three brothers to let them know what I have done and the time it has taken. I also give them an update on how our mother is.

My mother has told me I'm a liar and doesn't think I do much at all for her. One time I had to stay with her and become her servant for 8 days because she strained some muscles. She told me it was only for a "day or two." So I'm documenting all the time I spend to make sure my brothers know.

I think they appreciate me, but I also suspect they think I'm whining. Too bad; I'm on the scene here and they aren't. They are welcome to move my mother to be near one of them. I wouldn't protest!
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Some people just don't think about helping the parent, no matter their condition. I'm not sure where they got their brain, but, it's like they just think in a whole different way. That's why I know that me worrying, hinting, waiting, etc. is pointless. I either say what is needed point blank, but nicely, or I make other arrangements. It's a good thing too. I have received ZERO help with my cousin. Not even ONE meal for her, not one visit or call. So, that's fine.

Still, you never know who may pop up one day. I have receipts for every penny spent, as well photographs of the items.
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Luckily, my sibs don't question how mom's money is spent. (It's only spent on her needs.) But feeling under appreciated? Daily. It's all I can do to not write and send them daily a lengthy email detailing every hour of my day taking care of mom who has moderate/advanced dementia and is incontinent. Each day seems sooooooo looooong.
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I'm under appreciated by everyone, just like most care givers are, 24/7 job nobody else wants, but boy could they do it better (they just never have and won't ever) I feel for you, pretty much everyone has a clueless beast to deal with, hang in there, you're a good person
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If your siblings are making false and cruel comments about your handling of your dad's finances, I'd make sure that I was covered. Just for my own protection, I'd consult with an attorney to make sure you have the proper authority to handle things on his behalf, like POA and/or Social Security Representative Payee authorization. And, I'd keep good records.

It sounds like your brother may not be too happy with the situation. I'd make sure dad had his Will in order, too. Since, the passing of a parent usually only makes troubles like this worse.
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My mother has recently passed away. But I do relate very much to your description. I have some suggestions.

Keep a running ledger of all purchases, receipts and daily chores/tasks/activities. I realize how overwhelmed you may already be, but it really doesn't take much effort to save receipts and make ledger entries over a cup of coffee. Also, if the cost of food and expenses to cover YOUR bills (since you're "working" as your father's caregiver now) are now a part of your father's expenses, so be it. I was my mother's full-time caregiver, with the exception of whenever I hired someone to give me a little break once in a while, and the only way I was able to do it was to have my mother pay for my car insurance, cellphone, gas, food, etc. This was simply because I was no longer able to work for myself. I gave up my career. I was "working" for her, and in a sense, working for my brother, whether he realized it or not, because I saved my family THOUSANDS of dollars by doing this.

I'm lucky in that I do have a reasonable brother, but he lives in another state and would have NEVER made the sacrifices I made for our mother. There have been times when he just didn't get it, and I needed to set him straight. Truth be told, if it weren't for me, our mother would have been forced to liquidate her estate and move into a nursing home. Or, perhaps, my mother would have had to hire an aide for $60,000/yr. I was NOT going to let my mother go into a nursing home, because she was mentally sharp and specifically wanted to spend her final years/days in her own home. In other words, as the full-time caregiver, I saved my mother (and brother) that financial burden. Point this out to your sibling. Demand respect and compassion, and certainly, if your father is mentally competent to be able to clarify this with your sibling, then he must. If he is able, then he owes it to you... AND to your sibling.

I made the decision to care for my mother out of my heart. It was a no-brainer for me to pack up my life and move in with her. People can think whatever they want (and they do), but the truth is in my heart, as I'm sure, it's in yours. Follow your heart, but cover your back with keeping good records.
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As someone else said, this should end up being a long thread as unhelpful siblings are par for the course.

I also kept a ledger with monies coming in and out and kept every receipt for every purchase. I only made purchases for little gifts and so on that Mom may need. No one in my family asked to see this which only proves further the lack of interest. The "oh, sis is taking care of it attitude prevailed"
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I think everyone who is caring for elderly parents with no help from siblings has this problem. I only do PT care for Mother and get routinely criticized for what I do/don't do. It goes with the territory, sadly.
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