Uncomfortable question from caregiver. Have you ever been asked for money?

It's hard when you are put on the spot like that, I can't imagine anyone being as brazen as your caregiver though. It's a no win situation, if you say no you feel like an uncharitable scrooge, if you say yes you feel used and are left to wonder if you will ever be repaid and when she will hit you up for the next loan.

I've been asked for money by employees over the years. I think some of them are testing the water.

I was asked. I answered with I could actually pay you for actual time worked up until that day(middle of pay period). It worked, and it never really happened again. It's a hard position to be put in. God bless, and healthy 2018

It depends on how much you like this caregiver because if you report it to agency, she would be terminated. At the minimum, ask agency not to have her return if you feel uncomfortable with her. You can always suggest to her that local churches will often pay utility bills for people in need.

In my experience most agencies have very strict guidelines about personal interaction (outside actual care giving) between their employees and family members. After my Mom passed, her HHA called me several times asking to be hired for my father, crying she had no money, etc. When we eventually did hire someone for my father I asked the agency to please not send this particular person. They were appalled when I explained why.

Not only this, but now you know there is a person around who needs money and might take something of value if she has access and your mother is not otherwise monitored.

I think Hannah has put her finger on it. Most agencies have rules about things like that, to protect their clients. What if this lady had asked a vulnerable elder for the money? - clear abuse of trust, definite firing offence.

Come to think of it... How do you know she hasn't asked all her clients?

I don't mean you shouldn't be sympathetic to her difficulties, as you might be to anyone who discussed their money worries with you. But if she's struggling to make ends meet then it's a bigger issue than some kind person bailing her out "just this once" will solve. What more do you know about this lady?

I would reply as you did, but as soon as she is gone report her to the agency.  Otherwise she is going to continue doing this to others and you.

All posters have great points....
I too was asked by one of FIL’s caregivers. I happened to know that every agency I worked with in their hospice programs as a provider myself had very strict rules against such a thing and I told the caregiver this.
As much as I liked this individual, I reported her to the supervisor because she crossed the line of professionalism.
I knew that either way, we were in a lose-lose situation and I resented her for putting me in that position.
If I gave her the money, she’d continue to ask. If I didn’t I’d run the risk of her being resentful and either taking her frustrations out on Dad in some fashion or decide that taking something of value from our house would be okay.

I would report this to the agency.
this should not occur.
this is an abuse.
There may be some people that would think that if I don;t give the care giver extra money they they will not take good care of "Mom".

If you do give this person money it will not be the last time that they ask.
And just think this is asking one family...if this care giver works with more families and they ask each one..that is a lot of extra income that is never reported.
Ok just call me a cynic....

When my mom was in nursing home a nurse there was visibly upset one time. She was a nurse our family liked and who was very good to my mom, a middle aged lady. My dad, younger and healthier at the time, talked to her about what was bothering her. She told him she desperately needed $500 that day, but didn’t tell him why. I knew nothing of this at the time but he went and got her the $500. She told him she knew this could cost her her job and she’d repay him as soon as possible. In a few weeks she started giving him money, and over a few months she repaid the whole $500. I was amazed my dad did this, more amazed she repaid it, still don’t know what it was for and never will, and still don’t recommend it! My dad remains quite proud of it...

That's a very nice restoration of faith in humanity, Dof1930 :)

I wish it *could* be recommended, sigh.

Angel's advocate. Is she an excellent caregiver?? What kind of person is she?
Maybe she feels comfortable and can trust you...perhaps she has nowhere else to turn and no support system. I'm not saying to give it to her, yet in desperate times such as these, ppl are doing unusual things.
By all means, trust your intuition.
I would go back and tell her the truth. Tell her you said that because you were uncomfortable and didn't think it was appropriate. Encourage her to open up and tell you more about her situation, and then you can offer all these great ideas...She may just need a lil support...
I'm not quick to dismiss anyone anymore....it's tough out there ppl (however, I also don't have "sucker" written on my forehead)
Go slow. It's harmless to talk it through before taking any other steps....

There was a caregiver who did this to my bedridden father. He really, really liked her. He wouldn't listen to me, but if she tells him the same thing - he would do it because so-and-so said it. One night, she came to our house close to midnight time! I was wondering what was going on. She came to ask money from my dad. He told me to give her the $70.00. When I tried to reason with him, he told me that it's his money. So, I gave it.

I put a set amount of money for dad. I also log every cash that goes out and I replace. When I check the envelope and cash is missing- I saw that oldest sis wrote down that dad told her to give the same caregiver money. I noticed that she came once or twice a month. I didn't report her because my dad was improving due to her. He would do whatever she told him - exercise his arms, his legs, etc... I weighed the pros and the cons.

You all are right. It does escalate. One day, she agreed to take him out. I knew that this was very dangerous because no one has POA over dad. It would be sooo simple for her to take him to her lawyer and have him sign her as one. I said no, that she can't take him. She just completely ignored me. Didn't even look at me. She made an appointment with him on Thursday. This was a Tuesday.

What the caregiver forgot - was that she was working under an organization that's for the home caregiver - Me. Not my dad. I was the client. So, I wrote to my social worker the whole story of what so-and-so was doing. That I have documented all the cash she took from my dad, and that I even had her sign the cash log out sheet once. I also had a copy of the Home Depot receipt that she gave me to show what she was using dad's money for. (Her personal use.) I also told my SW that in all these months, every time so-and-so took money, I told all my family about it. So, everyone knows what's been going on these past few months. I mentioned she was going to take dad on Thursday. When I said no, she ignored me.

She was immediately pulled away from caregiving. HR will be handling the situation. And SW reassured me that they have informed her to stay away from us, my dad and my family. When they asked me why I didn't tell them right away, I said that dad really liked her and was improving under her. I know that it was wrong to wait so long... Would I do it again? Yes ! (She was one of many who helped my dad calm down from a mean old bitter physically abusive man to a bit nicer person.)

I documented everything and oldest sis (stays home) updated me.

Can YOU write the check for the bill? If you don’t already have POA and access to her accounts to pay bills, it might be something you want to look into.

After the experience I've had with a caregiver that was hired through an agency, I would tell the caregiver to never come back, and I would tell the agency in no uncertain terms that I don't want that caregiver in the home again. Why? Because the caregiver for my parents ended up taking my Dad to the bank twice a month and had him withdraw $1,000.00 each time. There's no accounting for the money, and then Mom and Dad wrote her a few checks for more than 300.00 each.
Now, the caregiver is being prosecuted for exploitation of the elderly. The agency did nothing when I told them to stop sending the caregiver, and even tried to justify her actions. My parents were buying her cartons of cigarettes, paid for her speeding ticket, and gave her many gifts that she didn't report to the agency.
We will probably never get back the $25,000.00 that she took. So, always remember that they are employees and should only talk to their agency about the need for money.
Kindness is one thing, but the caregiver usually has family and friends they can go to for help.

After the experience I've had with a caregiver that was hired through an agency, I would tell the caregiver to never come back, and I would tell the agency in no uncertain terms that I don't want that caregiver in the home again. Why? Because the caregiver for my parents ended up taking my Dad to the bank twice a month and had him withdraw $1,000.00 each time. There's no accounting for the money, and then Mom and Dad wrote her a few checks for more than 300.00 each.
Now, the caregiver is being prosecuted for exploitation of the elderly. The agency did nothing when I told them to stop sending the caregiver, and even tried to justify her actions. My parents were buying her cartons of cigarettes, paid for her speeding ticket, and gave her many gifts that she didn't report to the agency.
We will probably never get back the $25,000.00 that she took. So, always remember that they are employees and should only talk to their agency about the need for money.
Kindness is one thing, but the caregiver usually has family and friends they can go to for help.

I would give the utility company your phone number in case of any problems, or better yet have the bill sent to you. The heat being turned off is not a good thing.

As if we don't have enough to do and worry about! A caregiver asking for money is way out of line. I have found over the 3 yrs I have had to hire caregivers that it's the" nicest" ones you have to watch out for. And of course they are the ones our vulnerable parents like the best!

A caregiver approached me when Mom was in rehab post stroke saying she wanted to work for my Mom. I thought how wonderful....what a good person. That should have been my first clue. Long story short she attempted to turn Mom against me and had Mom on some heavy duty drugs by lying to the visiting nurse about Moms anxiety. They called her PCP to prescribe it!! The drug left her sluggish all morning so the caregiver would not have to work so hard! Took me awhile to figure this all out. Mom and I are best friends and this woman almost destroyed both of our lives forever as I even thought at one point she was going to report me to APS with false claims of who knows what. Thankfully a guy friend of mine intervened to help me get her fired and most importantly gave the impression that Mom and I were not alone in this....we had back up!

In retrospect I see so clearly now how she "profiled" me as a hands off daughter possibly due to the fact that I am a well dressed woman with a professional career. She was wrong.
Hate to admit it but even the caregiver I have now is pilfering.....a can of tuna here...some stamps there..scented refills.....even an unusual serving spoon! Mom had 2 of these spoons so she apparently thought I wouldn't miss one. When I told her to be on the lookout for it she said "o its right here!" I told her there were 2 of them so please be on the lookout for it giving her the opportunity to return it but she never did. And curiously after that encounter she asked me if I wanted her back! Guilty!!!!

I think that these incidents erode our trust and make us fearful of our future aging process. Thus the PTSD and difficulty integrating back into a normal lifestyle once our care giving duties are over. It feels as if time stands still when we are caregiveing and we expect to return to life as it was....don't think that ever really happens We experience such heartbreak and disappointment that it changes us moving forward. For instance I was an avid skier... its not like riding a bike......I'll never be the skier I once was. I am mourning so many things/activities that I have lost thru this journey.

As the wife, I am a 24/7 Caregiver for my DH.

I have no children, Ray has 3 grown children.

I have never asked any of them for $$ - we manage on our limited income and I "retired" at 45 to stay home with Ray, he was 75 at the time. So I do know what "limited income" is all about. The spouse cannot collect anything from the government for caregiving.

I am so sorry you were put on the spot like that.

Full circle: caregivers deserve a living wage. They rarely are paid that. Needs like this arise, everyone is uncomfortable, and there is no easy or cheap solution.

I would run screaming to her agency and give them the story she told you. To me, it sounds a little fishy, it makes you wonder about her lifestyle away from your dad. If she hits you up for the heat to be turned back on, what next, food, legal troubles and the list goes on.

If anyone does decide to help out a caregiver I like the idea of asking to see the shut off notice! Not just a bill but the actual notice with current date and year and in their name!
This is not an unreasonable request and will send the message that you are smart and capable.

An agency-employed aide we had doing 12-hour shifts a couple of days a week while I worked approached me to offer to work for us privately. I immediately realized that I'd left an invoice from the agency out on my work table and the aide had plenty of time to pick through that stuff and see what the agency charged. BEWARE of this. Not only the unpleasant realization that the aide had unlimited time to poke through everything that wasn't locked away, but then there's this... Aides may approach you with offers to work for less than what the agency charges. Worse, they may be angling to get paid under the table (by not reporting the income). An agency-hired aide is covered for workers comp and tax withholding. Unless you're willing to factor that in for a private pay arrangement, you're setting yourself up for a lot of liability if anything goes wrong.

Hate to say it, but in my experience people who ask their employers directly for money or advances etc. like that are trouble. Plus she must know it is against the rules, thus she is deliberately breaking the rules. The rules are there for a reason. Also, there are charities that help in these kinds of situations, other avenues she could pursue if she wanted to.

You have enough on your plate without another person's drama. I would step away from this person.

All good answers. My concern is integrity. I'm sure there is a rule against this kind of thing. If she has asked you, she would definitely ask an elderly patient. She needs to be reported. It's too bad if she cannot manage her own finances, but there are places that can help her with her utilities. I would not trust her now. Ask for a different caregiver.

RayLin,
See if you can sign up for IHSS (In Home Support Services). It's a government agency that hires caregivers to be able to keep the patient in their own home. I don't know if other states have this but California does.
I was my dad's c/g and was paid minimum wage (20 years ago). They set the amount of hours he qualifies for. Hubs would have to meet the criteria. Make a list of all the help you give him and give it to them.


I have the reverse problem. I work for a private home care company as a nurse. My patients' family, at times, tries to give me money. I tell them I can't take it (morally and against the laws of the company). They don't care. She will try to stuff it in my pocket or my purse. I wind up leaving it in their home. They are financially comfortable so it has been sizeable amounts.
I can't very well call my company and "complain", as I truly care about my patient and, otherwise, love working for the family. It just gets "sticky" about 3 times a year.

I guess there's nothing wrong with accepting a Christmas and birthday present (small amount of cash) but getting $ just for doing my job is not right and I tell them so.

I would NEVER ask the patient or family for money, even if I really needed it.
In that c/g's case, she could call the gas and electric company and work out a payment plan. If you give them a small amount, they can't turn off your source of heat and cooking.
Surely, there would be a friend, family member, neighbor, boyfriend or girlfriend, loan company, pawn shop, church, etc. that she could have gone to, so as not to violate her job agreement and put doubt in the minds of the family she works for. That really was a dumb move on her part.

Some caretaker arrangements would allow for the caretaker to ask the employer for an advance in a situation like this (overdue power bill) but they are usually private agreements between the employer and usually a group of caregivers.

I know someone who is employed as a caregiver and the elderly gentleman will offer advanced money if my friend has an emergency or overdue bill.

BUT she has worked for this old gentleman for over ten years and he knows her very well.

If this caregiver was hired from an agency then it’s kind of presumptuous. But it’s not as odd as you’d think.

You were right not to give her any money. A caregiver taking money from a client, with or without permission, is usually a violation of licensure rules for the agency and could result in a loss of their license and/or Medicaid contracts. Caregivers know it is wrong and are taking advantage of their relationship with you by asking. Reporting this to her agency is a good thing because it will keep her from preying on others.

As an agency owner, I provide payroll advances to my caregivers when they are in a bind so that they will not be tempted to resort to asking clients, or worse. I can always get my money back out of their paycheck.

Ask for a copy of the heat bill.
If you help, pay directly to gas/electric