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Making the meals & cooking cleaning etc being there for him..lately he has become a name caller at me. His favorite is B**** or when in the car with him to somewhere he will call men the other word if they aren't as good a driver as he is. he will do things that if he leaves a light on ..and i shut it off while he has the other one on..to conserve or that the light is left on..he will yell "i will shut that off when i'm ready to and flip it back on" just to say he is in power i think. He calls me names..when he is confronted in actions that i am not liking ..and i say to him to pick on someone else or say "shame on him" for being mean. He eats in his room and watches tv..he doesnt like to be disturbed but likes to disturb others. it seems he enjoys doing something naughty or bothering someone ..he likes to sneak up behind a person also to see them jump. he also likes the casino to bs at..not too much to gamble but to be center of attention there ..if he can..around anyone that will talk to him..he isnt as nice as he may appear..but they may not know that..as they dont live with him. it puzzles me to see how he is around others..and feel him calling me a B**** when I am the one who takes care of him so he dont have to do anything ..he says he likes to make me smile..etc..but he isn't consistent..and forgets my birthday or someones..and tho his is more important. What can I say to him when he is Verbal?? Someone Please Help me!! Thank you.

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Medina I really don't want to sound unkind but I think from what you say that you might have rushed in to a situation where angels fear to tread?

If you are now hearing things about your uncle's past that are shocking and overwhelming, that means you now have better information. There is no shame in adjusting your plans to take account of that better information. Hand over to your uncle's doctor, to APS, to somebody, and get out of the firing line. You've done your best, it isn't your fault that it hasn't worked.
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Medina you have every right to ask your question and make the comments you have. That's why we're here. Just ignore the negative "don't complain" post.
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ElenasElderCare : gosh, I am not complaining. I am reaching out as this is the site to do so.
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Old man needs evaluation. Sometimes dementia can come with complete personality change. You should not complain then if you take caregiver's role upon yourself. That man can be very sick (Lewy Body dementia?) and just going through those changes. He can't help himself. The best you can do it to tolerate it or find somebody else to care for him. It might help to join local support group to learn how others cope with such situations.
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yes i guess it is something i didnt grow up around..when we did visit he was always funny and didnt see it..mostly i played with the other kids..so didnt notice ...but now i hear things that ..kinda makes me feel overwhelmed or shocked..i dont know..i can't change someone..i dont get paid for this..i help him/live in the same town.
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Medina is this a new behaviour? if it is he needs an evaluationg something is changing in his mind or body. pass this over to his kids.
Are you being paid for your services?
This is not healthy for you and is not your responsibility.
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I didn't mean that Medina4 should put up with it, but it might be that he needs some kind of treatment. Responding to his behavior by telling him off might not help the issue. In fact, I'm not suggesting there's a solution. And, I agree that I think his children should take him to a doctor to get this checked-out to find out if there's some other underlying cause to this.

I'll give a different example: I have a friend who is bi-polar. It's really hard to get your meds adjusted right and almost a lifelong issue, really, as your metabolism can change and other factors can cause the meds to stop working as well. In any case, when she's not doing well, she has a tendency to say extreme things to me. Once, she accused me of stealing her ovaries (no, I'm not a doctor, wasn't anywhere near her -- I'm just giving this as an extreme example). All I'm saying is that, by understanding her condition, it actually helps me realize she doesn't really hate me -- when she acts-out at me, it's not about me or anything I did, but her disease.

Or, maybe your Uncle has always been kind of nasty and he's just getting worse. In that case, I guess telling him off is as good as anything else.
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Have you talked to his children about why they don't help? It's possible your uncle has some form of dementia. If it were me, I'd try to get him to a doctor for a physical, just to see if it's his brain. If he refuses or he goes and he's mentally sound, I'd try StandingAlone's suggestion for a comeback. If that doesn't work, I"d leave. He has others with a much greater responsibility for his care than you.
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Possibly, Geo, or possibly an extension of the habit of a lifetime; but either way, how does it become Medina's problem before it becomes her uncle's children's problem?
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I don't want to try to diagnose this, not being a doctor, but the behavior sounds like some kind of dementia. My grandma has ALZ, didn't call us names, but loved to do naughty things. It was part of her disease, though. Even though it hurts when he calls you names and bugs you when he does naughty things, I have to wonder if it's part of some other problem.
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Medina are you shaped like a punch bag? Do you have "welcome" tattooed across your forehead? This man is not your responsibility, not as long as he has living children of his own. Walk. There are lots of other people who both need your help and will appreciate it. Best of luck x
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no not anyone will cos they been yelled at when done so..cs they get in a argument from something or something brought up n it's all hells bells again..
as
..now i know why. ..: (
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No one else helps? Gee, I wonder why! And who said you had to be a martyr for this man? You don't. And if you leave stuff undone...so? Then it's undone. The world won't end.

Don't ever take abuse lying down from ANYBODY. *hugs*
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..cos no one else helps.
n it's just i'm that way..which makes it harder to say no..but i know i have to do something becos my self worth is being touched...right??
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Thank you..it feels like that alot of the times.but if i do leave it..what if it never gets put away? I know I have to do something lke that cos my saying anything goes in and out of his ears!! Thank you..for helping me to be brave..and realize im not rubber.
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Medina, I've missed something. This man has children; they won't tolerate him; you are trying to take care of him and now you are finding his behaviour intolerable. Why are you still there?
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Standing,
Oh between you and pstegman I am getting some good laughs today!
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"What can I say to him when he is Verbal??"

This is what I would say: "Listen A**HOLE, the next time you start spouting off to me I'm walking out of here and your mean old ass can fend for itself. You'll be doing your OWN cleaning, your OWN cooking and you can hitchhike to that damn casino for all I care. Hopefully a psycho will pick you up and off your sorry ass and do us all a favor, got it??!"

And every time...every single time... he opened his mouth with something nasty, I'd stop what I was doing turn around, leave it undone, and leave. These types are like dogs. You have to train them to treat you with any kind of respect or else they wipe their sorry feet all over you.

Good luck. I don't envy you.
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Sometimes people lose the function of the brain that controls one's inhibitions. before he probably thought some of these things and could contain them..... Hence (also) the dirty old man syndrome. Setting boundaries is sticking up for yourself in a healthy manner. Sit down with him and explain you will not be talked to like that. Tell him next time he does that you are leaving..... and do so. See if it helps
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Thank you..feels good just to hear that..i do feel squashed down..i'm not one to think that he would do that to me..but tho i've seen him do that to his kids..and that is why i am here to help him ..not them. I just thot i wouldn't get that kind of treatment..but it's tuff to swallow..no matter what armor i put on for the day.avoiding him dont help..cos have to see him eventually when i tend to things.I have said to him what i wont tolearate as i've been abused before in my marriages..&he knows it.&i dont know isit just a guy thing..that women are just under..&if a guy is caught ..no matter who the guy is..when caught being a jerk or being unpleasant..that they just become meaner to get the attention off the action the person did.. I just am at a point where i feel nervous&afraid ..and the conversation to him will be limited..which is all i can do to protect my sanity....
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Seems to me that you've surrendered all the power that you have. You're the one in charge of someone that seems pretty ungrateful to me. Maybe it's time to remind your uncle of what you will and won't allow while you're taking care of him. If you started out having boundaries in the beginning, put them back in place. If you never had boundaries that you didn't want him to cross, time to make some new ones. You are the one with the power, take it back. He should feel lucky to have someone to take care of him in the first place. You're not the one that should feel lucky to have to right?
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