As legal and medical POA, I am emotionally on a wild ride as I begin to wait for rehab’s assessments. Dad, 97, is being admitted to rehab today after a four-day hospital admission, after a fall where he hit his head hard. He’s ok after lots of imaging. He has dementia, advancing hydrocephalus (no shunt, he refused in 1990), and severe aortic stenosis, which probably were the cause of the fall (my back was turned for about 10 seconds and he decided to stand up on his own to remove his socks). He has been falling (without injury) more regularly in the past six months. I have a hunch rehab will make a well-considered recommendation, but ultimately the decision lies on me. If that is true, I have to face either the probability of having a catastrophic fall at home (no reliable night care), or his being quickly placed in a dreadful LTC. I’ve just toured seven LTCs. Of course the ones I felt good about have 1-2 year wait lists. Dad has such an amazing daytime caregiver at home, that even Dad’s primary doc said (before the most recent fall) -- “Keep taking the risk” of home care.” My 86-year-old dear husband has been so patient with my caretaking role for the past 10 years. He’s suggested we split so he can live out his life in the warmer climate we have both dreamed of. I really don’t want to continue making Dad’s home life work, but am having a hard time facing realities now that crux time is here. I really don’t want to go through being Dad’s grim reaper. Most of all, I really want peace and some joy with my husband. I know that sounds like a no-brainer, but I don’t have a reliable brain right now. I feel very alone, as my co-POA sister is very ill and wants me to make all decisions.
There are just so many imponderable factors, aren't there?
At 97, and with your father now so very frail, and although one has to be careful what one wishes for of course, this may all resolve itself quite quickly.
At 86, it is understandable that your husband doesn't feel he has time enough to spend on more waiting. But even so.
If rehab is going to come up with a good strong recommendation, would it be too much to ask them to come up with a good strong, not to say forceful, referral to a decent care facility? They must surely have some influence with the key admissions personnel.
Or, what is awful about the ltc's that might be easier to get into? Might it be possible to retain the excellent caregiver to supplement his care and compensate for any shortfalls at the least worst of them?
The problem I perceive with any facility though, actually, is that you still won't feel free to jet off to sunnier climes, will you? I haven't yet read of a caregiver who happily washed her hands of the whole business the second her loved one got placed.
Right.
Yes, there is an ultimate authority, and that is you.
You don't know what to do for the best. I don't blame you, I don't think it is possible to know.
So perhaps, its being Thursday, you should firmly decide to do nothing: you just don't have enough clarity to come to a decision with any confidence. Just let your thoughts marinate over the weekend, and then let's go through them again.
The indecisiveness is unfair to both of them.
Made a choice of who is the more important and if it’s dad then move in to your fathers place be there for overall presence and nite duty for your dad OR if it’s hubs have dad upon completing his rehab segueway to a LTC resident and you move with your hubs to whatever warmer climate you two have been planning for throughout your marriage.
Your home gets sold in choice #1 as your moving in to dads place & it gives hubs $ for him to start afresh in wherever he settles “warm”; Dads home gets sold in choice #2 & perhaps yours as well depending on your & hubs finances & snowbird plan. Whichever choice you make by placing a home on the market with a Realtor enforces that a decision has been made by you and moves forward your decision.