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Until I find someone in the same situation, it's hard to find anyone who truly understands.

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Yes I'm grateful there's money to pay for them to be in the facilities, otherwise I'd have gone nuts for sure. The cost is unbelievable, I thought they had plenty to last when they were in independent living but now it's 3x as much each month for one in AL and one in MCare.

I think they're trying hard at the MC place to get my mother out of her room, but should I be paying thousands of dollars a month for them to be unsuccessful? For her to just sit there every day isolated, except when she comes out for meals? It seems like there has to be a solution.

Then there's my father, constantly accusing me of things that I haven't done, like preventing the director of the MC place from returning his calls. I don't even know how he thinks these things up. All I've done for the past 6 months is manage their care, it takes enormous amounts of time even tho they are living elsewhere, and all he does is resent me and criticize every move I make. So yes, I am trying to back away from both of them. Which makes them resent me even more. It's a no-win situation. And who has TWO parents to deal with??

Dr's appts! -- one doc suggested my father see a dermatologist -- who found a melanoma, which took 5 trips before they finally got it all. I live an hour away from where my father is. Then he broke a tooth. All I've done is drive, drive, drive. Any day I get to stay home is pure joy.

And then there's the issue of my father driving. He was driving until his stroke, and he thinks he still should be able to. Demands to have their car back constantly. I'm about to sell it, but you'll probably hear him explode when he finds out about that, no matter how far across the country you are.
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opecoh, first thing be relieved that your parents aren't under your roof or you under theirs. They are getting good care being in Assisted Living and being in Memory Care. I know it isn't easy as we do tend to become helicopter caregivers whenever our parents are living elsewhere.

Yes, back off slowly. The facilities will call you if they have any questions. Cut back the visits. And cut back the doctor appointments, as one year I counted up 40 trips to doctors between both of my parents... enough already.... if it is something urgent then yes. My Mom didn't need a mammogram at 97 years old but she insisted!!

Ah yes, the change of addresses.... what a chore and will these places ever get them right. My Mom had recently passed, and Dad was ready to move out of the house. So I also have the pleasure of dealing with address changes, plus they had post office box to boot. All bills come to me now.

My parents also never took care of their own parents, thus they had no clue what they were putting me through. Dad wanted me to retire from my career so that it would be easier for me to drive them around.... so I asked Dad if he had stop work to take care of his parents or Mom's parents.... ah no... he never asked me that question again.

Please note, between the stroke and dementia, your parent's mind are not thinking as clearly as they use to. There are days now that my Dad's mind is "in the weeds" and I am trying so hard not to keep correcting him. Like right now he's obsessed with the phone system being out at his building, I tried to explain to him how Verizon is on-strike and he can go to the front desk if he needs to make a care, the front desk person will let him use her cellphone. Dad is wondering how people are going to go to work.... everyone is going to be confused.... what about the school children.... [oh good grief].

Are you able to get funds to use to pay for both places? Trying to get my Dad to open the vault hasn't been easy, but he finally did transfer some funds so I can pay the bills.
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My mother had a stroke in Dec '08 which left her with expressive aphasia. She has vascular dementia. My father was relatively healthy and they were living independently until he also had a stroke in Nov '15. Both are 88 yrs old, married 67 years. He wasn't expected to survive but did, and has recovered remarkably, considering, altho he does have some short-term memory loss and confusion. They moved to assisted living after his rehab, but my mother's anger got to be so intense and constant that I moved her to memory care recently. My father isn't handling the separation well as he sees it as his duty to care for her till the bitter end, and no matter what. She is miserable because she knows well what's happening to her, she's depressed and cries frequently. She never cried before her stroke.

They both reject everything and anything I suggest, and really don't want to live any longer. The memory care staff tries hard to get my mother to participate in activities there, and she did for the first couple of weeks, but now she just sits alone in her room all day, only coming out for meals. She yells or fusses at me whenever I visit. My father resents me and treats me badly, now in public -- at drs appts and in care conferences for my mother, to the point of making others uncomfortable. Every professional in the elder care business that I've spoken with has told me I'm doing all I can and to back off. But if not me, who will watch over their care? Plus I've had to take over all aspects of their lives financially now, and while POA's were in place, it's still extremely difficult to get banks and other establishments to allow me to do what needs to be done. Never mind that my mother hid most of the documents needed for their tax return. I'm gradually having all addresses changed to mine, but some places just refuse to do it, even with the POA.

My parents also have no concept of the fact that I'm not young, they still think I'm the child and capable of going non-stop. Neither of them ever had to care for any of their 4 parents.

Having two parents to manage care of is emotionally exhausting. They are still cognizant enough to be able to fight me on everything, and they do.

I hate seeing my mother so miserable, she's in a good facility, but still I feel like I have no help in finding some peace for her.
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opecoh, whenever the writers comes onto the forums, we will find you via your question. Lot of us understand what you are going through even though it might not be identical in nature. Do you parents live with you or you with them? Or are they in Assisted Living or continuing care? Are you their only caregiver, or do you have paid help that come in? How long have you been the primary caregiver?

I am pushing 70 years old and was dealing with my parents who were in their mid to late 90's and refusing to move from their home which had a lot of stairs. I lived under my own roof and they under their roof. My parents refused caregivers and cleaning service. My primary care was mainly logistical instead of being hands on as my parents were still managing to take care of themselves on their own.

But it was emotionally exhausting for me, as I was a senior citizen with my own age decline issues, aches and pains, etc. Yet my parents still thought of me being in my 20's or 30's and could do everything. Sorry, that ship sailed out a decade ago. Trying to convince them I just couldn't do what they wanted me to do was so frustrating.

So share with us what you are dealing with.
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How do I reach them? I just discovered this site today.
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Many members here are in that situation. Even some going through it with spouses.
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