I have two siblings, one of whom contributes nothing to the care of my mother. The other gets on my nerves. How do you deal with it?

Also when An aging parent can’t help themselves ...they really have no choice but to accept outside help. They will get over it. My father was the same way when he could no longer bathe by himself and my small framed mom struggled with it.. until we got home health set up to come out twice a week to bathe him and they don’t struggle like my mom did not did it take as long either.. first my dad was against it stating he was not going to let some strange woman bathe him! Mom told him then he will have to just lay there and stink.. she finally put her foot down on this because he was bullying her into doing for him as usual.. now he doesn’t argue about it anymore... put your foot down and tell the ages parent u have no choice.. get set up with home health... it’s worth it and they will get over it

I’m sorry about the stress you must be feeling. I’m wondering if you might feel a bit more re-energized over time in your current peaceful surroundings. Maybe you’ll feel you can do it once more, just for your mom. Truth is, there will come a time when she’s no longer with us and being able to look back without regrets is important. On the other hand, maybe your sister is feeling just as stressed as you are. Is it necessary for both of you to be there at the same time. Would it alleviate some of the stress if you took turns caregiving.

I have siblings who do very little and have tried to cause as much grief and aggravation as they can. When they come, I either leave or go to a bedroom and read, or listen to the radio. The doctor told me to do whatever it takes to be less stressed out, so this is my solution. I am not apologizing for it, because they are the ones who created the stress to begin with. I think there was a movie about a man and woman who were in the same vacation house, but at different times, so maybe a schedule where you will simply not be there when she is there. You could always take your mom out to eat for Christmas and do things by yourself with her, but I would definitely be there for the holidays with her. And who said that you have to do the holidays on the actual date? Pick your own time!

I also had the same situation with my siblings. I have two older sisters and two younger sisters. My sisters never even returned calls when I tried to contact them about the parents failing health. they all live local but they still never bothered to call. I was so pissed. I was doing everything on my own with some help from husband who has Parkingsons and was getting treatment for prostrate cancer.
I decided the hell with them. It is their lose if they don't want any part of helping and seeing parents for the time that they had left on this world. I took care of my parents, one alz. and the other dementia, both incontinence and other major problems.
It was very hard but I took care of them until god called them to heaven. I don't regret any of the time I spent with them. I forgot the bad and love reliving the good times. I learned so much about my parents that I never knew. but most of all I learned to love them so much more than I already did.
My ex-sisters still haven't tried to contact my parents or me. I never even told them they passed and they never called to ask.
I consider myself an only child and don't regret any of the care good or bad I needed to do for them. I would do it all over again
and not think twice.....love and miss both of them.....

Yes, my sibling said "HE WOULD NOT DO THE CAREGIVING" and when my mother lay dying on her deathbed, he returned all the way from Boston to Sacramento. Now mind you this was not too genius since he would have to travel back across country to her funeral. Caregiving usually falls on one adult kid. That kid was me @ 71 years old and I did NOT EVEN LIVE IN MY MOTHER'S STATE!

SLEEP, SLEEP AND MORE SLEEP -

Why don't you have help to deal with her? - 3 weeks of 24/7 is too much - you are sleep deprived & the fact you have made your own 'quiet little nest' at your place just emphasizes even more

Hire someone [semi?] professional to do some of the work - maybe a couple of nursing students or such that will take the night shift ... they can doze on the sofa & get up with her from 11:00 to 7:30 so you get proper sleep [with ear plugs in] - they will awaken you for any non routine issue - by using the nursing students they will be more aware than most of what is needed to be done

If you are giving of yourself 24/7 for three weeks at a time, then I think you have every right to spend the holidays however you wish to spend them and if that's at home - or just not with family - that's perfectly okay. Caregivers must be mindful of their own needs and take care of themselves. Call your mom in lieu of being there. You are an adult whose made a choice, and you do not need to explain yourself to anyone including your mother.

Salutem:

Not everyone has loving parents or siblings. People who do can never understand.

I second the suggestion to use your mothers money for medicare Certified Nurse assistants, which they pay for.

Or a qualified nursing home or care facility.

I am sorry that your parents did not plan for their old age care.

I care for my dad 24/7/365 -- emotionally.
I work full time. He lives with me. He is 83 and he has his problems but not to the point where he cannot be left alone for a few hours a day. I have a caregiver come in once a day 5x a week to assist with the afternoon meal and be a companion for about two hours. I do the rest... bfast, dinner, outings, laundry, cleaning, reminding him to bathe, reminding him to brush his teeth, change socks, pick up after him, find his glasses... etc.
Sometimes I do get frustrated and I just go into the other room say a "help me be with me" prayer to my Lord Jesus who gives me peace... then back I go into the grindstone.
Yes... I get it and it isn't as bad as yours sounds but thats what helps me.

WALK IN WITH ALL POWER IN YOUR HANDS. GO ABOUT YOUR DAY AND NIGHT ACTIVITY AS IF YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE PRESENT...AND MAKE AN ANNOUNCEMENT SUCH AS THIS:

HEY YOU GUYS...I A IN CHARGE THIS YEAR OF ALL HAPPINESS AND ALL HOLIDAY JOY THIS YEAR AND IF YOU WANT TO MAKE THIS TIME BEARABLE I SUGGEST YOU GET A PAD AND PEN AND TAKE NOTES. WE WILL GET ALONG OR DIE TRYING!

KEEP A SMILE ON YOUR FACE AND PRAY ALL TE WAY UNTIL YOU STEP OUT THE DOOR TO TRAVEL BACK HOME!

DR COPERTINO

Why are you staying over? If mom can’t be by herself there needs to be round the clock caregivers.. if that’s not affordable then a custodial nursing home ... they accept Medicare Medicaid and any other sources ... mom’s money and resources are to be used to keep her up in a nursing home or any other means of care , not for the kids to receive after she is gone.. use it fo get her where she needs to be.

The Holidays. Family. Nightmare. I get it. Take care of your needs first. We all need peace and, for some of us, being with family doesn't bring good tidings of comfort and joy. Find a good therapist who can help you work through your problematic situation...or get you to a place that allows you to separate the family circus from the peace you have inside. Sometimes it takes some time to find the right mix of technique and personality to arrive at the right therapist, but do this for you. Wishing you Peace during the Holidays!

I have two siblings--brother is head injured and has never done anything but drink since he was 15. Sister lives 45 minutes away and visits mom maybe once a year though she was my mother's adored favorite. She'll come around to get her inheritance, though.

My mother loves and encourages chaos. I help her out at certain pivotal points but do not live there. No way will I go there Christmas day. She'll have her noisy pack of hangers-on and users. I am staying home.

Maybe you can find a way to reduce your time at your mom's by hiring help or letting her be alone more. These old people aren't babies--do they all really need constant company to survive? If they are so helpless then they should be in nursing homes. Don't give up more of your life than you really want to--you can't get it back.

If your siblings can't do right for doing wrong... If you can't cope with them and can't cope without them...

I think it's probably not you or them, it's the situation itself. And presumably they too are finding it pretty rough going.

So. Taking all things into consideration, what (thinking of ideals) would work for all of you and your mother too? What would you like to happen given the fact of your mother's stroke and disability?

Just as a comparison, when my first husband and I separated, we had our two daughters 50/50 time. When they were gone to his house, I felt lonely – the silence was deafening. When they were at my house, I felt like there was no peace in my head. I learned that it’s just an inevitable part of an on/off situation. Do you have to be there together with your sister? Perhaps keeping that distance might help.

Salutem,

I feel that the most realistic answer is, enjoy the blessing of being able to go back to your home, to your quiet and peaceful place, and also value the blessing of being able to participate in the care of your mother, even if it stresses you out; we, all caregivers, experience that and can relate. Try to work on yourself, as to how to “block the chaos”. It is very hard, but possible. When you are with your mom focus on what needs to be done and to have quality time with your mother. Avoid confrontation with your sister because at the end of the day, you both are trying to do your best. This journey is tough for everyone, including for those that don’t participate!! I would think so, because most of them would have to deal with guilt at some point...or with karma!

Concentrate on what you do, more that on what others do or don’t do. It’s the best way to make this journey more manageable. And I mean what I say about being able to go back to your place where you can enjoy solitude and calmness. Many caregivers don’t have that luxury. Make the best out of your time alone! Do what you want, do things that feed your soul! which includes doing nothing at all.

And I wouldn’t miss Christmas with your mom! Remember Christmas is an specially great time to make memories that you will cherish forever. Remember you will go home afterwards but you’ll have made your mom happy even if with a little sacrifice. Try to make the best out of it!

Good luck Salutem!!

Why are you staying there 24/7? There are round the clock CNAs if she needs anything. This is part of your stress. Are you and sister there the same time? Maybe shifts would be better. I knew sisters that one visited one day the other the next. Both held down jobs.