She's total care. Both the other two siblings live less than a mile away. My sister and my mom and I share an apartment, all pay equal shares. But as time has passes, my mom has become total care. Either my sister or myself must be with her day and night. We are so exhausted but these other siblings just go on with their lives never offering help. My older sister is even retired and has plenty of time. She visits on occasion and is always so sweet to mom and just acts like an angel. While we have to be the ones who do hard things like telling mom she can't wander outdoors at night and other dangerous behaviors. In other words we are the bad cops and she the good cop. It's infuriating to say the least. And asking her for help? Well yeah, but if you do you'll see the ugliest meltdown you've ever seen. My brother, well he is totally useless. Don't these two have any obligation to put in some real time with her, real help, like a shift? We are dying here
I liked the suggestion that they help run errands and do the wash, ect.
But I don't think you are doing this because you have to, or because you won the drawing on who is responsible for her. Keep in mind why you and Sis are doing this in the first place. It is too bad, but VERY common, that not everyone has the same level of compassion and caring that you do.
What happens if you and your sister announce that you need and want a weeks vacation - together? As you are finding out, taking care of a parent is an impossible job. I don't blame anyone for not wanting to do it.
How about a family meeting? Let your siblings know you need help..
When you've asked for help have you explained how difficult of a time you and your sister are having? Have you asked for something specific such as, "Would you be able to stay with mom on Monday from 1p-3p so we can go to lunch?" If your requests for help have been vague try being more specific.
An obligation to help with the care of an elderly parent is a very gray area in my opinion. It would be nice if they would pitch in and lighten the burden from you and your sister but if they won't what can you do? If they continue to refuse to help all you can do is accept it and try to carry on the best you can. And if caring for your mom has gotten to be too much for you and your sister you might want to consider a nursing home with a memory care unit. That's probably not your first choice for your mom but being her caregiver was probably not your first choice for yourself either. Getting no help from family isn't your choice. The whole situation just stinks and you have to do what you have to do to get through this. If your siblings absolutely won't help you will need other options.
I'm glad you and your sister are sticking together in caring for your mom. Caring for someone with dementia is so difficult. I'm glad you two have eachother.