My partner and I moved in with my parents in 2002. Initially they were doing us the favor and it had its tense moments but mostly it was doable. Then after a while we realized they really needed some help so we stayed. My father developed lung cancer in 2009 and died at home in 2010. Since then we've been taking care of my mother. My mother is a difficult person. She's what you might call a covert narcissist. We've been very trapped as she is very needy and it's hard for us to do anything independent. I have a sibling who does next to nothing. In fact he's only given us one week's break in the last 8 years. My mother totally forgives him and makes excuses for him. However, she has finally set the will to 66/33 but there might be nothing left. We can't stand living like this anymore. We need to feel way more relaxed when we are at home, we need way more independence and I need to not be responsible 24/7 for someone else. My mother wants to stay in her home so we're not sure how to make this work for her. We've thought about Adult Foster Care and we've thought about talking to Adult Protective Services to see what our rights our. Any thoughts? Has anyone else managed to navigate this kind of transition?

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Take your situation apart and look at the options.
Can you afford to move out.
Could you find employment in your fields at another location.
Can Mom afford more care?
How steady are you in your relationship with your partner..
As suggested contact your are council on aging and see what Mom's options are, and I say options not wants.
Mom will eventually have to accept some changes in her life that is inevitable as we age.
Map out the way you want your life to go then make plans to achieve it.
Provide Mom with options and if necessary help her move.
As long as she has not been declared incompetent and you have POA she can decline anything.
Is Mom low income and depends on you two financially.
Has she applied for Medicaid. If she has it they are more generous with help than Medicare.
Try and change your attitude from "We are trapped and don't know what to do" to "We are in situations that makes unhappy, what are our options?"
Remember Mom will only get worse till you have to give up your job and stay home 24/7 to care for her. it won't be easy but do something now while there is still time.
You may feel guilty and Mom will yell and scream but do what needs to be done NOW
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So often I read on here, "My mother doesn't want ..." or "My father wants to ..." I believe those statements but it really seems odd to me that they would be the foundation for important decisions.

We, of course, wanted all kinds of things when we were children. My mother said, over and over at least once a week, "We can't always have what we want." Sometimes she'd elaborate. "I want someone else to make dinner tonight. We can't always have what we want." or "I don't blame you for wanting that. That would be a great thing to have. But we can't afford it. We can't always have what we want."

Didn't anyone else's parents give them this basic fact of life?

We can't always have what we [think] we want.

So, Dad doesn't want to pay for what he needs. How is that your problem?

Your mother wants to stay in her home. Why would it be your responsibility to make that work?

My parents not only taught me that we can't always have what we want, but also that our actions and decisions have consequences. I passed those lessons down to my children.

Why do we so often think that our parents should be shielded from the consequences of their behavior, and it is up to us to be the shield?

jjariz, it sounds like you picked up my mother's mantra somewhere along the line. Why hasn't everyone? Or is it more a case of knowing that other people can't always get what they want but somehow we should make sure our own parents can.
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When you say, it would be hard for you to move out - so what is the plan, then? I thought that was what you intended to do?
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Countrymouse. My mother is a lone during the day while we’re at work. I call to check on her during the day. She has someone come in for 5 hours on Mondays. And I’m home on Fridays. She is fairly handicapped physicall but also she has never been one that could handle being a lone much certainly never overnight and while, if you met her, you’d think she was tuned in she really has trouble learning things and problem solving. So it’s complicated and if she were assessed by convential means a clear picture of her needs would not be ascertained. Certainly for me and for many others things like ASAP’s an AAA really aren’t very helpful. For example she qualifies for a ride to various things but then then show up with a bus hat hardly anyone can get into or feel very safe once they’re strapped in. Our local asap had a program for medical appointments for seniors but they discontinued it. Basically she needs someone living with her most of the time. They can go out for several hours but they can’t go too far away. She’s terrified of ambulances so she would be reluctant to pull her lifeline. I could go on and on.

It would be hard for us to move out because we live and work in the Northeast but we hate our life because we are so trapped. We can go to work and local errands but not much else unless we get a friend to stay which happens rarely partially because my mother doesn’t want to impose on them-she doesn’t think twice about imposing on us.
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"My mother wants to stay in her home so we're not sure how to make this work for her."

We can't always get what we want. You have to decide and then make it happen
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I'm in a similar thing with my Dad. He would rather have me, than a caregiver, because a caregiver cost money, and he prefers family than strangers. But I'm thinking about starting him slowly with outside help, like once a week. I found a program somewhere that has care/companions for an affordable price. The problem is he probably wont want to pay that. While he can afford it, he feels he cant.

He wants to be home rather than in a assisted living. So the only option now is to find someone to help him.
Us caregivers sometimes have to do some respectful persuasion to help parents understand what both and they and us need. They don't understand the burden on children because they are in pain. While we feel for them and want to help, we also want to live too while we can.
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How old is your mother? Does she in fact have any physical or mental care needs, or is it that she is emotionally dependent on you?

Rather than APS as such, first contact your Area Agency on Aging and see what resources and support you might find locally. What you want to do is not at all unreasonable; go about it methodically and patiently, and may you very soon make progress.

Where will you and partner go, by the way?
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