to begin with I’m not my MIL full time caregiver her son is atm . But as I see things going she might be ending up with me so I am trying to prepare myself . I have helped both my MIL and FIL for the last 20 or so years , at various times they lived with me , taking them to doctors , pretty much everything other family members had little to none involvement they would come overseas and live with me and my small children and I would have to cater to the whole family coming to visit them now when I think back I had no life and I don’t know how I lived through it . FIL has passed away MIL is 88 and can hardly walk , she is a controlling, manipulative and nasty person capable of saying things wou wouldn’t imagine . In others peoples eyes she’s an angel . She moved in last year with us for 3 months and I ended up running away from my own house , I have grandchildren btw. She would complain to my husband how me and my daughter left her all alone and would go in the other room , lol , she wouldn’t let me go to the bathroom , always wanted me next to her . Constantly called her children over so I Would have to cater to all of them dinners and so on . I don’t and can’t be her caregiver she is overseas now with her son and is complaint that she can’t be over there she hasn’t seen them for 8 years and her daughter is looking for someone to take her in . I have a feeling this is going to end badly I will end up leaving my husband he is not capable of standing up for himself let alone me . I have expressed to the whole family that I am not capable of caring for her . But this is a family that does not care and will use you until the end I know first hand . What are some of my options as I am already stressing . The woman doesn’t even live with us yet control us having to call her constantly guilt tripping and so on I can’t imagine living with her
It is your husbands problem, he needs to grow a backbone. You have been played, time for you to stop the insanity.
Sending support your way.
You ran away once, you can do it again. These relatives are in another country, what can they really do. You tell them calmly and firmly, you will not be taking care if THEIR mother. She is not your responsibility even though your married to her son. You tell your husband the same thing. If he allows his Mother to live with him, then he can fully care for her. That means bathing and cleaning her up after toileting. All on him because, you will walk out. You have nothing to keep u there.
I would doubt if MIL would make it on a plane if she now is immobile. Is she incontinent? If so, I definitely would not bring her on a plane. I have always wandered if women like this would have taken care of a MIL like that.
No is a one word sentence.
If you say NO, you are not responsible for the reaction you get.
Sometimes, you have to be a "jerk" to protect yourself when your words don't work.
I like the “obey” classification my husband fits a tee to that he can’t seem to understand that you can respect parents but have boundaries it’s inherent to tradition . I on the other hand think differently I actually never had a mother and I have given his parents all that I am willing to give I can’t give anymore and I’m not afraid to stand up I think what is bothering me is my own guilty somewhere in there I feel as if I owe them but isn’t that true for her other children ?? Other sons and daughter in laws , actually I know the answer me and hubby are the gullible pleasing ones and she wants to go where her every whim will be fulfilled. Instead of me having empathy for this woman I now have hatred and I wish it wasn’t like that I tried to get a nurse last year and they refused she wants it her way . I cannot have empathy because if I show it they will step all over me . I am preparing for the storm that is blowing in the distance
Sometimes love gets all tangled up with 'obey' doesn't it? That word (obey) has been ommitted from many wedding vows for probably that reason. You CAN love someone & not 'obey' them.
I like the word *respect* better.
People can love & respect each other. They are free to choose yes or no. Their answer is respected either way.
Parents do need to insist their children 'obey' for safety reasons, especially when very young. Don't leave the house without me. Don't run onto the road etc. Once they get older we learn to let go slowly. Let the child/teen/adult choose for themselves. (It can be heartbreaking to watch them making bad decisions at times).
Maybe your husband was always expected to obey? I suspect mine was. He's mentioned decisions he choose which resulted in anger fits, silent treatment or manipulation.
Never say no to Mama.
Anyhoo I am rambling a bit. It helps me to look at what can go behind behaviour. Makes me demonise people less if I understand their motives.
For you Binnka, I'd keep my messaging simple to your husband & his wider family.
What you will do. What you won't.
I can help you find a maid.
I am not your maid.
I can help you find accomodation.
I cannot provide longterm accomodation.
I am not your nurse.
I am not your bank.
I am not your personal assistant.
I am your wife / daughter-in-law / sister etc.