Her finances are a mess, she is deeply in debt, has no assets at all, and she has spent all the money from the life insurance policies we cashed in for her.

We moved her into a private-pay assisted living facility almost a year ago, which she hates, and have told her all along that she would move once she could qualify for Medicaid. In the meantime, we got her on VA and paid a lawyer to get her Medicaid application together, and got her on waiting lists for the best Medicaid and PACE facilities we could find in the area. We have made it clear that it was going to take awhile and we expected to move her in maybe the fall to a different facility. Well, fall came and she finally made it to the top of the waiting lists according to plan. But then she dug in her heels, and now refuses to go on Medicaid, and will not even consider moving until the spring.

She has refused placement three times already, twice to the nicest place on the list. She visited all these places, but cannot remember what they are like now and refuses to visit again. She thinks they are all a scam. She has chronic health issues and says she is "emotionally and physically unable to move." She doesn't believe me when I tell her that she is financially unable to stay much longer.

Her rent is due to increase at the end of January, and if it does, she will have trouble paying for basic expenses. We have gotten nowhere trying to show her how much better off she will be to make the switch, and she declares she can afford her copays (but not the mountain of hospital bills she has accrued). Now her creditors are calling me. We were told to not file bankruptcy if she is going on Medicaid soon. She has alienated all her children and we are her last hope.

To top it off, I live 600 miles away from her, my husband lives in another state 350 miles away (nearly 1,000 miles from me), and he will start cancer treatment soon. We are almost at retirement ourselves and have exhausted our savings trying to help her. I'm at the end of my rope.

We see no option but to let her crash and burn financially, but we signed to be responsible for her rent, and our name is on her bank accounts so we have to cover her overdrafts. Basically we really don't have much leverage, and it could take a long time to force her to do anything. And it could be really nasty. She already treats me like crap, despite doing most of the actual work to help her.

Heres what I would do, take her to the managers office and tell them that she plans on staying after her lease renews the end of January, and you need her to sign the new lease as you as the current signer are giving them a 30 day notice. Then hand them the notice that says you are no longer the signer for her apartment and this is your notice to them.

Then go to the bank, after you pay january's rent and remove yourself from the account.

When she has a hissy fit gently explain that you did all of the things you are now changing because you had a plan and an agreement, she has decided that she is not following through on the plan and you understand that is her prerogative but, you will not be able to sign for her apartment or be on her accounts any longer, your prerogative.

It is unfortunate that you have given up your savings to help her, it sounds like you would have been better off to let Medicaid get her money, instead she got hers and yours.

She will crash and burn, the real question is are you going down with her?

You are not stuck, you do not have to stay a signer or on her accounts. If the apartment tells you her lease isn't expiring, then they can't raise the rent. If the bank says that the account has to be closed or you have to stay on it, close it and get her auto deposit changed to her new account.

I would also check how many times she can say no to the facility before she comes off the list completely and how does all this effect Medicaid?

She can do what she wants but you don't have to participate. No is a complete sentence.

I hope your husband is okay. Be sure and take care of him and you, that is your priority once the above is accomplished.

Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Isthisrealyreal

You need to unlink your finances from MIL's finances ASAP as a matter of urgency. You may not be able to 'force her to do anything', but you should not ruin your own finances in the process. If you do, you are in trouble and you can't help her further even if you want to. If you fail to change her behaviour by convincing her, tricking her or forcing her, then 'crash and burn' will eventually make the change. Just don't crash with her.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to MargaretMcKen

She has to sign the lease and Medicaid paperwork to move her, so we can't just move her in, even with a POA. She is beginning to have memory issues, but not so much so that we can get guardianship if she doesn't give her consent. Her pattern is to pull back from major changes at the very last minute, so I guess I shouldn't have been surprised. This whole "hell no, I ain't going on Medicaid!" is new though.
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Reply to LostinIndy

I have read on occasion on this site posts from people in situations similar to your’s. As terrible as it sounds, some of the answers suggested trickery. Telling the parent they were being taken to lunch or dinner, then after the meal instead of going home, taking them to their new facility. It seems to me that your mom is at that point. You signed for her rent so it’s going to cost you money unfortunately. How much more it will cost you depends on how firm with her you are. She’s been in the driver’s seat for a while and she’s made a mess of things. She needs to get in the backseat and just go along for the ride. She has no choice. She’s out of time.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Ahmijoy

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