My mom had a stroke a few months ago and I came from another state to help her. My Dad has been a nursing home for about 2 years. It’s just my brother and me....and my brother has no drivers license and can unfortunately barely care for himself. I have been with my mom since she was released from rehab. I have been taking her to her appointments and to visit my dad. Since her stroke, she has recovered a lot, but does not seem concerned about my dad.... I “make her feel guilty” when she doesn’t want to visit him. She used to visit every day. Now we go a few times a week. She wants to come live with me out of state, but wants to leave my dad in the nursing home where he is. She says he’s fine. They currently live in Florida and my dad is in a place we are very happy with, however my concern is moving my mom out of state and leaving my dad. I think it’s important for both of them to be looked after. My brother says he won’t have a way to get to my Dad’s nursing home 30 miles away. I think my mom and brother are being kind of selfish..... she wanted me to see her every day when she was in the hospital, but she says my dad will be fine. I am supposed to go back to work soon and I don’t know if I should bring my my mom home with me and then drive the 400 miles every other weekend to check on my Dad, or just stay with them both in Florida and get a job and then drive to see my husband and adult children. My husband has been very supportive. We do not have a nursing home near us that would be good for my dad. What would you do? I am literally driving myself crazy with worry. I feel like I am abandoning my dad or my husband.
Your husband and family are #1. Maybe Mom should be placed in an AL near Dad or in the same facility if its found she needs 24/7 care. I would not bring her to live with you. The majority of the members on this site who have done it, regret it. There's a post now where a member did this and even though they gave her mother a nice big room to herself she has taken over the area that is the members. Kids stay in their rooms and husband is not in the house as much as he should be.
How often did you yourself visit your father before your mother had the stroke?
Don't blame her for not wanting to visit him every day. Strokes leave people extremely fatigued and it is not surprising that she can't maintain her daily visits. How is your father doing meanwhile?
I don't think you should move your mother in with you, and I don't think you should move to Florida either. I think you should support your mother in weighing up what her (other) options are and making her choice of those options happen.
You say she wants to move to your home, though, and it does sound as if you are going along with this notion and your only reservation is what happens about visiting your father. Really? What about your mother actually living with you? How carefully have you thought that through?
First, I would advise you to put your husband and children first.
What kind of shape is your mom in? Can she be left alone? Can she care for herself? Or did she sustain too much long term damage from the stroke that prohibits this?
I think your mom going to visit your dad a couple/few times a week is sufficient. Every day is excessive, IMHO. She's probably right - he's fine. He's been there 2 years, in a routine (depending on his condition) and the staff knows him well by now, etc.
I would not bring her home with me. I would figure out what she needs to be safe. In FL. If she can live on her own, go with that. If she needs help, help her figure out how to get it. If she needs assisted living, help her figure out how to sell her house and move.
If your mom needs very short term help in FL, that could be a reasonable thing for you to do. But if you do that, set a FIRM date as to when you will be leaving. That will help motivate her to get things figured out in a timely fashion.
As far as driving back and forth twice a month to check on dad, that's waaay too far of a drive to do that consistently. I know I would dread it.
Good luck!
I would definitely NOT move to FL and leave your husband; he should be your first priority, him and your job. To drive 400 miles every other w/e to check on dad really sounds like a nightmare, though. Your brother saying he has no way to go 30 miles to see his own father is an excuse, if ever I've heard one. I'll bet he would find a way to go 30 miles to see a girlfriend or to get smokes, or whatever else HE felt was a priority. Your mother is acting selfish indeed to expect to be seen daily while in rehab but to feel dad is 'fine' now, w/o anyone visiting him in the NH! Do you think she suffered some brain damage with the stroke which is making her act a bit apathetic towards her husband now? I think that could definitely be a possibility; people don't normally do THIS big of an about-face on such a matter! To go from wanting to visit her hubby every day to being fine not seeing him at all is quite odd.
Are you absolutely POSITIVE there is no SNF in your area that would be good for your dad? Have you checked them out sufficiently to know that for a fact, b/c that would really be THE ideal situation; to have both of your parents in the same area, YOUR area. Or, to leave your mother be in Fl, but get her set up in a senior living apartment; would that be an option?
I'm sorry for so many questions and so little advice, but you have presented a 'black or white' choice here and I feel the answer may lie more in the 'gray' area. What do you think? Can there be a compromise where mom gets to stay in FL and you get to go home to your DH and your job, but maybe visit a bit more often after you get mom set up in a senior apt?