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What does your therapist say? It's been over a year, and surely he/she has some suggestions about whether or not your mom should move in?
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So wow! The jury is in and the answer seems to be unanimous. I am definitely dealing with FOG. For those who suggested counseling, I have been in therapy for over a year because of my mom. It does help but my mom always wears me down. If I could I would go to therapy everyday, lol.
When you are in the situation you just can't see or think clearly. The answer seems so obvious to everyone else. I know you are all right. The best thing to do is just say no. But she is sooooooooooo good at manipulating and guilting everyone around her. FYI: one tough cookie is a reference to my mom, not me. She's the tough cookie and I've had several professionals tell me this on their way out the door. I know what I have to do but I am terrified - and I mean TERRIFIED - to say no to her.
My brother and I have been supporting her from 50 miles away for 8 years now. I am worn out. She makes everything so difficult. Everything is made to seem like an emergency or a huge crisis. She tries to do this so we will say, "oh poor mom. you can't stay here anymore. come live in my house." It's all manipulation. Pure and simple. I know this but what can I do about it. I have tried everything. Ignoring, changing the subject, confronting it head on, yelling, whispering, talking logically and calmly, enlisting helpers, creating lists, giving her aids, calendars, timers. She finds a way to dismiss EVERYTHING and EVERY ASSISTANCE. BECAUSE SHE WANTS HER WAY!!!! And that is to live with me in my home. Has anyone out there dealt with a person this stubborn and insistent? I mean, she is really one tough cookie.
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absolutely not!! If she is this pushy - wait until she is under your roof & then you won't be able to move her out. NO. It is a complete sentence. You don't have to convince her to agree - she won't. She will continue to try to manipulate you. NO. No discussion.
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If you want a divorce, moving your mother in is a great idea.
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I mean "shut"
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Go ahead. Only if you want to be the most miserable person on the planet. Listen to everyone who has chimed in on this. 18 to ZERO for not moving her in with you. Taking care of mom doesn't mean she gets her way all the time. Offer to help her find a lovely senior apartment or assisted living. She is so young, you may have her for another 20 years. Girl, if you need to, nail your door shup.
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You're going to need to live up to your screen name (tough cookie) because you'll need to be saying "that's not possible" often. If you're familiar with the kids' book If You Give A Mouse A Cookie, then you'll understand how this can go with parents who believe their kids owe them. You do one small task, which leads to another, and on and on. Please remind yourself that it is not your responsibility to sacrifice your life and marriage to keep your mom's life from changing.
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NO!! If will help reduce your guilt, you might offer (again) to assist her in moving closer to you. (Or at a central point for you and your sibs) I won't repeat everyone's reasons for saying no. But I will ask how old your Mom is!
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Don't do it. Your husband doesn't want to, which is reason enough, but you already know it won't work. So what's the point? You can't prove it to her, because moving in will work just fine as far as she's concerned. Then it will become YOUR fault (in her eyes) if you don't agree. Might as well bite the bullet now and get your mother into AL or senior housing. She'll adapt. You and your husband will be happy you stood united on this, once things have settled.
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No! It's easier never to begin something than to figure out where to go from here. I can already tell it wouldn't work. You'd be miserable.
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NO! Take it from someone who knows! I did this, moved my FIL into our home after hes wife djed, 13 YEARS AGO! We are only now figuring out how to get on with our own lives, and will be moving him to a Senior Facility in the Spring, right before we sell our home.

Husband and I have been miserable for years, but it's very hard to get out of the situation, once you've gotten yourselves into it. Who knows how long she could live, making your lives miserable!

If only I had found this website BEFORE we moved him in! Look further into Narcissistic parent, the FEAR OBLIGATION AND GUILT!
It's alive and well, living in the front wing of our 1800 sq foot home, and thats way too small a space to be stuck up someone's butt, whom you have come to abhor!

You can move her closer to you, and help her to manage her life, but Please don't give up your own and your husband's!

Listen to all of these very informed posters, and DON'T DO IT!
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No. Don't move her in with you. She will dominate your household and put unbelievable stress on your marriage. Before long, you and your husband won't even be able to leave the house together because she will decide that she is too frail/sick to be left alone.
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Absolutely NO! My mother wanted to come and live with me. I have many horror stories too. I made it clear to her many years ago that I would never take her in. She would have ruined my life. It looks like you are still trying to please her above your other priorities- yourself and your husband. It might not be a bad idea to have a few session of counselling to find out why you are even considering this. She is mentally ill. You are not equipped to look after a mentally ill person on your home As others have said it will work for her - it is you and your husband it will not work for. You will not please or change her no matter what you do. Likely she will complain and thrown it in your face that you did not take her in so she is miserable now in whatever situation she is in. Whatever! Take care of you and let us know how is goes.
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What is going to happen to prove to her that it won't work?

It necessarily has to be something bad, right? Something that makes her so unhappy, or is so catastrophic for you and/or your husband, that it literally cannot go on.

So tell me why you would feel less guilty about having deliberately brought that about.

More comfortingly: your mother's expectations are not reasonable; you cannot just invite yourself permanently into somebody else's home, not even if the home half belongs to one of your children. You and your brother have offered to accommodate her: she rejected your offers. You continue to want to help her. That doesn't mean you have to comply with her every wish. She can believe what she likes, but where does it say you have to agree?
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Some elderly parents throw their own children under the bus in securing their own comfort and "independence". And of course the independence is only achieved by you - and your husband sacrificing your own lives, happiness and often health. Rest assured they don't even give it a second thought either. Hell - I got so I wouldn't even have my mother over for dinner for fear she'd refuse to leave. Trust me - your road ahead with your mom is going to be bumpy enough as it is - don't make it worse by adding potholes and land mines!
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Excuse my crassness..... HELL NO!! Absolutely not! It will backfire on you and you and your husband will be the sorriest 2 people on earth. Take your cues from your own description of her. She'd be the queen in YOUR home. She's only looking out for herself.
Forget about it! You and hubby deserve a good life together.
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Dear NOT so tough cookie,
You seem to be crumbling under the F.O.G.
If you don't know about that, learn before any more wild ideas about living dangerously comes to your mind.
Welcome here, there will be others coming too who can help you, and be a friend.
You count too, what you want and need count too!
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And another "NO" vote from me.
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It'll work just fine for HER. And then how will you get her out of your home?

Short answer? You have a mentally ill mom. Don't do it.
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Dont do it. My mom has lived with us now for 12 years! If she is this insistent and says she will feel unwelcome in an addition, it will definitely not go well and you will feel guilty trying to get her to leave. She needs to move closer if she needs your support, but assisted living or Senior housing where she could make friends seems it would be best for both of you. Driving 50 miles each way should not be expected of you.
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No!!!!!!!!!!!
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No.
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Don't do it.
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Honor your husband's wishes, first and foremost. Secondly, in her generation, old people seldom lived much past 60. Women did not work outside the home. So throw the guilt away. My MIL told me "If I want to come live with you, then I have lost my mind." So true. So do not let her dementia manipulate you. The trial period would be more like a Baptism of Fire. Don't do it.
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NO is a complete sentence. If you move her in, she has rights under law to stay in your home if you later want her out and she doesn't want to go. Your husband doesn't want her in the home. Long term, picking your mother's wants over your husband's will cause strain in your marriage that you may not be able to repair. You already said that you have horror stories. That she is difficult. Why do you think that a "trial run" will be a way to prove it won't work out? If you feel such guilt, I would suggest therapy to deal with Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG) that goes with being the child of a Narcissist. There is nothing but pain, manipulation and possibly a lost marriage going down this road. I feel for you - my husband's desire to care for parents above all else has been the biggest hurdle in my own marriage.
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