Should I give my mom a trial at living with us to prove that it won't work?

golden, wish I could like what you wrote five times. The role playing was so realistic and helpful. One thing I really liked was that it wasn't adversarial. Being adversarial can fuel a fight. The skit you included didn't give any ammunition to be used against the child. Very good.

Normally, I would not say this, but given that you do not have a loving situation, I agree with others who warn you sgainst it. Yes, you may need to take care of her, but in this case, do it from a distance!

I am caring for my mother and gave done for over 10 years. But she has always been a loving person and this hardship was one I was not resistant to taking on.

After my mother passes, I am considering being a dementia care consultant to help others in similar straits. The more I read here, the more I think we all need more help.

NO!!!!!! let me repeat that just in case...NO!!!!
As difficult as she is at a distance she will be more so close.
If she has always been difficult she will only get more so.
She does not want to live in an addition...
She did not want to move in with another of her children....

Who will be the one to say "this trial did not work out" and now you have to find another place.
You KNOW no place you tour will be good enough.
At this point tell her you CAN NOT have her move in as you have family obligations that would make it impossible.
You can offer to help her find someplace near where she is now or closer to where you live. those would be the ONLY 2 options she should be given.
She may be surprised that she might like community living...think of all the other people that she can commiserate with that have been "dumped", "ignored", "abandoned" by their families! They could have a gripe fest every morning over coffee. And if she decides on a place close to you you can visit and she will then be able to brag that at least her family comes to visit....

Onetoughcookie, you're getting some pretty strong responses. Your question must have sparked a strong reaction in many of us. :) It sounds like the only reason you would consider having your mother live with you is to keep her from yelling at you about it. This is the very reason that you shouldn't do it.

Really, if the husband says no, the answer is no. He is more important in his house than your mother is. It is your and his home.

Yes,.
re bullying.
If she is insisting dont give in. Tell her your not discussing subject any more. You will help her find a place closer. No she will never settle on one.
Find a place assisted living offers graduated care good idea. Does she qualify for senior housing put her on list. I suggest you and sibling arrange POA and
surrogate for her now subject
prior to her relocating .
Think how tough cookie will be
later.
Find a place find two be blunt she has her choice one or other. Yes take your visit to once a month that is her third choice to stay where she is.
Stick to your guns.
I would try find a place that eventually will use her medicalfor payments is
assocated with skilled care that way when that decision ready to
Think how tough cookie is going to be later made arrangements now. While shes willing to

Tough Cookie's Daughter you have my sympathy...but...DO NOT MOVE HER INTO YOUR HOME!!! If she is driving you NUTZ now you can not imagine what is to come if you move her in. You have gotten great advice from all the above posters. I agree. Get her on some various waiting lists. See an Elder Care Attorney if you haven't already but she may not cooperate getting documents in order. Depending on her assets or lack thereof an Elder Care Attorney can help you devise a plan or suggest where to start getting things lined up if only in your mind how to procedure when your Mom can not live alone. When the "crisis" start to happen that are of her own making simply, calmly offer her the options. When the whining, demanding, etc, start just simply state that's all you can offer. Hang up or make your exit. I had a difficult Mother myself. Caring for this type of personality is a whole different ballgame. Respect your husband, respect yourself.

NO. Last time Mom moved in to "get well and on her feet" she stayed six years of hell. Trying to be nice again, she stayed another month recently, within days she took over and even though I waited on her hand and foot, giving up my livelihood, marriage, depleting my bank accounts wasn't enough. I got her in senior housing, paid the rent and deposit but still not even a thank you. Don't be manipulated by guilt. I'm the last living child to wear out and given the opportunity Mom would trash my life without a blink. Even considering Mom living with us again is terrifying. Rather than be diminished to a child taking orders and being obedient, think of your self and your family.

This forum is wonderful. Thank you, thank you, thank you to all those who took time to post. Each one of these are so very helpful and meaningful to me. I have returned to read them again and again. The give me strength when I start thinking of giving in. To the person who said, I already know that I shouldn't do it. You are so right!!! I know in my heart that it would be a disaster. My mom is SO insistent. I just need to be STRONG. As STRONG as an oak. Please keep the answers coming. I am getting so empowered by them. Knowing that there are others out there experiencing the same thing is very comforting. Until now I thought my mom was the only elderly person like this. I see by the responses that she is not! I love this forum!!!! I really do love it!

Read up on narcissistic personality disorder.

Keep coming back to AC Forum for support. And stick to your guns. Your hubby didn't have the"advantage" of your mother groomin him from Day One. He entered the scene as an adult, and is able to view her more clearly. He wants what's right for her AND what's right for you and him. Go back to Beckytodd1's 2-cents and lay the groindwork from there. HUGS! You can do this.

"groundwork" -- not groindwork. Dear heavens!

I love all the previous responses. They are right on. My mother had no respect for me or my family. She had a "Grannie Apt", but if she wanted to say something, she would come up in the middle of the night, open the bedroom door, turn on the light, and start talking to me. She helped break up my marriage. I ran away from home.
Finally, I got a lot of therapy and was able to just tell her, NO. The first time it took 3 weeks, so don't get discouraged, just keep trying.
Some thoughts. You have already told her she can't move in. If she is on the phone and even starts to talk about it, just say, "Love you mom, I have to go, bye" and hang up. Don't try to reason with her, don't try to explain, you have already been down that street.
I love the idea on the meds about calling a cab. I would put $25.00 in correct change for mom to call a cab and go to the store. I even wrote on the envelope how much to give the cab driver. She wouldn't use a cab. So, she had to wait for me to come on my weekly visit.
When she would start on something I didn't want to hear, I would just say, "I have to go out for a minute" and leave. One day, she said very sarcastic, "Oh, you DON'T want to HEAR THAT". I said "YEP".
It takes time, keep on keeping on. You didn't get the guilt over night, you won't get over it overnight. Do as you are doing. Read the posts from these wonderful people who know what they are talking about. Don't listen to her. Hang Up. If she calls back, don't answer.
Hugs to you and to your husband.

I HAVE TO AGREE FULL HEARTEDLY WITH THE ABOVE ANGELS WHO HAVE GONE THROUGH HELL - mom was with us for 9 days of hell - our drinking increased by 25% [at least] before I took her to hospital where I quite frankly told them to keep her or I'd have her charged with elder abuse [my dad, my husband & me all over 65] & they could put her on the jail ward - a care nurse advised us about the abused issues ...thanx again that lovely person for such good advice

I also said if we took her home then there would be mom plus my husband & I in hospital in a short time - we turned down 24/7 care to keep our sanity - we must honour our parents but not kowtow to their unreasonable demands or ideas that are out of date - it used to be that nursing homes were for those without loved ones who care but the improvements are such that loved ones are safer there than with family

Mom was much worse than we thought according to the tests [I stood outside while one was administered] - a former artist couldn't draw a clock at 2:40 -

I miss my Mom as the person inhabiting her body is not the same I grew up with however she still has enough mind to carry a conversation for a bit - enjoy the memories of the old 'mom' while you deal with the new inhabitant of her body - sort old photos helps trigger my memories of 'old mom' that helps to keep things in perspective

My mom had a fall that broke C2 vertebrae which gave her concussion & swelling went into her brain - now in wheelchair - this is not of her choice nor any person in family but we can't go back in time to correct mistakes that happened - we just have to deal with our 'hand as it was dealt'

DO NOT TAKE A PARENT INTO YOUR HOME IF YOUR CIRCOMSTANCES WILL NOT SUPPORT IT LONG TERM - if you get backed in corner then never allow then to use your address as theirs even if you need to rent & pay for a mail box so they have a different address which will prevent much of what prior people said because with a different mailing address you can evict them at any time as they are guests not tennants - say that is for them to keep some independence from you but it will really be the opposite - good luck we all feel for you - from those who have been there & done that ....kudooos to all above who said it so well

A big no! I remember one instance where my cousin who lived 3 hr drive from my late mom was pulling a fast one on me by calling by brother 3,000 miles away. Cousin wanted mom to live with me BEFORE EVEN TALKING TO ME ABOUT IT! MOTHER COULD NOT DO MY STEPS SO I WAS PISSED OFF!

No, no, no..... Please don't do it! It took us 2 1/2 years to get my mom out after she moved in for "6 months or so....", and she doesn't even have dementia! The last couple of years were bad, eventually culminating in a HUGE blowup between she and I, with me telling her to "Get Out of Our House"!, and her screwing up her face and raising her fist as she would hit me. At that point, my husband stepped in and broke it up, and we each went to our rooms (corners, as in a boxing ring). The next day she talked to her pastor, and he told her to move back in to the IL apt building she had been in before we got her, and to do it ASAP! I know we came out the bad guys, and she would hardly speak to us for months, but he did us a huge favor, and we are finally over it a couple years and doing much better together. Will NEVER do it again, and hope all these posts will at least help you to avoid what most of us went through....

Get off the cross! We need the wood!

I agree with others. Your marriage should be first. My mom is total opposite of yours and has lived with me for 3 years and still gets to me occasionally with all the extra work she causes me. I'm single but am in long term relationship with a man I used to live with. My job took me away and I won't even consider making it more again until mom has passed. Sometimes just getting away to see him for a weekend takes months of planning!! Mom & I both know there may come a time when she needs more care than I can provide and while we both hope that she passes before that time, until then I will do as much as I can financially and physically can. But sounds like you had difficult childhood so don't feel badly for not turning her away. Get help if necessary. Take care of your family & yourself first!

It hurts like hell - the day you realize your own mother would throw you under the bus to have what they want. I had a ton of mini bus experiences since childhood but it wasn't until a year ago that I really got it. Mom had just been moved to a nursing home and was creating havoc to get me to take her to live at my house or get kicked out - with her coming to live at my house. My adult son functions at a two y/o level. We have a two bedroom house - hubby and mine and my sons. We have a generic basement room with a small bathroom. None of my house is wheelchair friendly. At first mom said Rainman could move to the basement. When I said that was impossible because he needs constant supervision - which she well knew - she said she would live in the basement - in her wheelchair which couldn't fit through the bathroom door much less the bathroom. Rainman can not do stairs - at least not without a lot of time and assistance - he is scared of them. Mom couldnt do stairs because of her physical condition. So my life would have become running up and down - feeding one then the other, diapering one then the other and on and on - the whole time upstairs worrying about her downstairs - major fall risk - when downstairs worrying about him upstairs - Rainman gets into everything! Could I have hired a full time caregiver? Sure - but what happened on snow days when the caregiver couldn't manage our isolate street or our house that sits on a hill at the end of a very steep driveway? Or the caregiver didn't show up or got sick? That happens all the time. No matter how much I tried to get my mom to see reason - she only considered herself and brushed off the reality of the situation. So the moment - when I finally got it? After a lengthy conversation - again - as to why mom couldn't live with me, I got frustrated and said "Don't I deserve a life of my own?" To which mom replied - at 88 years of age - "Don't I?" Never mind she had had a full life. At my age mom had retired early and was traveling the world, taking art classes, lunching and movies with her friends - she lived the life I have never had - for over 30 years! And mom had put her own mother and much older sister into nursing homes! That moment in time - the moment I finally got it - that mom would suck the life out of me in order to live as she pleased - the only way she could be "independent" was at my complete sacrifice of my own life - well, it has been seared into my brain and heart forever. Anyhoo - sorry for the rant and long post - but as the corny saying goes "if I can save even one person..." Stay strong.

Dear Rainmom,

I can't believe your story. I have experience with special needs families and I know how hard you must work with your son. Your mom should have NEVER considered asking to come live with you. That is ridiculous. Thank God you stood strong. And I will definitely heed your words. I know that I would be a slave to my mom and to my house. My husband and I have sacrificed for so long providing our children with private educations. Seriously, we could have bought a yacht with all the tuition we have paid since preschool. But now, when we can breath a little, not have copious amounts of debt added to our already burdensome debt, we have my mom and his that are constantly demanding our time and attentions. It's not so bad with his mom who is AL. She still has doctors appointments and other care needs but at least she is taken care of 24/7 at the AL. It's the "you owe me" attitude that really gets to me. Why? They sacrificed for us, they provided for us? Yep. And we did the same for our children.

What does you sacrificing for your children have to do with your mother? Your mother uses fear, obligation and guilt on you. Do you really think she cares whether or not you made sacrifices for other people?

Guestshopadmin: nailed it. Ohhh yeahhhh. I'm still on the road you are approaching. I suggest you not even touch your toe on it. Look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder(NPD). Do you have a rock solid, he's got my back no matter what marriage? I do. Mom almost wrecked that. We had 2 arguments in 16 years. Mom had us at each other's throats every night until we caught on. She was making us her entertainment. Are you prepared for the fast heart beat, anxiety, panic attacks, and the massive ER bills, cardiology bills, general practitioner bills for yourselves? As well as the cost of the tranquilizers for not her, but both of you? Are you both ready to be so exhausted that you fall asleep while driving? While at work? Are you prepared for "Your wife said.....Your husband said.....backstabbing? Are you ready for never doing anything right? Are you ready for her constant NPD game of you're stupid and nothing you do is ever good enough?" Then after she's bored with it she'll start her head games on your husband and child. Hence, you want to "prove" it to her. To show her she's wrong. Honey, a narcissist is "never" wrong. You are a grown woman. You have a child in college. That child is only ONE of your successes. You have nothing to PROVE to her. This is a game of hers to make her feel superior to you. Been there, doing it all right now. Read Toxic Parents before you even think about walking into emotional, physical, financial, and marital ruin. Think of your child. If you have a solid marriage and love your husband, think of him. Think of all the ramifications I've listed. Will you and he have a nice retirement? No. Because she will destroy you both before it can happen. You have nothing to prove to anyone except yourself and that is to stand up and say no before she destroys you. Thanklessjob says it well. HELL NO!!!!

There is a great book called "the 36 hour day". I strongly recommend this read for all elder-care providers.

I have that book. I started reading. The more I read, the more stress I felt. I didn't want to work that hard!! I finally put the book down and never picked it up again.

"8 Days a Week" by the Beatles...

Try to get her to move close by instead. Then you can avoid the constant interaction.