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I would need pages and pages to describe the nature of my mum. She is the most difficult person to deal with. Extremely negative, manipulative, and stubborn. Since dad died 5 years ago, I have been supporting her in her home 50 miles away. She has made it clear that she believes that her children should take her in. They owe it to her. I work full time and so does my husband. We still have on child in college. At least a decade ago, I pleaded with my parents to move closer to me. We offered an addition (paid for by them) to our home. My sibling offered his home as well. mom would not do it. She said it would make her feel "unwelcome" to be made to live in an "addition", she just wants to move into our home. Anyway, I have enough horror stories to fill a book. Suffice it to say, my husband does not under any circumstance want my mother in our home. I feel the same way but feel like I would feel less guilt if I offered a trial to prove to her that it just won't work out. What do you all think?

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NO is a complete sentence. If you move her in, she has rights under law to stay in your home if you later want her out and she doesn't want to go. Your husband doesn't want her in the home. Long term, picking your mother's wants over your husband's will cause strain in your marriage that you may not be able to repair. You already said that you have horror stories. That she is difficult. Why do you think that a "trial run" will be a way to prove it won't work out? If you feel such guilt, I would suggest therapy to deal with Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG) that goes with being the child of a Narcissist. There is nothing but pain, manipulation and possibly a lost marriage going down this road. I feel for you - my husband's desire to care for parents above all else has been the biggest hurdle in my own marriage.
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Some elderly parents throw their own children under the bus in securing their own comfort and "independence". And of course the independence is only achieved by you - and your husband sacrificing your own lives, happiness and often health. Rest assured they don't even give it a second thought either. Hell - I got so I wouldn't even have my mother over for dinner for fear she'd refuse to leave. Trust me - your road ahead with your mom is going to be bumpy enough as it is - don't make it worse by adding potholes and land mines!
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No. Don't move her in with you. She will dominate your household and put unbelievable stress on your marriage. Before long, you and your husband won't even be able to leave the house together because she will decide that she is too frail/sick to be left alone.
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It hurts like hell - the day you realize your own mother would throw you under the bus to have what they want. I had a ton of mini bus experiences since childhood but it wasn't until a year ago that I really got it. Mom had just been moved to a nursing home and was creating havoc to get me to take her to live at my house or get kicked out - with her coming to live at my house. My adult son functions at a two y/o level. We have a two bedroom house - hubby and mine and my sons. We have a generic basement room with a small bathroom. None of my house is wheelchair friendly. At first mom said Rainman could move to the basement. When I said that was impossible because he needs constant supervision - which she well knew - she said she would live in the basement - in her wheelchair which couldn't fit through the bathroom door much less the bathroom. Rainman can not do stairs - at least not without a lot of time and assistance - he is scared of them. Mom couldnt do stairs because of her physical condition. So my life would have become running up and down - feeding one then the other, diapering one then the other and on and on - the whole time upstairs worrying about her downstairs - major fall risk - when downstairs worrying about him upstairs - Rainman gets into everything! Could I have hired a full time caregiver? Sure - but what happened on snow days when the caregiver couldn't manage our isolate street or our house that sits on a hill at the end of a very steep driveway? Or the caregiver didn't show up or got sick? That happens all the time. No matter how much I tried to get my mom to see reason - she only considered herself and brushed off the reality of the situation. So the moment - when I finally got it? After a lengthy conversation - again - as to why mom couldn't live with me, I got frustrated and said "Don't I deserve a life of my own?" To which mom replied - at 88 years of age - "Don't I?" Never mind she had had a full life. At my age mom had retired early and was traveling the world, taking art classes, lunching and movies with her friends - she lived the life I have never had - for over 30 years! And mom had put her own mother and much older sister into nursing homes! That moment in time - the moment I finally got it - that mom would suck the life out of me in order to live as she pleased - the only way she could be "independent" was at my complete sacrifice of my own life - well, it has been seared into my brain and heart forever. Anyhoo - sorry for the rant and long post - but as the corny saying goes "if I can save even one person..." Stay strong.
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NO! Take it from someone who knows! I did this, moved my FIL into our home after hes wife djed, 13 YEARS AGO! We are only now figuring out how to get on with our own lives, and will be moving him to a Senior Facility in the Spring, right before we sell our home.

Husband and I have been miserable for years, but it's very hard to get out of the situation, once you've gotten yourselves into it. Who knows how long she could live, making your lives miserable!

If only I had found this website BEFORE we moved him in! Look further into Narcissistic parent, the FEAR OBLIGATION AND GUILT!
It's alive and well, living in the front wing of our 1800 sq foot home, and thats way too small a space to be stuck up someone's butt, whom you have come to abhor!

You can move her closer to you, and help her to manage her life, but Please don't give up your own and your husband's!

Listen to all of these very informed posters, and DON'T DO IT!
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NO. Last time Mom moved in to "get well and on her feet" she stayed six years of hell. Trying to be nice again, she stayed another month recently, within days she took over and even though I waited on her hand and foot, giving up my livelihood, marriage, depleting my bank accounts wasn't enough. I got her in senior housing, paid the rent and deposit but still not even a thank you. Don't be manipulated by guilt. I'm the last living child to wear out and given the opportunity Mom would trash my life without a blink. Even considering Mom living with us again is terrifying. Rather than be diminished to a child taking orders and being obedient, think of your self and your family.
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Absolutely NO! My mother wanted to come and live with me. I have many horror stories too. I made it clear to her many years ago that I would never take her in. She would have ruined my life. It looks like you are still trying to please her above your other priorities- yourself and your husband. It might not be a bad idea to have a few session of counselling to find out why you are even considering this. She is mentally ill. You are not equipped to look after a mentally ill person on your home As others have said it will work for her - it is you and your husband it will not work for. You will not please or change her no matter what you do. Likely she will complain and thrown it in your face that you did not take her in so she is miserable now in whatever situation she is in. Whatever! Take care of you and let us know how is goes.
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Cookie - if ever there was a Master Manipulator it was my mother. Mom passed away about two weeks ago and I can still say that without guilt or feeling bad because it's the straight, honest truth. I had a life time of it. I have two older brothers - one has had next to no contact with her for years and the other was her golden child so he made excuses for her. I didn't really get it for a loooong time - I knew she was stubborn and sometimes cold but I didn't see the depth of the manipulations until six years ago when both my parents had a health crisis at the same time, had to sell their house of 50 years and move into IL. We were able to hire a full time caregiver for my dad - mom recovered and went back to her life - with me doing all the details dad use to do - which was almost everything. Daddy passed after two years, mom began to show signs of dementia, I became official DPOA and life as I knew it was offically over. I could go on and on about all the crap I had to deal with but I'll cut to my point - no matter what my mom pulled I was able to stand firm on one point - mom was NEVER, EVER, moving in with me, hubby and my adult disabled son, NEVER. If I hadn't have had my own home - my sanctuary to retreat into I would have lost my mind - and probably my family. The ringing telephone was intrusion enough - but I could choose to just not pick up. When they are in your home 24/7 you don't have the choice not to "pick up". I don't know what to say to you to make you realize it's okay to save yourself - and your own family. But you just have to do it - if you took her in and then something awful happened to you - God forbid - but is that how you will have wanted to spend your last bit of time on this earth - or do you and your husband - your children, deserve better?
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Guestshopadmin: nailed it. Ohhh yeahhhh. I'm still on the road you are approaching. I suggest you not even touch your toe on it. Look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder(NPD). Do you have a rock solid, he's got my back no matter what marriage? I do. Mom almost wrecked that. We had 2 arguments in 16 years. Mom had us at each other's throats every night until we caught on. She was making us her entertainment. Are you prepared for the fast heart beat, anxiety, panic attacks, and the massive ER bills, cardiology bills, general practitioner bills for yourselves? As well as the cost of the tranquilizers for not her, but both of you? Are you both ready to be so exhausted that you fall asleep while driving? While at work? Are you prepared for "Your wife said.....Your husband said.....backstabbing? Are you ready for never doing anything right? Are you ready for her constant NPD game of you're stupid and nothing you do is ever good enough?" Then after she's bored with it she'll start her head games on your husband and child. Hence, you want to "prove" it to her. To show her she's wrong. Honey, a narcissist is "never" wrong. You are a grown woman. You have a child in college. That child is only ONE of your successes. You have nothing to PROVE to her. This is a game of hers to make her feel superior to you. Been there, doing it all right now. Read Toxic Parents before you even think about walking into emotional, physical, financial, and marital ruin. Think of your child. If you have a solid marriage and love your husband, think of him. Think of all the ramifications I've listed. Will you and he have a nice retirement? No. Because she will destroy you both before it can happen. You have nothing to prove to anyone except yourself and that is to stand up and say no before she destroys you. Thanklessjob says it well. HELL NO!!!!
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Honor your husband's wishes, first and foremost. Secondly, in her generation, old people seldom lived much past 60. Women did not work outside the home. So throw the guilt away. My MIL told me "If I want to come live with you, then I have lost my mind." So true. So do not let her dementia manipulate you. The trial period would be more like a Baptism of Fire. Don't do it.
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