How to treat someone in the early stages of dementia with respect?

potpot, my husband, also 74, was diagnosed with vascular dementia, about a year after his stroke. He too was a heart patient with several surgeries, also a diabetic. The first thing I would suggest have the cardiologist recommend a neurologist, who will determine the extent of your husbands illness. First, do take the car keys away from him, have a Doctor, all Doctors, tell him he cannot drive. Dementia is a strange creature, my husband could talk politics, Bridge strageries and whatnots, but ask him who he was, who I was and what year it was and he was lost. He would look at a pair of socks and suddenly not remember what to do with them. It is such a roller coaster ride - and you are right there riding with him, never knowing what comes next. A neurologist is the first step - if he decides your husband is incompetent, then you are able to take some legal steps. But I leave this to others, who had experience with it. I always did our financial matters, and my husband always trusted my judgement and was also a very good patient. He had his first heart surgery in 1979, taking care of him had been part of our life for over 30 years. This is a terrible disease that takes your loved one day by day a little bit at a time. I hope things will get better for you. Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing, if only to vent. Take care, and do take the car keys away- otherwise you both end up getting hurt or killed maybe others too.

I have been looking for people with husbands with dementia, My husband is 74 and I am having the problems you all write about. His driving is bad he fights with people or races to get behind them. He is very short tempered even in the store. I do most thing around the house but it is getting hard because I have health problems. His mother is in the nursing home with this and we went threw the same things with her. she is 96. and she tried to build a wood fire in the oil stove. I can't go threw this again. Husband is very strong willed and never had a temper it scares me. He was a gun nut and had a lot of respect for them. He never did anything and doesn't even bother with them any more. I asked the DR. last yr. about him but nothing was done and now the DR. is leaving. How do you get this across to the Dr. And people don't beleave you because he is different around them ,but never see's them much. Some days I think may be I am wrong but then it starts all over again. He thinks of himself a lot, I need surgery in my back but now the foot DR. said surgery for him and he wont wait. He did go threw a lot of surgery's with his heart and I am afraid if he has this he will get worst. This all started after his open heart surgery but all DR's say he is doing great, he will pull the wool over their eyes. He wont set up or take care of any personal problems DR.s, Bank, Ordering anything,even calling his daughter. He does not like any of my family he gets mad when they call me. This is so hard I wish I new what to do? Thank You all for letting me vent!!!

To scared:
my husband is 72 and his neuroligist told him he cant drive anymore because of the dementia...he put to him in the terms of money and jail.....
If he drives..has accident...kills someone...it is vehicular homicide (thus.jailtime)
if he badly injures someone...he could be sued for everything he has.
Seems that got thrum to him...he hates that I (the person he always thought incompent in many ways) is now in control of not only the driving but most other facits of his life too (he has always claimed control)
Actually a year ago he was driving...then because of the medicines he was feeling so much better..that he decided he didn't need the seizure Meds and stopped them...thus he had another seizure...which claimed more of his brain function...so he again was the cause of even more devistation for everyone.......
I Said there is a fine line between tough and stupid and he has now crossed to the stupid side because of his own doing

I forgot to mention that things did get somewhat better with my husband when he was put on Seroquel (an anti-psychotic medication). I was resistant to putting him on this medication but now realize that it has really improved the quality of his life and therefore mine as well. He is now flies into irrational rages less, although they still occur.

To bettylu2:
can so relate...my husband has been diagnosed with vascular dementia....we moved in with our daughter...during the moving...he packed stuff oddly.with no rational of why or where..got angry when anyone questioned it. Daughter and I have to watch his actions always ....he does things we have speifcally asked him to not do...then gets mad when we ask why and attempt correct him...he then claims he is being "elder abused"
God help all the caregivers.....

Amen to bettylu and trustpact. My husband in 78, and it is very, very difficult to explain to him that he can't do certain things...like drive. He thinks he's fine behind the wheel. He can't reason/understand or whatever it is that his reflexes and judgment are just not what they were. We live in an area where the majority of people are at least 60 years old...many, many are much older. There are always a lot of accidents here involving these older people because of poor eye sight, lack of sound judgment, impaired reflexes, etc. Yet there are some 90+/- yr olds that are better drivers than the 40 and 50 yr olds because they follow the rules. I wish someone had an easy answer, but I don't believe there is one. We can only do our best despite what our spouses might think because we are doing it for them...their safety, their comfort...even if they don't believe it.

My husband's dementia isn't in the early stages and is complicated by Parkinsonism which makes it dangerous for him to walk unless he has someone with him since he is at high risk for falling. He therefore cannot be left unattended for even a short period of time, although he thinks he doesn't need this level of care and accuses me of "micromanaging" him. Since he has a very poor short term memory, he often can't remember things that happened only a few minutes before, making it very difficult for him to learn new skills or remember the sequence of steps necessary to complete many self care activities. He also doesn't remember to look at notes that remind him of what he needs to do. My husband is also a highly intelligent, well educated person who acknowledge that his memory isn't so good and that he has some difficulty walking but doesn't think these things are that serious, such that he can be left alone without the need for a caregiver. He is related to person and place but not to time and can still discuss many subjects so intelligently that people often don't realize he has dementia initially. This is very frustrating for me and the caregivers at the adult day care program he attends a few times a week so that I can work part-time since he doesn't resents being told what to do and constantly puts himself at risk but getting up and walking by himself when he think no-one is looking. He has fallen often but doesn't tend to remember the falls later and therefore doesn't think that it is necessary for him to ask for assistance when he wants to walk somewhere. He lost 20 pounds before I began to take over his care full time because he used to forget to eat and never remembered to bathe, shave or put on clean clothes. My husband is constantly really angry with me for providing the care that he doesn't believe he needs and sometimes flies into a rage where he gets verbally and sometimes even physically aggressive. I am not able to offer any suggestions because I haven't figured out the answer to this other than to do what I can to take care of myself. In addition to the adult day care program, I send my husband to a very nice (very expensive) "Memory Care" assisted living facility nearby for long weekends once in a while to give myself respite from the stress of his care. I also see a psychiatrist once a month and attend a Well Spouse support group. Venting on this site is helpful as well. Without doing these things that focus on my own needs, I know that I would not be able to care for my husband at home.

Right there with you on this one...my husband is the same. We have an ongoing struggle with a hot and cold issue...he is hot..turns the ac colder...he is cold...he turns heat on. I have a paper over the thermostats control saying to not touch it.....he just pushes it aside and changes it to his whim anyway..then says "I was hot or cold"
I agree it seems like dealing with a child....however one can usually reason with a child...so this is much more challenging because some part of their psych has them believing they are still the capable person of " BD" before dementia.
He thinks he can do the sames things he used to/he tries but gets frustrated when it doesent go right....gets annoyed if I attempt to coach him (as he has always thought and acted like he knew better than me. This dementia is an ugly disease for everyone near to Cope with. Rational seems out the door at times....

OMG. If I didn't know better, I would have thought I wrote this question. I am in the same stage with my husband. He just turned 66 and back in 09 he was diagnosed with Mild Cognitive Impairment(MIC). His neurologist has not changed the name of what he has, but it definitely is progressing. He is getting our motorhome ready to head home and I have to watch him like a hawk. He wants to put bleach in where it shouldn't go, he wants to turn switches he shouldn't touch. It's like I have to be there 24/7. And yet, he can function very well at things he enjoys, like working on wood. Is your husband on any meds? Mine is on the Excelon patch and Namenda and it doesn't seem to be helping. Is your husband driving yet? I'm planning on doing the driving home as I'm concerned with his judgement now. It's funny how they can forget and mess something up but know enought to fib to cover thier mistakes. You are the first person who is dealing with a spouse close to the age of my spouse and is in the same stages. I hope we can keep in touch for support.

I could answers to the same questions/issues. I am never right according to my husband, and I'm trying to take everything away from him that he enjoys. According to him, he just forgets things once in a while, and I'm not perfect and I don't know everything. I do know when he hasn't taken his meds, showered, shaved, changed clothes, eaten...but not according to him. I can't reason with him because he has lost all powers of reasoning. He tells me to write notes so he "remembers" what to do. I have done that over and over and over. He still doesn't do what he should. He says he didn't see the notes. I put them in 2 or 3 places where he normally sits/sleeps. So now what? Means I have to be here 24/7 to be sure he gets what he needs and does what he should, but I'm treating him like a child. Very frustrating.

You sound like you are doing an excellent job. Dementia doesn't set in overnight, so people in the early stages are nearly as capable as they were before. What works for me with my mother is I let her do things by herself. Occasionally I peek at her to make sure all is well, then let her do what she is doing. She is actually more capable than I imagine her to be most of the time. One part of me wants to do everything for her. I have to keep that part of me in check. I know I wouldn't want people doing that for me.

If you see your husband is getting frustrated with a job, maybe a hint is in order. He might resent the hint, but it seems better than frustration. When it comes to housework, maybe he can do the things that don't have many steps.