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long story short, we have been watching our dads decline and wanted to bring him home with hired 24/7 care months ago, but his gf refusesd and said she loves him and wants them to be together. At that point, he still had some good days. Fast forward a year later and she has called us and asked us to come get him because she can’t handle it anymore, which is not surprising. We asked for a few weeks to make arrangements for care and she set the transfer date. Before the actual transfer date, she called and said it can’t wait we have to come get him now. Our care providers won’t start for another week so we are dealing with this on our own at this point. The 24/7 care will begin in a few days
When we picked him up he was in really bad shape, completely confused, not sure where he was or why. When we got him home, although he was happy to be home, he immediately started insisting to go back to her place and then to call her. All night long this goes on. I know that he will forget her within a week ir two (maybe sooner) and prefer not to let them communicate because it starts the whole cycle up again. We have so far been able to use distractions and other techniques to temper the agitation.
She called today and is now insisting I get a landline so she can call him whenever she wants and that she wants to come visit twice a week. My siblings want to cut her off completely but of course, I am the one that has to deal with her. Any thoughts/advice?. My inkling is that until his transition back home becomes stabilized, he should not have contact with her so he can get to know his care providers and get used to being at my home. Any thoughts on how to handle this? She also has dementia, though in an earlier stage.
any help would be most appreciated. Mahalo!

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You have a good heart. GF couldn't handle the problem, thought she could but realized she couldn't take care of herself. I would be concerned if his medications have been messed up, unintentionally due to her dementia. Is your home the best place or MC as to prevent wandering? Yes, it's advisable to have an adjustment period for him and a Dr appointment to check his medications are good. Could be too much or not enough? This thing about getting a landline isn't going to help, dementia and phones/ Internet is too difficult to manage. GF needs adjustment period,too. She misses him but not the caregiving part. I hope she has a family to call for help? Give it a couple of weeks for both, get Dad settled in and let her know when you are ready to move forward with her requests. Maybe her meds are messed up too? You're very kind to realize that she loves him but couldn't be there for him in the way of the care he needs. Bless their poor broken minds and your enormous heart.
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Reply to JuliaH
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She can insist all she wants. You now are in control. Dad can no longer make inform decisions. Tell her no, for now you are not going throught the trouble and cost of a landline.

"My inkling is that until his transition back home becomes  stabilized, he should not have contact with her so he can get to know his care providers and get used to being at my home."

That is a very good idea. They do this in ALs and LTC. Ask family to give the resident time to adjust. Tell her he and you need time to get used to the new norm so for now no calls or visits. Let her know that Dad is now in your home, she does not call the shots. You will determine when she gets to talk to him and when she can visit and for how long. Please, be firm on the my house thing. You now have total control. And TG siblings that just want to go no contact.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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You cannot let those with dementia make the decisions as they’ve both sadly lost the ability to make sound judgements and rational choices. This applies to them both. Do what you think will bring dad the most peace, without apology and with the least discussion possible. Be aware of dad possibly wandering away at any hour to find her. I’d also ask his doctor about medication to help calm his agitation, it might be a kindness to him
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Definite No On the landline . She still wants to call the shots . Allow a visit Once a Month . She didn't want to care for him and has Put you in a rough spot . Maintain your Boundaries and don't get sucked in .
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Reply to KNance72
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SKaauwai Sep 21, 2025
Thank you! All the responses has helped make me feel that being strict about this is going to have to be the way to go. I can’t help both of them, and I am truly sorry that she is unable to understand the severity of his disease right now because she is on her way as well. I am grateful that she finally allowed us to take him home for care.

now to put in my big girl parties and call her back and get yelled at and guilted and whatever else she throws at me. But I.l can do it with the support of my loving family and friends -and the kind people in this forum. I have learned so much just by reading the Q and A, it’s been a godsend, so thank you for reaching out and taking the time out of your day to answer questions! Truly appreciated!
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What is your goal and plan, regarding the girlfriend? Do you want them to have freedom to call each other and for her to visit him twice a week, as she wants, or do you want to end their relationship because it is upsetting to him? Will he be continually trying to leave your home to get back to her? Will they both, with their levels of dementia, accept a reasonable schedule of contact, or will this be chaos for you and your household?

It might be preferable to place him in a nearby memory care facility, which can maintain some limits, and has security in place if he tries to leave to go back to her. If 24/7 paid caregivers are affordable, then memory care should be too.
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Reply to MG8522
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SKaauwai Sep 21, 2025
Thank you so much! I appreciate the answers I’ve been given and it helps me to make decisions on how to best move forward.

my goal is simply to help him have more good days then bad, and make sure he is safe and comfortable. I’m not kidding myself about the state of both of their lives. I know there are no good options, only the best of the bad options! I’m in touch with the her family and begging them to communicate with her the need for space right now until we can get him to a comfortable space.

We may well end up having to put him in a facility but want to try to keep him home as long as possible. We have a crack care team in place that also works with hospice so we are grateful that my father saved money and that we were able to find what I hope to be loving experienced caregivers for my dad. He deserves it, we all do.

its a shitshow no matter what way you look at it! :(. But seeing him laugh and smile yesterday made me feel a small amount of joy that eludes me most of the time.
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