long story short, we have been watching our dads decline and wanted to bring him home with hired 24/7 care months ago, but his gf refusesd and said she loves him and wants them to be together. At that point, he still had some good days. Fast forward a year later and she has called us and asked us to come get him because she can’t handle it anymore, which is not surprising. We asked for a few weeks to make arrangements for care and she set the transfer date. Before the actual transfer date, she called and said it can’t wait we have to come get him now. Our care providers won’t start for another week so we are dealing with this on our own at this point. The 24/7 care will begin in a few days
When we picked him up he was in really bad shape, completely confused, not sure where he was or why. When we got him home, although he was happy to be home, he immediately started insisting to go back to her place and then to call her. All night long this goes on. I know that he will forget her within a week ir two (maybe sooner) and prefer not to let them communicate because it starts the whole cycle up again. We have so far been able to use distractions and other techniques to temper the agitation.
She called today and is now insisting I get a landline so she can call him whenever she wants and that she wants to come visit twice a week. My siblings want to cut her off completely but of course, I am the one that has to deal with her. Any thoughts/advice?. My inkling is that until his transition back home becomes stabilized, he should not have contact with her so he can get to know his care providers and get used to being at my home. Any thoughts on how to handle this? She also has dementia, though in an earlier stage.
any help would be most appreciated. Mahalo!
"My inkling is that until his transition back home becomes stabilized, he should not have contact with her so he can get to know his care providers and get used to being at my home."
That is a very good idea. They do this in ALs and LTC. Ask family to give the resident time to adjust. Tell her he and you need time to get used to the new norm so for now no calls or visits. Let her know that Dad is now in your home, she does not call the shots. You will determine when she gets to talk to him and when she can visit and for how long. Please, be firm on the my house thing. You now have total control. And TG siblings that just want to go no contact.
now to put in my big girl parties and call her back and get yelled at and guilted and whatever else she throws at me. But I.l can do it with the support of my loving family and friends -and the kind people in this forum. I have learned so much just by reading the Q and A, it’s been a godsend, so thank you for reaching out and taking the time out of your day to answer questions! Truly appreciated!
It might be preferable to place him in a nearby memory care facility, which can maintain some limits, and has security in place if he tries to leave to go back to her. If 24/7 paid caregivers are affordable, then memory care should be too.
my goal is simply to help him have more good days then bad, and make sure he is safe and comfortable. I’m not kidding myself about the state of both of their lives. I know there are no good options, only the best of the bad options! I’m in touch with the her family and begging them to communicate with her the need for space right now until we can get him to a comfortable space.
We may well end up having to put him in a facility but want to try to keep him home as long as possible. We have a crack care team in place that also works with hospice so we are grateful that my father saved money and that we were able to find what I hope to be loving experienced caregivers for my dad. He deserves it, we all do.
its a shitshow no matter what way you look at it! :(. But seeing him laugh and smile yesterday made me feel a small amount of joy that eludes me most of the time.