Hello, 2 months ago I moved my mom in to live with me and my partner. She moved back from Lebanon. Things are not working and I recently asked her to move out. Since the day she came back she has been mean, rude and very disrespectful. I have a cat who has asthma and a heart condition, he is on a special diet. I asked my mom to not feed him because he easily gets sick. I found treats and cat food that she bought and hid from me. I knew she was giving him food because he had started to throw up every day and it was concerning. That was the last straw. She is constantly criticizing me, constantly yelling for no reason. She is a compulsive liar and sits on the phone with her friends telling them how a terrible child I am for not buying her a car or house. I’m a terrible person to all of her friends because she sits there and tells lies all day. She says that she’s sick but her doctor gave her a clean bill of health. She’s called me a b**ch and many other names that a mother should not be calling her daughter. She is broke and blames me for her not having money. I got her out of $8,000 debt. I paid off all of her bills. She spends her money on things she doesn’t need and expects me to help her out with her financing. I guess my question is, should I feel bad for telling her to leave? She is mentally killing me and I just can’t take this abuse anymore. I know she is 77 years old and her Social Security is only $900 a month but I just can’t do it anymore. I want my peace back.

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Marli this is going to sound harsh but if it weren't so important I wouldn't say it.

You say "I didn't create [this], I was used."

Your mother could not MAKE you do anything. She could not have forced you to help her go to Lebanon. She could not have forced you to get her on a plane back. She could not have forced you to allow her to stay in your house.

YOU made all of these decisions. Stop blaming your mother for things YOU agreed to. She could not "use" you without your active co-operation.

The reason this is so important is that as long as you think of yourself as being her helpless tool - until the point at which you snap and treat her with real harshness - you will be utterly unable to come up with practical, logical plans.

YOU are in charge of what happens. This is not the same as our agreeing "wicked mother, show her the door." This is about you taking control of a difficult situation and doing what you can to make sure that everyone survives it.

Now. Help me to understand.

Your mother is or is not Lebanese by birth? Is she a US citizen? Is English her first language?
How old is she?
Where was she living during those five years that she was saying she wanted to go to Lebanon?
Is she widowed, divorced? How long has she been on her own?
When did she go to Lebanon, and how long did she stay there?
Does she have other family there or in the States?

I'm sorry to interrogate you like this, but once we understand your mother's situation better we can make better suggestions about what might work. She may have a clean medical bill of health, but she clearly is not okay. She has problems. You're not going to be able to turn her out onto the streets, no matter how badly you feel about her now; if you were that kind of person you wouldn't have been following her orders so obediently all along. So - what are her issues, and where do we go next?
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In many parts of the country, the waitlist for income based housing is YEARS long. In my county alone, it takes years just to get on the waitlist.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 2019
That’s true. My brother had to wait awhile after his motorcycle accident to get into low income housing.

Cali, wanted to private message you and there is no spot for me to do that. Not sure why?

Wonder if you private messaged me if I could respond to you.
She can live on 900 a month. There is Senior housing that requires 30% of your income, that leaves her with $600 a month. She can get food stamps. Electric should not cost much, Cable she can get basic for about $25/30. So that would leave her about $500 a month. I assume she has Medicare. She could apply for Medicaid for health insurance. There are resources she can get, like transportation, when on Medicaid. Office of Aging usually has buses. They have other resources too.

Get her all set up and then tell her you will not pay any bills she chalks up. She needs to live on what she has coming in. How did she live in Lebanon?
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You should never feel bad for sticking up for yourself nor should you feel bad for wanting respect.

I am not sure if your mom is showing sighs of dementia or she is just simply a NPD! Whatever the case is you have the right to feel safe and comfortable in your home.

As someone stated find mom an appartment that is income base, trust me if I could do it with my mother I would and she doesn't even call me names; however, in the beginning she was telling family members that I was poisoning her. LOL.

Don't feel quilty about telling your mom she has to move out. Everyone in the home brings something to the table either its something positive or negative.

You have the right to have peace in your life.
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Moved *back* from Lebanon... How long had your mother been living outside the US? Is she herself Lebanese? What were the main reasons for inviting her to come and live with you?

You shouldn't feel bad for wanting your life back, you shouldn't feel bad for finding your mother's behaviour and attitudes unacceptable, and you shouldn't feel bad for believing that - as a healthy person - she will do better living independently and should stand on her own two feet.

But what you can't do is suggest a solution to someone, encourage her to follow it, then unilaterally decide it isn't working and dump her flat. So - you want your mother to move out... to where?
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anonymous901624 May 2019
Countrymouse, thank you for responding. Any response I get i try to use. However, it was not me who suggested that she come live with me as a solution and then kicked her out. On the contrary, I helped her go to Lebanon because she had been asking to go for over 5 years. Saying it was a better place than anywhere else, and she also had some business she wanted to handle. Then, after going, she started calling me and begging me to come home. Crying and saying she needed medical help. I felt so convicted, she seemed desperate, so I bought her a ticket home, telling her it was on the condition I couldn’t afford her to get her own place. So I told her the situation. Then, fast forward to her getting off the plane. She had no physical affliction. I even had made a doctors appt for her, where she was given a clean bill of health. So, I guess my point is, I know it seems like a good question, did I create this? No, I didn’t create a solution and bail. I was used.
I am so sorry that you are hurting. Hugs! It is so hard sharing a home even if your mom was easy going. There isn’t any reason for you to feel guilty. You explained very well as to why this situation isn’t working out. Perhaps help her to find new living quarters. If that becomes too stressful then don’t feel obligated to do so. Refer her to your local organizations that specialize in caring for seniors. Let them take over. Take care and hugs.
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Help her find a senior apartment that charges based on income, give her a 30 day bus pass and move on.

She doesn't get to ruin your life, period. It is not part and parcel of being a parent regardless of what they think.

You can rest easy knowing that you gave it your best shot and it didn't work. She can't think less of you so save yourself and get her moved.

Oh yeah, no more financial bailout, that's not helping her and it is a recipe for resentment.
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