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Mom has lived with me for almost two years. When I picture moving mom out of my house I feel guilty but I know this change needs to take place. Mom will be upset but I'm hopeful she will settle in and make some friends her own age! Currently she watches TV all day long and can barely move around.......her doing......and what she wants! I broke down and cried....hard.....today.....it's just so emotional for me........that and the fact that my family is so dysfunctional.....my mom has cut one of my siblings out of her life....haven't spoken to each other in almost two years! I need peace in my life and no longer want to be in the middle of anything because I can no longer try to create happiness for my mom or my dysfunctional family.....I'm done! It's time to focus on me, my husband and teenage kids.......sigh.....this sucks! Feeling guilty! Anyone else go through this?

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If you're touring the ALF to see if you like it, one good way to get rid of as much "guilt-risk" is to look at it critically and carefully, and don't be afraid to ask a lot of questions. That way you can nip a lot of potential problems in the bud.

And if you see something that you decide is, after all, unacceptable - then keep looking. Managers change; what suits one person won't suit another; word of mouth is the best referral but it's not 100%; and if this one isn't right then another one will be. Keep thinking of your mother in this place, and whether you'd be happy with how she's being looked after.

And fingers crossed, you'll come away feeling a good deal more confident! And more sure of yourself when you discuss it with your mother, because you really will have done your homework on this. Best of luck, I'm sure you're making the right plans x
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I work with seniors and have been in the social service field for 25 years. I would suggest you have a third party help you both through the process. It is good you recognize the fact that having your mom living with you is not working. That is healthy. What is not healthy is keeping your mom with you out of guilt. You will need help through this just as your mom needs help with the transition.
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You can only do your best and seems like you have. Guilt is too heavy a load to carry. Let go of it. Time to let your head take over for a while. What is best in the big picture? I know Moms that are never happy so that is a useless quest. My father used to tell me "you make your bed and then you have to lie in it." Seems like so many of these older women never thought ahead to what kind of "bed" they were making. So you think ahead.
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I know it is the hardest choice to make but there's nothing to feel guilty about. I faced this situation an year ago while moving my father to Luvida memory care in Texas but now I'm happy to see him well settled and enjoying his time with new friends there.
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Thanks JessieBelle and Jinx4740! That's what I'm hoping for! This AL was recommended to me by a friend who is a physician's assistant. Also, there is an (up to) three month waiting list to get in. My neighbor's father lived there and he liked it. All good signs! My husband told me a long time ago that my mom will never change.....I had hoped she would change...even just a bit....but sadly she is stuck in her ways. The problem is these "ways" are making her dementia progress.....so.....hoping the socialization, having to eat in the dining room, etc. will help in some way, shape, or form. Mom's Miss Social Butterfly at her doctor appointments so she might surprise me. It's sad, she has alienated herself from family and friends....and she doesn't seem to mind.....as long as she has her TV! I'm looking forward to being able to come and go as I please without having to worry about mom, dispensing medications four times a day, making meals for someone who says she doesn't care if she sits in a chair all day and rarely requests a shower (I always have to tell her). I'll visit her often and feel good knowing she's being taken care of. I spoke with a lady from the AL and she said usually when it's a non-family member telling mom what she needs to do (shower, eat, etc.) it's more easily accepted then when a family member is doing it......I'm just tired of the whole situation! Maybe if my mom had been there for me throughout my entire life I wouldn't feel this way.....as it stands.....she wasn't....so I did my best for two years and I must move on......and assist in her care from a distance......2014 will be a year of change for me.....much needed and much deserved! I will work on my feelings of guilt and give mom's time at AL a chance........great advice! 60/40 is better than nothing.......
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One thing that might help is to remind yourself that no one can make Mom happy other than herself. And when you feel guilty, tell yourself to wait for two months to see how it works out before you start feeling bad. There's a 60/40 chance she will be happier there.

On NPR on the show "This American Life" they repeated a story about a child with autism who was getting violent at home. After 13 years, the family had to give up and put him into a residential facility and he did much, much better in a facility designed for kids with autism. But he did cry like crazy the first day when they left him.

Some NH's and ALF's are horrible places, but some are very very good. I hope your situation works out well for both of you.
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I don't think there is any way not to feel guilty. You did the best you could, but your mother living with you is just not working anymore. Maybe she will be more inspired to mingle with others at the AL facility. She will probably be mad at first. I hope she adjusts quickly and enjoys living there. I hope you don't feel guilty for long.
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