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My parents are in their late 70's. I moved back home a few years ago after losing my job, intending to stay only a short time until I got back on my feet. But when I got there, my parents' dysfunction took over my life (and became my dysfunction). There are too many deeply rooted psychological issues to go into here, but suffice it to say that I've been reliving all the toxic mental manipulation I endured as a child under their roof. What's worse, they've developed worsening physical problems that are preventing them from adequately caring for themselves and their home.

My father has a chronic autoimmune condition, has extremely poor balance and difficulty walking, falls asleep anywhere anytime (including driving) and takes countless medications. He shouldn't be driving at all, and recently I did limit him to short trips to and from the grocery, but my mother is "helpless" and has always relied on him to do everything for her. Everything that is except all the stuff I do - which includes all the yard work, heavy lifting, house repairs, shopping and preparation for my mother's book club, shopping and cooking for dinner parties for neighbors, driving on long trips, etc.

My mother likely has dementia or Alzheimer's that has recently become very noticeably worse. She has two siblings, a father and a grandfather with Alzheimer's. My mother refuses to be tested for dementia (despite acknowledging that she recognizes some decline in memory) and my father can't be bothered to have a conversation about anything, let alone anything of any significance. He's content to let my mother do or act whatever way she wants as long as his routine isn't interrupted.

I am at my wits end because they are the most stubborn, self-involved, heads-in-the-sand type of people you could imagine. They refuse to complete a will, despite my and my brother's incessant efforts to encourage and/or help them. They refuse to consider moving to a retirement community where they could be transferred to assisted living if need be. These character traits are longstanding, but time is short now. And it won't be long before something happens, or before my mother isn't able to make decisions for herself. My father has bouts of extreme confusion as well. Honestly I wouldn't know where to begin to take care of matters if/when that happens as I don't have the details about their finances.

I have been trying very hard to get them to make their own decisions both for their own sake and for the sake of their children, but they won't. If I push the issue, my father gets angry and threatens me and my mother throws tantrums and tells me to leave. But in the past whenever I have "left", she tantrums, stalks me via phone or email, calls my brother obsessively, etc.

So...in good conscience, I feel like it would be irresponsible of me to just leave, knowing that they can't take care of themselves; however, this is killing me. I am not in a financial position to "just leave" because all of my time is eaten up by these issues. My brother thinks I should take any job I can and just leave asap, and who cares if they don't finish the will. He thinks if I don't leave, they'll never admit they need help. I think they'll never admit it anyway, and if I do leave, I'll be stalked and harassed again, or they'll hurt themselves or someone else, and then I'll be the one who has to go back again and pick up the pieces. My brother has a family and lives many hours away and isn't in a position to take them in. I am single and so the burden falls to me. But I am near 40 and feel I've wasted most of my life dealing with their issues.

I don't know what to do. Any advice?

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Might be helpful: Area Agency on Aging. Social Services. Adult Protective Services. Their Doctors/Clinics.
Elders who refuse to deal with life, choose that. Some actively block making arrangements. Others are just ignorant. Most, at least a few kinds of dysfunctional.
Your best protection is to make sure their Docs are clearly informed of their behaviors. It was not until I wrote a letter clearly describing Mom's behaviors to her Doc, that she started to get 'caught out' in those behaviors...Docs only see their patients for a few minutes--far from enough to make a diagnosis of dementia or a lot of other things. They need input from observers who spend more time with the patients they see, who can give clear, honest descriptions of what's going on. Mental issues are very difficult to get Docs to do anything about, especially if the person has skipped/slid through life avoiding detection/help.
If I had not told the Doc what Mom was doing, he'd have given her a script for narcotics...and she would have stockpiled those to make a suicide attempt as she had in the past [which the hospital psych failed to diagnose], for instance.
But the Doc failed to make any attempt to diagnose her mental issues--which sure could have used some help.

PLEASE, get your own 'ducks in a row' to protect and nurture yourself and your future. Your folks care not about whether you will be taken care of when they are gone, nor that you used what time you have, on them.
Your brother is taking care of his family, not you--but he did 'throw you a bone' by suggesting to get whatever job you can.
So...who is left to take care of you, but you?
The States are not in a good position to care for caregivers who give up their lives to help their elders [often for free, or at great cost to themselves], and impoverish themselves in the doing of that.
Certain outspoken politically minded people are now castigating all who find themselves needing assistance, blaming elderly, poor, disabled and unemployed for causing or feeding the Nation's economic disasters [which is pretty sick thinking of itself!].
Systems in place now, fail to care for nor protect caregivers.
Often Caregivers are in untenable situations, because they were raised, taught, to be subservient, tolerant of being abused, etc.
It's up to us to get ourselves out of that, to forge better lives for ourselves--even if they cut us out of their wills, or even if they stalk us...that's what caller ID is for, and answering machines. mail is a good screening tool.
So is distance.
SOMEtimes, having to put something in writing, by paper letter, or email, causes them to think better.
And, it gives us a chance to read it more slowly, to make sure we understood them right, before answering...it removes the "he said/ she said" element of plausible deniability of verbal-only conversations, where communication can get crazy..

Only you can decide if and/or when someone is treating you badly; how much you are willing to take in the name of loving them; and only you can decide at what point is time to love them, in all their glorious dysfunction, from a safe distance.
It sounds like you have reached your limits.
So, perhaps your bro is right--get whatever decent job you can find that will enable you to rent a modest place, even a room, of your own to be safe in...then build on that to leverage yourself into successively better jobs/work you prefer. Even one at a fast-food place, or motel maid, can be a stepping-stone to better, later.
At least it's something that might get you a lifeline 'out' of your folk's house.
Also, seek things that can help you understand why they are as they are, and, how to best help/heal yourself....books, tapes, movies online, lots can be found scattered online, For Free...if any venue tries to sell it to you, keep looking--find the free stuff---this site is a very good start!
Some States have decent free or low-cost counseling, accessible via DSHS [welfare].
Please don't wait until you are over 65, wondering where time flew, and how is it all there is, is a trailer court charging way too much space rent for crumbling, derelict units which they sell 'as-is' to the most vulnerable and desperate, so the trailer court can avoid maintenance on them--- as one elderly friend is now living---hers is a nightmare of fearing her unit will burn down with her in it, or freeze to death for no heat---and can't dare ask help, or risk agencies seizing it as unfit, making her homeless, or forcing her into elder housing far smaller.

Please take care of you! There are others in the world who appreciate your heart and soul being in the world, glad you live and breath in it...and other work for you to do, yet.
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You should Google information about dying intestate in your parents' state. At least in New York, it doesn't look too bad.
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Creek, I went back and re-read your thread. If your mom is using the hedges clippers unsafe even with you there, then there's really no reason to stay. You're not keeping them safe, because they won't let you. If they have an accident, they'll be taken to the er. If they call you, you say no, I can't care for them. If they die intestate, the state takes over I believe. Can you go live with your brother until you get your life back on track?
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I'm no lawyer, but I understand that if your parents make no will, then they die intestate and the laws of the state where they reside take over. If someone has legal knowledge, please correct me, but it sounds like, assuming you want nothing from them, you could in fact just walk away. I don't think you can be forced to be executor of any non-existent will.
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I think there ought to be a movie about ElderParent Zombies or something! How they eat their children alive before they die.

I noticed my sense of humor has gone south!
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upacreek: I'm in a similar situation, but I believe that you have an advantage that I don't (not being judgmental here at all) in the fact that you can move out as soon as you focus on YOUR plan for YOUR life. My mother is living in MY house after being kicked out of every other place/family member's homes, so I had about 12 hrs' notice. That was almost a year ago. She's 84, has dementia but none of her dr's will use that term in diagnosing her; she's very narcissistic and stubborn, and those character traits are getting worse as she gets older. I can't IMAGINE living with both of my crazy parents.
I know all about getting sucked back into the craziness. I have POA because I have 3 siblings who have washed their hands of her. I finally made her go to her brother's for a week because I had a water leak in my attic and an abscessed tooth and told her she needed to stay there 'til I was able to handle MY LIFE for a change. She was there for a week and just came home Sat (3 days ago). She didn't call, didn't ask... YOU have the power to get away from the situation.
I am going into the hospital this week because I cannot deal with her anymore. I can't stand to hear her voice right now. Do you want to get to that point? I've been suicidal for weeks and I'm finally getting help for myself b/c she REFUSES to do what I have asked and what the social worker has TOLD her to do to help me. She's always saying, "I wish I could help you," but we all know what that means: it means on HER terms and whenever and whatever she feels like doing. I'm beyond burn out and my meds aren't working, so she can stay here and burn the house down for all I care (since she burns everything she cooks or spills it all over the place). My dear friends have told me that if I don't go to the hospital, they are going to take me there and my therapist said the same thing: GO TO THE HOSPITAL.
Please take care of YOU first. Learn from what everyone is saying here. You can't change them and you never will, esp. if they don't want to. God bless you, sweetie, and get out while you can.
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Upacreek (or, Up, Up, and AWAY! :)), make an appt. with a therapist. They'll speak with you the first time for free, most likely. It might help if you tell him/her that: you're in crisis now, and need help with a) asserting yourself in order to b) minimize, and possibly end, contact with your parents -- at least for the foreseeable future. A good therapist will help you stop your destructive patterns, develop positive ones instead, and will guide you to a LOT of personal insight. The process is painful, difficult, and just MESSY at times, because everyone in your life expects you to be one way, and you're evolving into something different. But in my case, it's probably some of the best time and money I ever spent. If you try it, with certain goals in mind, and work towards them, then in 3 months, 6 months, whatever -- your life will be SO much more how you'd like it to be.
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worriedaboutdad - You describe the haunting perfectly. You just walk into the house and the negative energy oppresses you. It has absolutely paralyzed me. Sleeping in my same childhood room, I re-experience it all - as it happened then and as it's still happening now. In theory, it's the perfect setting to deal with my own demons, forgive myself and them, and move on. But the ongoing nature of it makes it nearly impossible for me to distance myself enough from. I get too wrapped up in it emotionally. So anyway, point is, you're right - HAVE TO get out of this house.

LivingSouth - My preference would definitely be to hire someone else to care for them if they refuse to leave the house (which I suspect they will). They have money that can be put toward that. I will visit as needed, but I have to disengage and really start living again. And I have no interest in living in this town either. I outgrew it in my teens. I left my soul in NYC actually. So, if I can get myself back there, I'll still be within driving distance should any emergencies come up, but not so close that they will call me incessantly to come over and participate in their psychic drama. So, now it's just up to me to make it happen. And fast!
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There are care managers for those who live far away and need someone to manage care for parents. You might want to move to another town and hire someone to deal with them. At least it would give you some piece of mind and still protect your sanity.
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I am hopping to the end of this. I moved in with my husband into his childhood home. It WAS NOT a happy childhood.

I can remember, several states away, even walking into the home of my dad, where I grew up. The horrible memories rushed to greet me like a long yearning ghost. Everything I could not be, everyone I could not please, the walls screamed GET OUT. You are an angel. A saint. Get out and care for them, even if a mile away. DO IT. You are always going to be haunted by the ghosts, and they will come for you and affect you in ways you didn't even think possible.
If you want to care for them, truly, care close by. My advice is to find a beautiful place that soothes your soul and drive there. Be a child from that place.
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Perhaps you could entertain the thought of Being Here Now. All of your concerns, whether they be valid - have not happened. The future holds what it does and it makes us crazy trying to control it. Take care of your self dear Una. That is your first responsibility. You will have absolutely no reason for guilt if you do this one thing. Please don't leave out of spite or think "Now they'll see how valuable I was to them." You can't control that but you can take care of yourself. All these things you have set up as to why you don't leave are your own projections and while they seem valid to you, maybe they are excuses for not doing what you could be doing - ahhh, yup, taking care of you. Hugs and love to you. Let it work out. When your parents get to a point of desperation, rest assured they will be taken care of - most probably by the Elder Care or Dept of Aging in the county they live in. If they refuse to take care of such basic matters like a Will, then that's their choice. Sounds as if you have an ally there with your bro. Maybe he could lend a helping hand with getting you out of thaqt (sounds like) toxic environment. No hare in asking. Just let all that other "stuff" go. Your parents forget. Forgive them for changing. It's no one's fault.
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I am so grateful for all of your responses. If my mind weren't so overwhelmed right now I would respond in kind to each of you. But please know that I have read and taken to heart every word you have all taken the time to write.

Bethersmi - Within a year of moving in with my parents, I got sick. I lost about a year and a half of my life doing nothing but feeling ill, physically and psychologically. What's interesting is that I was also sick as a child and teenager - the last time I lived in this house. I re-developed some of the same illnesses as an adult, only more severe this time. I recognized the root of my illness was this toxic relationship with my parents, and since then I have managed to get my thoughts under better control and my health has improved a little as well. But I'm nowhere near my normal state of well-being. So I couldn't agree more that this situation is killing me and I need to take control of my health and my life before it's too late.

Oh, and you're spot on about the codependence. I realize this, and I realize I am just as dependent on the dysfunction, and I also see how much it has affected my personal relationships outside the family. I struggle to redefine myself and to think of myself as a capable, independent woman worthy of love of fulfillment. And when I do manage to give myself a break, the "old me" jumps back in and belittles me, reminding me how pathetic I am that I've wasted all this time and haven't gotten myself on track already. So, the awareness is there, it's the execution of change that I'm struggling with.

juddabuddhaboo - When I moved home, I contemplated that perhaps it was to spend time with my parents while they were still here and to make peace with our relationship. But I have realized that is not going to happen. It is as it has always been - no love, just bitterness and anger and resentment and criticism. When I was an adolescent, my mother used to get drunk and cry to me about unresolved issues with her father and her ex-husband. I used to tell her, "I'm your DAUGHTER, not your THERAPIST. GO GET HELP." But of course she didn't. And as the years wore on, her efforts to avoid facing her issues increased, manifesting in her obsessing about me, about money, about weight, etc. I've honestly never met anyone so negative and so obsessive and so desperate to avoid dealing with their issues. My father isn't obsessive, he's just volatile and equally avoidant. My only image of him is sitting at the kitchen table playing solitaire on the computer or doing his scratch-offs or (in his younger days) pretending to look at the classified ads. If you disturb this delicate practice of daily distraction, he will unleash his wrath on you. Or should I say, on ME.
My whole life when I'm around them is geared toward avoiding criticism. I dumb myself down, ugly myself up, try to make sure I don't stand out so that I don't incite some sort of negative evaluation from them. I've grown to resent them and hate myself for suppressing my Self so much that I often pray our souls aren't eternally tied to one another because I don't want to see them again in another life or another realm. I've become so afraid of people that I won't hug anyone (literally my brother and his friend had an "intervention" with me last month because I seemed so angry and fearful and wouldn't even hug them). I am a loving and kind person. I am. But this relationship is not loving. And I'm afraid I can't see a way to resolve that.
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Love can still survive in some form even if you can't stand the elder's company most times, if you can't really be yourself when you are with them, I find that I still have love for my mother. Underneath it all, I find I am grateful for the times she was there for me. I can still love the essence of who she is: that unique person who never has been and never will be on this planet again in this exact way as she is now: crazy labels and all.

Einstein said energy cannot be created or destroyed. Was he talking about the energy called love? (not to be confused with romance. I mean unconditional spiritual love.) Only how we react to others changes, if we use our will.
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Dear upacreek: You have been given a lot of good advice here. I was part of a caregiver group on FB last year and one of the caregivers there had similar circumstances to yours. Her father, however, was in a VA nursing home and her mother remained at home. Even though she lived in her own home, she was the POA for both parents, who were legally separated. Her sister lived across country and visited about once every three months. To make a long story short, her mother was a nightmare and because of his dementia, her father wasn't always nice. Unfortunately the stress of taking care of them caused her to die one night in her sleep. I'm telling you this because I believe that you may be headed in this direction if you keep walking the path that you're on. Please walk away now. Get a job, move into your own place and get some counseling. Whether you know it or not you are co-dependent on your parents. I recommend that you read Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie and Toxic Parents by Dr Susan Forward. These books helped me a lot after a horrible argument with my father, one from which I walked out of his life, never to allow him to attack me again. Like the others suggested, cover your bases, but walk away from the dysfunction that is sucking the life out of you. Best of luck to you!
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I couldn't agree more with everyone who has already posted about this. Take it from me, upacreek, if you remain in a situation such as this, you will wake up one day feeling full of bitterness and vast regrets. Best thing you can do for all involved is concern yourself less with the obstinate parents and more with the course of YOUR life. Yes, the parents will probably throw a hissy. Eventually, they'll get over it.

Main thing I want to impart is this: know what you have to do for YOU. Don't worry anymore about what may happen in the future so far as your parents are concerned. Bogging yourself down in details like this is only delaying your own life. Remember the saying, The only thing I feel you need to do is notify someone that your parents need to be checked on, and that's all. When you find yourself dwelling on future matters, stop everything, repeat this mantra:
"I'll cross that bridge when I get to it,"
and get yourself back on the course of YOUR life.

Good luck. :)
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Hello Upacreek. My father has the same attitude as yours. Dad truly believes that daughters only exist for the sole purpose of doing the work. Has always believed it. My brothers were always allowed to have lives. I was supposed to stay home and do housework. Still today, he refuses to ask my brothers for anything, because "They're busy". Even when I worked full time, night shift, he would expect me to do everything for him and Mom. Once, when asked him "why can't you have of your sons help this time?", he answered "Because that's why you're here. You're the girl." He was totally confused as to why on earth I would object to giving up everything in my life and take care of the. For him, it was as ludicrous as if the toilet had objected to being crapped in; because in his mind, that is what I exist for.

Dad is 92. He won't change.
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juddabuddhaboo - Fabulous answer ! I think I'm going copy and paste that into a file to save on my computer, so I can read it over and over. Thank you.
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juddabuddhaboo - you made a wonderful statement. You are so right!
In our journey to find ourselves sometimes we get lost in others "selves". I did it - others here have done it. Out of "obligation". Maybe the lesson to be learned here is how to say no and how to walk away... If you don't make the decision to leave the chaos you choose to be a part of the chaos. Been there done that. Yes you will feel guilty. Work on yourself - get to a better place for you. As ba8alou says - your parents will be taken care of. Before you leave make contact with your local Social/Human Services and refer your parents to the Adult Protection Unit in the county your parents live in. Best wishes and remember to take care of yourself. Your brother is right.
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I totally understand where you are as my brothers and I are in a similar situation. As the female, it feels like abandonment when you resist the dependent situation the elder parent has put themselves and us in. I am trying to use tough love by only providing the help dad would get from me if he were in assisted living (which is minimal). All the help from the staff he would have received he needs to do on his own. It is hard to see our parents struggle but I know assisted living would be so much better for him. He needs to need it and right now he gets by through grabbing anyone he can to do for him what he could have regular help to do. I think it is a generational thing too. That generation never had assisted living arrangements and they think it is a nursing home where people are mistreated. So I respect his decision but keep telling myself, I need my own life and sanity.
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My heart goes out to you. I am in a similar boat and I'm secretly gathering the money to get out. Moving back home to "help" her was the worst decision of my life. My mother has been this way her whole life, she won't change and I was always afraid that if I didn't help her, I'd either find her in the gutter or I'd have to pick up the pieces to some mess she created. That is how she trained me. I have concluded that their blissful ignorance is an act. They know that someone is always there, cleaning up their mess. I don't care how old they are, they are still accountable for their actions and have no right to expect someone to give up their life, just because they made poor choices.
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Oh, please mind Sharonkay! She is right, right, right.

Count me as one more fellow traveler on this challenging but lifegiving road.
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I would get a job and prepare to move out when able to do so.
You are correct that they can't manage and at only their late 70's things will get worse as they head into their 80's. If they have a concerned pastor or doctor, try to list your main mental and physical health concerns. See if they can check them out physically and mentally. Perhaps a change in medications and some PT could make them better able to live alone. The driving if he falls asleep needs to be stopped. Perhaps they could go on some of the senior transportation to shop.
However, if you are in the area, try to get some companion/home health aide for them. I would pay for the aide and/or the house cleaner to help them.

They seem to be in poor shape for their late 70's, normally this level of problems develop after age 85 or so with healthy seniors.

So move out, it is best for you. However, the problems on the home front with your parents do not disappear. They remain as long as they do.
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Thank you everyone for your advice and suggestions. I definitely needed to hear the perspective of some people who aren't in the middle of this mess, and it sounds pretty much like a landslide in the direction of tough love. So, I've decided I'm going to work on my exit strategy, with the focus being on getting myself out and financially independent again and for good.

I'm still mulling over the best approach regarding their health and the will. I did investigate the intestacy laws in their state and it looks like if they both die, all the assets will go to my brother and me. If one dies, $15,000 will go to the spouse plus half of the remaining assets and the rest will go to my brother and me. My brother and I both just want the drama to end so I don't anticipate any fighting between us (although Miasmom1 - I definitely hear your point about your aunt and I am very concerned about feeling overwhelmed by their lack of planning and by this house and all the potential issues with its sale). I am also concerned about what happens if my mom "loses her mind" before she dies as no Power of Attorney has been established. So I think that may be something I need to make a priority.

But other than sorting out these details, you have all helped me see that it's time to cut the cord. Thanks for the wake up call :)
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Hi upacreek - you certainly are. I am in the sort of the same situation as I am single. It is different in that if I met someone tomorrow, my parents would not expect me to stay, they would urge me to go. however - my aunt passed away and did not leave a will. this was an extremely stupid move for a revered woman who was considered the matriarch of the family. so everything went to the hands of mom's one other sister who is very trustworthy but it was a huge burden. but my aunt was a saver bordering on hoarder and everything is messier because she didn't take responsibility when she was still able to. so there is a house on the market who has been thru 3 "almost" sales and now has a "reputation" for being unsellable despite numerous upgrades including a HUGE major renovation. I think you should contact your parents's doctors to let them know what you experiencing. Please keep in mind regarding HIPAA red tape - i don't know if you have an ok to speak to your parents' doctors etc. but I would call them and let them know what you are experiencing. This needs to be documented somewhere to protect YOU. If they (doc's office, et.) give you trouble about speaking to you, I don't believe HIPAA comes into play if YOU are calling to give THEM information. and if it is documented now, it won't bite you in the a** later. I hear/see the other replies urging you to protect yourself, I agree.
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Upacreek; you might find it instructive to scroll through previous posts from folks in situations similar to yours. There is no good news. Sorry if I'm sounding like the ultimate downer here. But parents seem to come in two flavors--planners (mine, thank all that is holy) and the non planners. If you have parents who didn't and won't plan, imo, you need to back away as so that your future doesn't get sucked into the vortex.
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You need to get a job, and move out. Unfortunately until a crisis happens, nothing will be resolved. If you stay, you will be a caregiver for the next twenty years; is that how you invision your life? About the will, don't worry nursing home costs will eat up the estate.
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You have seen all the posts. Now it's up to you. Forget about the will already. If it's a mess, so be it. Call a charity to empty out the house, and the financials are a few calls from an attorney. Get a job, for crying out loud. Get your butt moving. If not, in 10 years, you will still be in this situation, wondering where your life went. You can do this. Get going.
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juddabuddhaboo, I was an over-protective only child and they still treat me the same way.... even now any time I tell them I am catching a cold, they automatically go into high gear thinking I might have pneumonia, give me all sorts of medical advise.... like this is the first cold I ever had in my life !!

I am just lucky they don't know how to use a drone :0
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Your parents sounded annoying fregflyer, but I can hear some caring underneath the illogical ideas. My parents would never go that far in thinking about what I might need like that. We humans are an odd lot!!
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Yet many of us were raised to do what our parents tell us to do.... and I think my parents [in their 90's] still view me as a *child* [I am 67] even though I have copied their life style when it comes to home and finances.

I have to laugh, I remember back when my hubby and I were getting a divorce, Mom had sent Dad over to my house to show me how to disengage the automatic garage door opener in case there was ever a power failure..... ooooook..... do my parents think I had been stuck in my house for those 20 years when I was married, not knowing how to get the car out of the garage when the power was off??? Same with furnace filters, I recently had bought a box of filters and Mom noticed them.... she said that Dad can come over to change the filters for me..... [sigh].

Must be that double standard thing, I being a female. Now, if my parents were saying that to my significant other, I would understand because he doesn't even know how to open a tool box ;)
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