My parents are in their late 70's. I moved back home a few years ago after losing my job, intending to stay only a short time until I got back on my feet. But when I got there, my parents' dysfunction took over my life (and became my dysfunction). There are too many deeply rooted psychological issues to go into here, but suffice it to say that I've been reliving all the toxic mental manipulation I endured as a child under their roof. What's worse, they've developed worsening physical problems that are preventing them from adequately caring for themselves and their home.
My father has a chronic autoimmune condition, has extremely poor balance and difficulty walking, falls asleep anywhere anytime (including driving) and takes countless medications. He shouldn't be driving at all, and recently I did limit him to short trips to and from the grocery, but my mother is "helpless" and has always relied on him to do everything for her. Everything that is except all the stuff I do - which includes all the yard work, heavy lifting, house repairs, shopping and preparation for my mother's book club, shopping and cooking for dinner parties for neighbors, driving on long trips, etc.
My mother likely has dementia or Alzheimer's that has recently become very noticeably worse. She has two siblings, a father and a grandfather with Alzheimer's. My mother refuses to be tested for dementia (despite acknowledging that she recognizes some decline in memory) and my father can't be bothered to have a conversation about anything, let alone anything of any significance. He's content to let my mother do or act whatever way she wants as long as his routine isn't interrupted.
I am at my wits end because they are the most stubborn, self-involved, heads-in-the-sand type of people you could imagine. They refuse to complete a will, despite my and my brother's incessant efforts to encourage and/or help them. They refuse to consider moving to a retirement community where they could be transferred to assisted living if need be. These character traits are longstanding, but time is short now. And it won't be long before something happens, or before my mother isn't able to make decisions for herself. My father has bouts of extreme confusion as well. Honestly I wouldn't know where to begin to take care of matters if/when that happens as I don't have the details about their finances.
I have been trying very hard to get them to make their own decisions both for their own sake and for the sake of their children, but they won't. If I push the issue, my father gets angry and threatens me and my mother throws tantrums and tells me to leave. But in the past whenever I have "left", she tantrums, stalks me via phone or email, calls my brother obsessively, etc.
So...in good conscience, I feel like it would be irresponsible of me to just leave, knowing that they can't take care of themselves; however, this is killing me. I am not in a financial position to "just leave" because all of my time is eaten up by these issues. My brother thinks I should take any job I can and just leave asap, and who cares if they don't finish the will. He thinks if I don't leave, they'll never admit they need help. I think they'll never admit it anyway, and if I do leave, I'll be stalked and harassed again, or they'll hurt themselves or someone else, and then I'll be the one who has to go back again and pick up the pieces. My brother has a family and lives many hours away and isn't in a position to take them in. I am single and so the burden falls to me. But I am near 40 and feel I've wasted most of my life dealing with their issues.
I don't know what to do. Any advice?
Dad is 92. He won't change.
Main thing I want to impart is this: know what you have to do for YOU. Don't worry anymore about what may happen in the future so far as your parents are concerned. Bogging yourself down in details like this is only delaying your own life. Remember the saying, The only thing I feel you need to do is notify someone that your parents need to be checked on, and that's all. When you find yourself dwelling on future matters, stop everything, repeat this mantra:
"I'll cross that bridge when I get to it,"
and get yourself back on the course of YOUR life.
Good luck. :)
Einstein said energy cannot be created or destroyed. Was he talking about the energy called love? (not to be confused with romance. I mean unconditional spiritual love.) Only how we react to others changes, if we use our will.
Bethersmi - Within a year of moving in with my parents, I got sick. I lost about a year and a half of my life doing nothing but feeling ill, physically and psychologically. What's interesting is that I was also sick as a child and teenager - the last time I lived in this house. I re-developed some of the same illnesses as an adult, only more severe this time. I recognized the root of my illness was this toxic relationship with my parents, and since then I have managed to get my thoughts under better control and my health has improved a little as well. But I'm nowhere near my normal state of well-being. So I couldn't agree more that this situation is killing me and I need to take control of my health and my life before it's too late.
Oh, and you're spot on about the codependence. I realize this, and I realize I am just as dependent on the dysfunction, and I also see how much it has affected my personal relationships outside the family. I struggle to redefine myself and to think of myself as a capable, independent woman worthy of love of fulfillment. And when I do manage to give myself a break, the "old me" jumps back in and belittles me, reminding me how pathetic I am that I've wasted all this time and haven't gotten myself on track already. So, the awareness is there, it's the execution of change that I'm struggling with.
juddabuddhaboo - When I moved home, I contemplated that perhaps it was to spend time with my parents while they were still here and to make peace with our relationship. But I have realized that is not going to happen. It is as it has always been - no love, just bitterness and anger and resentment and criticism. When I was an adolescent, my mother used to get drunk and cry to me about unresolved issues with her father and her ex-husband. I used to tell her, "I'm your DAUGHTER, not your THERAPIST. GO GET HELP." But of course she didn't. And as the years wore on, her efforts to avoid facing her issues increased, manifesting in her obsessing about me, about money, about weight, etc. I've honestly never met anyone so negative and so obsessive and so desperate to avoid dealing with their issues. My father isn't obsessive, he's just volatile and equally avoidant. My only image of him is sitting at the kitchen table playing solitaire on the computer or doing his scratch-offs or (in his younger days) pretending to look at the classified ads. If you disturb this delicate practice of daily distraction, he will unleash his wrath on you. Or should I say, on ME.
My whole life when I'm around them is geared toward avoiding criticism. I dumb myself down, ugly myself up, try to make sure I don't stand out so that I don't incite some sort of negative evaluation from them. I've grown to resent them and hate myself for suppressing my Self so much that I often pray our souls aren't eternally tied to one another because I don't want to see them again in another life or another realm. I've become so afraid of people that I won't hug anyone (literally my brother and his friend had an "intervention" with me last month because I seemed so angry and fearful and wouldn't even hug them). I am a loving and kind person. I am. But this relationship is not loving. And I'm afraid I can't see a way to resolve that.
I can remember, several states away, even walking into the home of my dad, where I grew up. The horrible memories rushed to greet me like a long yearning ghost. Everything I could not be, everyone I could not please, the walls screamed GET OUT. You are an angel. A saint. Get out and care for them, even if a mile away. DO IT. You are always going to be haunted by the ghosts, and they will come for you and affect you in ways you didn't even think possible.
If you want to care for them, truly, care close by. My advice is to find a beautiful place that soothes your soul and drive there. Be a child from that place.
LivingSouth - My preference would definitely be to hire someone else to care for them if they refuse to leave the house (which I suspect they will). They have money that can be put toward that. I will visit as needed, but I have to disengage and really start living again. And I have no interest in living in this town either. I outgrew it in my teens. I left my soul in NYC actually. So, if I can get myself back there, I'll still be within driving distance should any emergencies come up, but not so close that they will call me incessantly to come over and participate in their psychic drama. So, now it's just up to me to make it happen. And fast!
I know all about getting sucked back into the craziness. I have POA because I have 3 siblings who have washed their hands of her. I finally made her go to her brother's for a week because I had a water leak in my attic and an abscessed tooth and told her she needed to stay there 'til I was able to handle MY LIFE for a change. She was there for a week and just came home Sat (3 days ago). She didn't call, didn't ask... YOU have the power to get away from the situation.
I am going into the hospital this week because I cannot deal with her anymore. I can't stand to hear her voice right now. Do you want to get to that point? I've been suicidal for weeks and I'm finally getting help for myself b/c she REFUSES to do what I have asked and what the social worker has TOLD her to do to help me. She's always saying, "I wish I could help you," but we all know what that means: it means on HER terms and whenever and whatever she feels like doing. I'm beyond burn out and my meds aren't working, so she can stay here and burn the house down for all I care (since she burns everything she cooks or spills it all over the place). My dear friends have told me that if I don't go to the hospital, they are going to take me there and my therapist said the same thing: GO TO THE HOSPITAL.
Please take care of YOU first. Learn from what everyone is saying here. You can't change them and you never will, esp. if they don't want to. God bless you, sweetie, and get out while you can.
I noticed my sense of humor has gone south!
Elders who refuse to deal with life, choose that. Some actively block making arrangements. Others are just ignorant. Most, at least a few kinds of dysfunctional.
Your best protection is to make sure their Docs are clearly informed of their behaviors. It was not until I wrote a letter clearly describing Mom's behaviors to her Doc, that she started to get 'caught out' in those behaviors...Docs only see their patients for a few minutes--far from enough to make a diagnosis of dementia or a lot of other things. They need input from observers who spend more time with the patients they see, who can give clear, honest descriptions of what's going on. Mental issues are very difficult to get Docs to do anything about, especially if the person has skipped/slid through life avoiding detection/help.
If I had not told the Doc what Mom was doing, he'd have given her a script for narcotics...and she would have stockpiled those to make a suicide attempt as she had in the past [which the hospital psych failed to diagnose], for instance.
But the Doc failed to make any attempt to diagnose her mental issues--which sure could have used some help.
PLEASE, get your own 'ducks in a row' to protect and nurture yourself and your future. Your folks care not about whether you will be taken care of when they are gone, nor that you used what time you have, on them.
Your brother is taking care of his family, not you--but he did 'throw you a bone' by suggesting to get whatever job you can.
So...who is left to take care of you, but you?
The States are not in a good position to care for caregivers who give up their lives to help their elders [often for free, or at great cost to themselves], and impoverish themselves in the doing of that.
Certain outspoken politically minded people are now castigating all who find themselves needing assistance, blaming elderly, poor, disabled and unemployed for causing or feeding the Nation's economic disasters [which is pretty sick thinking of itself!].
Systems in place now, fail to care for nor protect caregivers.
Often Caregivers are in untenable situations, because they were raised, taught, to be subservient, tolerant of being abused, etc.
It's up to us to get ourselves out of that, to forge better lives for ourselves--even if they cut us out of their wills, or even if they stalk us...that's what caller ID is for, and answering machines. mail is a good screening tool.
So is distance.
SOMEtimes, having to put something in writing, by paper letter, or email, causes them to think better.
And, it gives us a chance to read it more slowly, to make sure we understood them right, before answering...it removes the "he said/ she said" element of plausible deniability of verbal-only conversations, where communication can get crazy..
Only you can decide if and/or when someone is treating you badly; how much you are willing to take in the name of loving them; and only you can decide at what point is time to love them, in all their glorious dysfunction, from a safe distance.
It sounds like you have reached your limits.
So, perhaps your bro is right--get whatever decent job you can find that will enable you to rent a modest place, even a room, of your own to be safe in...then build on that to leverage yourself into successively better jobs/work you prefer. Even one at a fast-food place, or motel maid, can be a stepping-stone to better, later.
At least it's something that might get you a lifeline 'out' of your folk's house.
Also, seek things that can help you understand why they are as they are, and, how to best help/heal yourself....books, tapes, movies online, lots can be found scattered online, For Free...if any venue tries to sell it to you, keep looking--find the free stuff---this site is a very good start!
Some States have decent free or low-cost counseling, accessible via DSHS [welfare].
Please don't wait until you are over 65, wondering where time flew, and how is it all there is, is a trailer court charging way too much space rent for crumbling, derelict units which they sell 'as-is' to the most vulnerable and desperate, so the trailer court can avoid maintenance on them--- as one elderly friend is now living---hers is a nightmare of fearing her unit will burn down with her in it, or freeze to death for no heat---and can't dare ask help, or risk agencies seizing it as unfit, making her homeless, or forcing her into elder housing far smaller.
Please take care of you! There are others in the world who appreciate your heart and soul being in the world, glad you live and breath in it...and other work for you to do, yet.