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Rang mum on way and she diddnt want to join us. Dad was in a wonderful mood and we had a great time , he was so happy .i explained now his medication was working well we could do this .
I go in every 2 nd day an felt he was ready for an outing.
Now my mum is so angry, saying it is so bad for her, and really upset that she sits there 6 hours a day 7 days a week ......and I jut took him out, I don't understand the problem, if he wants to go out again and she can't take him, she has to say wait for me or my husband . Please help me understand her anger .

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Thanks everyone , I am so gutted by it all . I am just going to stay away for a while
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I am so glad that your dad is responding to the new medication. There is no cure for dementia, but the right treatment can often manage symptoms. Generally activity is considered an important part of treatment, as long as it is not over-stimulating or agitating.

You are right; your mom and brother are wrong. But that won't be much consolation if they gang up on you and try to interfere with your visits. So tread carefully.

I can't imagine how you taking Dad out is bad for Mom. Possibly she has been planning an outing and is disappointed not to be the first to take Dad out. Maybe she thought of that as a reward for all the sitting with him she has done. You didn't mean to steal her thunder but that MAY be how she is seeing it. Who knows?

My wish would be that you could all establish better communication. Wouldn't it have been great if when you called she had said, "Oh, could you wait until next week to take him out? I'm planning to take him out tomorrow and I wanted to be his first date now that he can do that."? (Or whatever her reason was.) Try to do your part to open up communications.

Even though you have every right to go out with your Dad, maybe it would be wise to defer to Mom for a while. "Mom, if Dad is up to it when I get there, I plan to take him to the botanical gardens. Is there any reason that wouldn't be a good idea?" No, you don't need her permission, but try that approach for a while and see if it improves family dynamics.
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Damned if you do, damned if you don't! I'm sure Mom will take Dad out soon and tell you all about it!
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Yeh , I think there is a bit of that too .
My husband rang my brothere and said mum was planning on a trip with dad and I spoilt her plans . They were not for that day and hew hadn't mentioned anything to me
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Sounds to me that you didn't do anything wrong.. Sounds like jealousy on your Mom's part. As for your brothers, I have no idea why they are upset.. I'm glad you enjoyed your time with your Dad!
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Thanks everyone
Yeh I will clarify the facts a bit
Dad has had dementia for 5 years and needed an operation .
When downhill and became violent and Terified of the hospital etc.

So my brother wanted to take him home and dad was violent and diddnt recognise my brother as he dosent live here and hardly sees dad .

So he was put into a secure dementia ward about a 5 weeks ago .
I went with him in the ambulance which I thought was a bit extreme anyway to be safe.
There has been more violent behaviour , I go in nearly every 2 nd day .

They have started him on new medication and he is a changed man .

Last week his friend came in and dad was great , I had spoken to mum in the morning and said dad angry and asleep .

So I asked her to come back as dad was good , she was only 5 minutes away and refused .

Than got angry and said it must be her

She spends everyday there so I try and relieve her , my other brother lives near by and does stuff all .

So yesterday I said I would do the early shift , went in and it was so depressing , all the others asleep and zonked out .

Dad was very clear and just like the old days.

I said "be great to go for a drive " he said love to . So I got permission from the nurse , rang mum and no answer .

She rang back as I was driving and spoke to dad , said we where going to the jetty for lunch .

I asked her to join us and she said it would take her half an hour to get there and diddnt want to .

We were not in any hurry , we could have spent a few hours there.

Any way I get a text her absolutely freaking out .
That good for dad but very very bad for her .

?????

Said she has to sit there all day everyday ????

So I don't know , there was no malicious in it , no sneaking , nothing , I thought I was being nice , dad was wonderful and so easy , I held his hand the whole time and protected him like a newborn .

We always have been very close , I felt totally safe and in control .

I explained to dad I would have to take him back but I could take him out again , all fine .

My brother rang me today ......how dare you take dad out !!!!!!!

So my menopause kicked in and I explained and then yelled and hung up

I feel so gutted , I would not have endangered dad in anyway and upsets me that I have upset mum . I know she is very fragile and tired etc , so not angry as such with her just pissed off .

The. 3 brothers always have the important say and I am at the bottom of the pecking order , I was also adopted so my husband says that also has to do with her devotion over the boys and what they say .

Even though I put all the time and love in to dad , my husband also is a huge help


Phew "............ Sorry. I needed that !

Any advice ???

Thanks everyone , christine
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If your dad's impairments are new, Mum's anger may simply be a result of her confusion, depression, sadness, etc. I was pretty irrational in the early days of my husband's dementia. If that is the case, cut her some slack and hope this gets a lot better as she learns to cope with the new normal.

Sympathize with Mom. It really is "bad" for her with her husband out of commission. It is "unfair" that he gets treated special and she gets overlooked (from her perspective). This whole situation is a problem for her. And below the surface are all kinds of fears. Be kind and gentle and try not to argue with her over her irrational behavior. Don't let her behavior stop you from doing what you can for your dad, but don't leave her out. (I know you didn't leave her out, that you invited her, too. But don't argue about that. Say, "I'm sorry you didn't find something fun to do while we were gone. Let's plan right now on going out to lunch next Thursday. You can pick the place.")

Sometimes just take Dad, sometimes take Mom and Dad, and figure a way to sometimes just take Mom. (Can Dad stay alone for a couple of hours?)

Maybe if you can explain the situation a little more (is Dad in a nursing home? what is his impairment? how long has he had it? etc) you will get more specific responses.
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I'm not sure where your mother and father are or why your mother is mad. Do they live separate? Does she come sit with him 6 days a week. Why does she have to wait for you and your husband... or is it her husband? Could you tell us a little more of the story so we can fill in the blanks?
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