Lynnibelle60 Asked December 2010

I took care of elderly father-in-law with dementia for five years, when even his own children refused. I'm being accused of mismanagement of his $850 in monthly income. What should I do?

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When we began to take care of my Father-n- law there were no rules laid out by his children only that someone other than them do it. So I we did not account for every cent that went in and out cause no one really cared. The family will given verbal reports occasionally only because I felt like they needed updated not because they inquired. The only advice I can give anyone is to NOT get involved. I'm sorry but we have lost our family over this and I don't think it will ever be repaired.
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Yellowfeever: your post reminded me of a very important part of caregiving that noone has time or energy to do but it may help for many different reasons....DOCUMENT everything keep a journal, take pictures, videos!!!! Whatever happens throughout the day, the things that you feel (emotions,stress), eating habits and times, sleep patterns, conversations, episodes of any kind, what you spend, save reciepts keep a paper trail etc. This will help with Dr's evaluation and medication for behavioral problems, and help you to vent as well as prove what type care you provide, and if any questions arise with family or a judge, you have what is needed to support your side of the situation. There are many resourses to help if you are willing to do home work and able to fill out paper work. May I also suggest making a few copies of each and all documents needed in these matters such as birth cert, divorce docs, ss card, POA papers, Deeds, titles, passports etc, so everytime you need a copy they are on hand. HUGZ to ALL!!!!
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Eddie Jan 2011
LYNNI:

After reading your question I said "What the f__?," but then I read Lynn's, Bridget's, and Ishmael's posts and felt so much better. The nerve of those ingrates! Makes you want to break your foot off in their a__, doesn't it?

Happy New Year baby, and to everyone else in this forum.

-- ED
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I TOTALLY understand, my siblings are trying so hard to get me in trouble with the dept. of aging. Saying I am as well mishandling my mothers money. THEY have no clue what goes on here, they refuse to help(their lives are so busy)! Since I have worked in the home health field for years, they suckered me to quit my job. In the beginning, I looked after her about 30 hours a week for a VERY small pay. Not long after my mother got worse and required 24 hr care. so now she can no longer afford to pay me. My husband and I thought about moving her in with us, however she didn't want to leave her home. So we gave up our rent to own home(almost paid for) to move in with mom. We share the bills, groceries etc.. I have a calendar that I keep track of hours which is 24 hrs/day and at the end of each month I tally up the hours and what I SHOULD have been paid for the month and mom and I both sign it. Right now my mother owes me over $75,000 in unpaid wages. If I was a home health agency I would have to be paid!!!! but my siblings have no understanding. They are afraid that when she is gone they won't get anything. But, to burst there bubble mom has willed my everything(the little she has)to me. Everything adds up, diapers, medications, safety features, home repairs and upkeep, utlilty bills, taxes, groceries(I feed her 3 home cooked meals/day plus snacks in between), clothing for her, insurance premiums, and the list goes on and on.... not to mention the emotional and physical stress that it has put on me and my family I wish I could put a $ amount on that!! I am trying my best here and get no appreciation from others just grief. I am 32yrs old I have given up my life to do the right thing. My husband and kids have all taken a back seat cause mom comes first in my eyes. My husband and I went from low middle class status to now with my mothers income included we would be considered low income. I know that I am not alone out there but I feel so ALONE!!!! What do people think.. Lifes a party here that I just sit around all day and do nothing!!! Mom hasn't slept more than 3hrs a nite in 8 months and hardly naps doing the day if so no longer than a hr or 2. So , I am actually providing 24 hr care cause when shes awake and am as well. I am exhausted!!! Let someone else fill my shoes for a week and they would probably throw her in a nursing home and not look back!!!!!!!
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kisnersan Jan 2011
When I read the answers to your question I cried and laughed at the same time. I needed a good cry. I have been going through the same accusation and more. I have been accused of taking her clothing, money, and hitting my Mother. In the meantime, no one else in the family is stepping up to say they will take her or even help. I like the Rent-a-Thug idea!!!
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Ask them if they would like to move him into their homes and take over his care for $850 per month. Or advise them you are tired and need to hire aides to assist and how much do they plan to contribute. Even if you put him in an assisted living facility where they accept whatever SS or SSI income he has, they take it all and leave them a pittance for misc expenses. And I've viisted some of those places, and there are no where you would want to leave a family member unless you absolutely had no other option. Assuming they are not complaining about the care or home environment you give him, how dare they open their mouths?
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As long as your father in law was given the best quality of life within your care, anyone else who took a back seat in the situation should be ashamed and humiliated. I have heard of many instances, as well as to myself where this is a common problem to the caregiver. Those who care the least about the ill person worry most about the money!!!! Who was given power of attorney? That person is responsable for finances and if that action wasn't taken, then I'd say to those who took the easy road while you delt with the real problem "where were you when he ate a meal, took a pill, had to bathe, got dressed or went to Dr. etc.?" I am in NJ and I know for a fact that room and board for a mentally ill geriatric patient needing 24/7 care is at least 330.00 a day. 365x330.00 1 year equals 120,450.00 and 850.00x12 equals 10,200.00 SO.... In reality they owe you 110,250.00x5!!!! For those people who sit back and take easy road... I feel they are riddled with guilt and selfishness and the only way they find comfort is to punish the caring soul who handled the situation the only way they could. So don't let them get you down!
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clarise Dec 2010
I agreed with you on that. I am taking care of my mother in law and had to stop working. She gave everything to her daughter's daughter and she thinks she doesn't have to do anything. She says that is not her grandmother just her body. So it's just her son and me to care for her. I feel the same wat you do. It takes a lots to care for someone that has that.
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pltrickey Dec 2010
A nursing home in our area charges 5,000 dollars and up each month . Talk to the clerk at a nursing home and see if they can help you break down the price of different jobs and equipment use . Present this to the kids and tell them that they owe you the difference if they are so unhappy about how you carefully used your father-in-laws money. Do your homework on getting compensation from the estate. Then present this. Hopefully you have proof of what you spent the money on just to show that you used his money well.
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njlynn2 Dec 2010
I don't think you should do anything. Ignore them. They are not worth it, but if you need to do something, sending the bill would be the best, I love it!!

Take care.
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