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I am ashamed to admit that I just lost it on my husband (Early Age Alz) for having "deliberately" peed all over the bathroom floor tonight. Actually lowered his Depends and let loose! I do SOOOO much for him, but he can actually do things himself. Toileting is something he has been mostly good at which is why my B_TCHY self convinced my normal self that he did it on purpose because he was mad at me!


Has anyone dealt with this guilt/anger/devil-on-my-other-shoulder feeling? I know he will forget the incident -- how do I?

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Do you suppose he did this on purpose? Did you even suppose he would do such a thing on purpose?
You are missing something in what this disease is if you think that he would do this to you on purpose. And hey, I know you DON'T miss that; I suspect you don't miss a thing.
And I can imagine you DID lose it, because I would have entered the room and said "J. C., honey, what the H--- did you just DO!!!!" But ultimately I would calm and know HE didn't do it. The condition did it.
Of course there is a devil on the shoulder just waiting to loose itself. That's OK. There is NO ONE more forgiving than someone already in this condition.
Hon, when I had cancer and was getting chemo all those many years ago I knew what my new husband was going through ( maimed sick wife who could just die on him, and hey, this is what he chose for a new wife?) . And when I complained to him once about how I felt so bad complaining at all because I didn't vomit, all my hair didn't fall out, but my mouth tasted like copper pennies and I couldn't eat a thing and I was afraid. ...I began to cry. He said to me
"Why can't you just say 'This is so hard. This is really so hard'?"

So I will ask you his wonderful question:
Why can't you just say: This is SO HARD. This is just SO HARD".
You already know he forgot it. Good on you. One step more and you can forget it yourself. Just say it out loud.
THIS IS SO HARD! And now forget it.
(Though I never forgot his beautiful words to me that day; I never will.31 years ago. It might have been yesterday.).
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Tetertottering Sep 16, 2019
I am thanking you thru my tears. I am a newbie at self-forgivness but a pro at forgiving others. Your words (and his) will be in my head. Thanks!
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I still have a hard time differentiating what my 92 y/o mother with dementia is doing 'for spite' and what she's doing because of her dementia. My rational mind tells me one thing while my emotional heart tells me another thing entirely.

You are not alone with this struggle, dear woman. Forgive yourself and move on. I'd like to say this will be the last time you'll lose it with DH, but it won't be. You're doing your best now, and you'll continue doing your best, even when you have your occasional moments of frustration and aggravation.

Allow yourself to be human. You deserve to be.
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Tetertottering Sep 16, 2019
Thank you for helping find my "snap out of it" button. I was wallowing a bit. You reminded me this path has been tread by many more before me. Good luck to you and yours.
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TG they have short-term memories. And they also are like children. Getting mad at you for the smallest thing and I do think they will do something to get back at you. But, its all part of the Dementia.

I woke up one morning to find my Mom had had explosive diarrhea. The toilet looked like it had thrown up. She had walked back to her chair and sat but trailed it out. TG it was a cheap area rug. We just thru it out. Had to clean up what I could to get her in the b/r for a shower. It took me 3 hrs with pinesol and bleach to clean it up. I was in tears. I hate anything to do with bodily functions. I swore if it happened again, it would be time for a home. Another time I had a small table behind her bathroom door. I went down to find she had done a #2 on it.

Its such a shame that our LOs have to go thru this indignity. They would be so embarrassed and ashamed if they knew what they were doing. It takes a special person to have the patience to get thru this. I am not one of them. And I pray that Mom never really heard me get mad at her.
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gdaughter Sep 17, 2019
EXACTLY! Like children and capable of being spiteful in spite of dementia! It's like the self-censor mechanism is broken. My hope is that I can continue (for now with Dad's help) to have mom at home...but a situation like the above would be dire as mom is one of those who has refused to bathe/shower for over 2 years now ( the time goes so quickly) fortunately there is no extreme odor...but I would never be able to get her in the shower and neither can dad. Nor did any of the private hire aides we tried, who didn't try very hard.
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You are not the first..you are not the last...and anyone that says they have never "lost it" when dealing with a person with dementia, or any caregiving for that matter is out right lying!
Did you ever lose it before he was diagnosed? What did you do then...say you are sorry that you lost your temper. then he probably said..I'm sorry and you gave each other a hug, a kiss and went on with life...
Do the same thing now. Say you are sorry, give him a hug and a kiss. If he is anything like my Husband at this stage he would not hug back but I would on occasion get a kiss..and he loved to hold hands. So that is what I would do when I lost it.
The fact that he could not say he was sorry, the fact that he did not understand why I was upset probably hurt me more than me loosing it. And the fact that I probably frightened him made me even more sad.

Losing it is part of life, part of marriage if you did not love him you would not be upset with yourself.
Forgive yourself
As far as I know the last Perfect person was nailed to a cross ................
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Tetertottering Sep 19, 2019
Thank you and you are right. I did scare him but, get this, he came to "help" and handed me a tissue! I do love ALL of him and miss the part that still peeks out from behind the veil!
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Forgive yourself right now. You are only human. Recognize that you might need a little help.
Even the smallest amount of help will make things easier for you.
Walks. Yoga. Stretching. Meditating. Good sleep. Healthy diet.
All of that helps you which will also help him.
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Tetertottering Sep 16, 2019
One of my greater struggles is "self". I am really having a tough time learning the difference between selfish and NEEDING to do something to help self. Those suggestions are good ones. I will endeavor to make them part of my life. Thanks.
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He will also forget you were annoyed - if only it were that simple for us! You’re a lovely lady dealing with a lot -

Like you i tried to bear in mind that it was the illness and succeeded most of the time - good ironic sense of humour helped!

One thing my father did was expose himself - so I had to forward folk that he might. They were all very good about it. Every time it happened I would just calmly say “you’ve shown us before - put it away’.

it’s frustrating having to clean up - I can get down to floor level but have difficulty getting back up! My father used to pull his pants to one side and pee in the bed every night - as there were only 3 sets of sheets that fitted that special bed I was washing at 2am each night so that there was one on the bed, one drying and one in the wash.

Have a “pummel pillow” to thump and express your ire at - it’s great therapy!

There’s no reason for guilt - you are doing wonders - he’s already forgotten so just put your cross moment down to being a normal human being and move on - caring is stressful enough without feeling guilt over little issues.

i wish you all the very best
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Tetertottering Sep 19, 2019
A pummel pillow sounds like fun!!!! My luck would have it that i would sprain something, but the thought was great. Thanks. Good thoughts for you and yours.
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Oh yes! My dear husband had me up 7 times last night and 10 times the night before. (Roll over x3, drink, roll over x4, pee, roll over...) I was so shocked (and defeated from lack of sleep) that he would do this to me. But then I realized that calling him out for it wasn’t going to help. If I’m going to take my nights back, I had to make the changes.

So, last night, I went to bed right after him rather than 3 hours later. Even though he still called me 7 times, I felt a lot better in the morning. I also called the doctor for a sleeping pill for him. Let’s hope ambient works! If it doesn’t, I’ll have to hire an aide a few nights a week for my own well-being. For me it’s about adjusting to make it work. Can’t change him!
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RNHere Sep 16, 2019
Ambien doesn’t work for everyone. If it doesn’t work for him try a different one.
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Tetertottering, you are so not alone. I just with through something similar with my mother and lost my it with her. I felt very ashamed and I still can't figure out if what she does is to get back at me for something I did or didn't do or is it just the disease! She has always been this way just not to this extent...but can't help but to ask "what kind of person gets mad at a 76 yr old woman with this horrble disease?"
I really have nother to offer except that "I get it" and your not alone! After all we are just human.

Hugs!!!
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gdaughter Sep 17, 2019
Yeah. Sometimes I get so angry and frustrated and it is not just mom with dementia but stubborn dad who is deaf and demanding...and I will take my little love outside (my pup) and curse into the wind and share unpleasant wishes and pray none of our surrounding neighbors can hear me. I feel myself edging ever closer sometimes to the breaking point. It's the little stuff. The taking my newspaper she thinks is hers, reading it, and in spite f dad telling her leave it here...she rips it into pieces and throws it out. It's destroying a windowbox full of plantings I made with handpicked vine etc. Or "trimming" a plant that is growing. Spitting grape skins in the kitchen sink. Putting the heat on in the summer or setting the a/c for 65 LOL. Some days it is just too much.
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I am in a similar situation ( I can't believe how many of these "same" situations I have been involved in. OMG My husband does this in the middle of the night. He rips off the Depends because he says they are uncomfortable and urinates all over the bed. He says he doesn't remember doing it. He just reacts to this. I really do believe him (he has a mild dementia) I do get angry. I have to change him and all the beddings. Our Laundry room is across the courtyard with many doors and steps. This occurs quite often. I too, get angry and start disbelieving that he is not doing it on purpose !  I use vulgar language and then I am ashamed of myself.He also has loose bowel movements at times and it happens many times when we are out. Oh, what a mess !   This is a nightmare and I am doing all I can to keep it all together and you have to do the same. Yes, I find that prayer helps. What good does it do to get so angry, you hate yourself. Just hang in there dear, and do the best you can.  He may not be doing this on purpose and if he is, just be kind and tell him "it's all right"  and you'll see he won't do it again .
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Reply to happy2stitch
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ML4444 Sep 17, 2019
Oh lawdy....please buy him a separate bed and use liners etc (if he is in same bed as you). Maybe there is something more comfortable than Depends on the market. The lovely people on this forum usually give good advice so let’s see what they say! Good luck~
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It is okay. My husband lost it on my mom once when she hit the poor crippled dog for peeing on the floor because of not making it out the door. He yelled. She yelled back. He yelled back. She told him to get out of her house. He said no. I stood in shock and then tried to help the dog. All three, my mom, my husband, and the dog were all shaking. My mom called later and asked if she had had a fight with my husband. I said yes. She couldn't remember what it was about, just the yelling. I told her and she said she was so sorry. He said he was sorry too. And then we all forgot about it because there was just too much to do to worry over this one incident. In the totality of all that goes on with Alzheimers, losing it once in a while can be forgiven. The dog forgave as well.
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Suetillman Sep 18, 2019
Maybe the dog needs to be taken to your house if she is hitting it. I feel sorry for the dog. No one should have a dog if they are going to hit it even if they do it because of mental problems.
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