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This weekend was so bad and I was so sick that I couldn't even feed my husband a decent meal. Not only can he not take care of me, but I couldn't take care of him.

I am wondering about placing him in an Alzheimer's facility. A couple of major problems. He has only moderate dementia and would not do well there because he would be aware of the situation and would beg me to take him home or use his skills to break out!

Another problem is that he has his days and nights turned around. He would want to sit in front of the TV monopolizing the remote control until all hours of the morning. Then sleep late and go back to the television for another 18 hours. He is not difficult as he is sweet and not demanding. But what facility will let him stay up all night? Every night? And you cannot force him to go to sleep. Not even to lay in bed.

A second major problem is affording the facility. They run $5 - 6K a month in this area. We can do it if I sell our house and move into a small apartment and limit my expenses. I have checked everywhere and we do not qualify for VA or anything else. I know that I will have to pay for his care out of our pocket.

I have run out of steam and do not have what it takes to supervise him every moment and meet all his needs. It will take a whole lot of other people.

I plan to go to a financial planner in town to help me look at my finances to see if I can do this long term. I know leaving my house will be difficult, but it is only 4 walls. My family is where my home is. And I plan to be with my sweet husband every day at the facility until bedtime, my bedtime.

What I don't know is how he will handle it - or not. And how they will handle him-or not. And can I handle the guilt and pain of letting go of my life partner. I don't know if he is ready for a facility. I sure know that I am not. It is a very difficult stage to be in.

And previous experience in this situation?

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Can you afford to bring in some help while keeping hubby at home? I know how much I wanted to keep my sweet husband at home with me, and bringing in help extended the period that I could do that.

Does your husband wander? If he is not a wandering risk, I agree that a memory care unit may not be suitable for him, but other kinds of care centers might be. I think the advantage Pam was suggesting about ALF is if you could live there together.

You really can't know how he would react to a care center setting until you've tried it. To the family's great surprise, my mother settled in very well in a nursing home, is participating in activities, eating well, etc. But I can sure see that not everyone has a positive experience.

If you possibly can afford it, I suggest bringing in some help to your home. What I don't recommend is continuing to care for your husband all on your own.
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ALF=Assisted Living Facility. Also called AL
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Hi Pam. What is ALF? The Assisted Living Facilities I have found here are also around $5K per month. But I am going to check out all possible resources before I have to decide. There are really very few facilities here. And they are geared to the upper income population. Only one accepts Medicaid (at $6K per month) and we don't qualify for Medicaid. Thank you for your suggestion. I'm sure I haven't hit all there is.
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You go on tours of Assisted Living facilities and find out which ones take couples. Then you consider your options. We found with mom's SS plus renting her house out was enough to make the ends meet. And by renting it, the principal is never touched, and rents increase over time. A bank would have to pay 12% annual interest to equal that. As long as mom is in ALF and not full on nursing home, we can do this without touching her savings. Talk it over with your financial planner.
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