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I wouldn't have liked this, but I've heard from some people that it works. I think a lot depends on the cognitive abilities of the elder. My instincts tell me that elders need family to help them transition. There are times, however, when it's best to let professionals handle it. I'm not sure what to tell you here. How well do you know this home? Do you know other people who have had loved ones there? If it comes highly recommended from people you trust, I would probably listen to them. If you know nothing about them, I'd be a little more insistent that family was needed for the transition. Go with your gut, I guess. Maybe you can compromise. This is a hard step to take. My heart is with you.
Carol
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I thought you weren't supposed to visit for the first week, so 3 days doesn't seem that bad. Of course she's going to cry, wouldn't you? But that doesn't mean you're not doing the right thing. Don't second guess yourself if this is the best idea for your mom's health and welfare. Just wait the 3 days and bring her something special when you come. Be sure to also bring some family photos for her to keep there. Anything that makes her feel more comfortable, bring it.
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Would you entrust a stranger to look after your cat or dog? I think it is patronising on both you as their daughter and to your Mum.
You need to feel they are clean, caring, and respectful.
My Mother in Law went into a Res Home 18 months ago and is recently deceased, she did not want to be there.....they pacified her with drugs, upping her meds.
This is not right, they need to be listened to, they are often older people who are not so much sick, as unable.
I find Drs, poorly trained and low paid carers in homes aggravating, as they see,
"OLD PEOPLE", and not the individual, God forbid when it is my time, as they
would not have such an easy ride with me, as "take your pills and shut up, dear"!
I think the whole care system needs an overall personally.
You feel the need to visit, you visit! Ruffle their feathers, they will get over it, don't let your Mum feel abandoned, she is not a child, and should not be treated as such.
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Thank you for your answers. The home comes highly recommended from multiple sources. We looked at many. Not visiting is unsettling to my husband and I. There are no other siblings. We know she will be angry and hurt. She does know that she is going there in two days. We want to follow the rules but worry that it will make her angrier. The owner is picking her up from the hospital and taking her there.
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We've just been through this, too. It's so hard to take someone against their will, no matter how necessary for their safety. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time. If it helps at all, my dad was so angry the first couple of days, but then forgot about it (mild dementia) and settled in. He is doing nicely now. It does get easier on the mind to know that a parent is safe. As far as not visiting at the beginning - I don't really buy it, that the same solution is good for everyone. Only you know your mother well enough to decide.
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Probably too late to answer this for you, but I would not go for this. To be picked up by a stranger, taken to a strange place. I might be suspicious by nature but having experienced staff in assisted living and nursing homes, when they start trying to isolate, I start to get suspicious. Don't know your mother's mental state, but if you have a good relationship with her, I don't see how you being there would not reassure her that you are not abandoning her, especially since she knows she is giong there. Doesn't make sense to me. Even to be there to to assure her you will pick up some essentials that might have been missed. I've have felt manipulated when some places suggest I not visit frequently, like they want to convince you that you now have a burden lifted from you and you don't have to check on them b/c they are in good hands.It might be a benefit to them that you are not there b/c they don't want you interfering with their intake rountine, asking questions, making demands but Sorry like to see for myself how they treat a new resident. I've found in places that the day shift doesn't even inform the night shift about the needs, etc of a new person, so that's another reason I stick around. And yes, maybe a person does adjust faster if they think they have been abandoned and must bond with their new caretakers. But as someone mentioned, would you do this to your cat or dog? I took in an abandoned kitten, who was very frightened and ill. After he was well enough, . I brought him to meet my mother in her part of my house he freaked out. But when I stayed there, he saw he would come to no harm and gradulally after a few visits with me there he felt comfortable being left in the room alone with her.
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I figured out that my Mother was very difficult only when I "bossy one" was in her presence, she really cooperates and adjusts better with a person she has no real connection with. So I talked to the staff upon her admission to the NH. Without Mom's knowledge.... she's on a "need to know basis." The staff knows things about her through me, but, Mom dose not 'need to know" I tell them stuff. For Example: she was sneaky about pills, she uses slight of hand to fake out swallowing them. The Nurse commented and thanked me because she saw Mom cupping them in her hand instead of putting them in her mouth. I explained how I know her trix and I am not trying to tell you your job, I just know my Mom, and the goal is her care, we agreed. I help them help Mom. I sometimes saw my Mom, without her knowing I was there. My presence agitated her, so that was not good for anyone. Someone with dementia has trouble with adjusting to surroundings if changed so that in conjunction with a bunch of visitors, who they do not want to see them confused and lost (not themselves) is just adding fuel to a fire. I saw a woman complain one day that her Mom had ice cream all over her shirt. The Mother looked like a happy child until the daughter threw a fit over something her Mother had an ear to ear grin about. In fact the daughters negative emotions triggered a whole room to get agitated, funny thing is My Mom said to me she's a bit--!. She was happy and smiling with her ice cream, who cares if it's on her clothes she's happy. I bring up this point because negative emotions or sympathy are triggers of mood change and stable and happy is the goal.
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