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After 2 plus yrs of caring for my now 90 yr Dad, in his own home in CT, it has come to the time when a change must occur. He has secondary Parkinsonism, and vascular dementia. The house is a very old New England colonial, with steep, narrow steps, and little steps going into rooms all over. It's just no longer practical or safe for him to be here.


In addition to that his dementia is reaching stages that I no longer have the skill, or desire, to deal with. He is belligerent, defiant, angry, and abusive and I am done!


So, a decision has been made to move him to a care facility in VA, which is where my home is. This will require long distance transport, of which I am looking into various professional companies who do this kind of thing, so I don't have to take the risk, and bear the stress, of trying to transport him myself.


The challenge is that Dad will not go willingly. He has made it very clear over the yrs that he will "not go to one of those places." I tried to get him to move to VA when he was able, and he refused that as well. Even before the dementia Dad has not been the easiest person to reason with. Right now he still believes he can take care of himself and I should just go home and leave him be. In addition I have become the absolute enemy because I "put him in the hospital when he fell" and I "made him stay at that awful rehab place" (it was actually a good facility!), I'm the one who took away his cane and his car keys, and of course I am living with him and denying him his independence and freedom. Absolutely no ability to see the reality, or to have any appreciation or gratitude for what I am doing, and what I have given up to be here caring for him. So, our relationship is very strained and he is angry at me all the time. Another reason to place him in a care facility.


Any advice on how to tell him he's going to a care facility, what to say, when to say it, and how?? I've thought about bringing together other members of the family-a niece and a nephew still in the area, and an older cousin that dad likes and respects a lot-so I am not the only one telling him and it it's evident is a family decision, not just mine. Kind of like an intervention. Even so, I suspect he will fight it vehemently. Do we tell him the day he's going? Before so he has time to say goodbye to his home? I'm so confused and stressed about what would be the most dignified, kindest way, in the face of his deepening dementia....

Actually, if his doctor has said he is not competent to make an informed decision and you have POA, you do what you think is best. At this point, its what he needs not what he wants. I think at this point he needs some meds to calm him. I would also ask the Dr if there is something to give him while being transported.

When it was thought my MIL would be transported from FLA to GA (7 to 8 hrs) my SIL found the nicest transport. Looked nothing like an ambulance inside. There was a nice comfortable chair for the person going with my MIL. Cost was about 2K. She passed before we had to use it so don't know how the trip would have been.
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gaiagirlm Sep 4, 2018
Dr is in the process of writing up a determination of mental incompetence, and yes, we will most likely be using something to keep him calm during travel! Once we get him to the care facility and they can observe him 24/7 we'll set up a care plan. We've tried a couple different things with his Dr here at home, but he either decides he won't take it or it doesn't work and then it's months before i can get Dad to agree to get back to the Dr's for an appt. Hopefully we will find a nice mix that doesn't totally dope him out!

I've looked at some transport companies. Expensive, but i think it will be worth it.
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Joanne wrote this in a simular question just today, I've changed it up a bit to reflect your situation ie: she/him, her/he, Mom/Dad, but it made really good sense, so perhaps give this scenario a try:

Sit in front of Dad, look him in the eye and tell him the Doctor says its no longer safe for him to stay in him home. Explain that forgetting to take his meds and not eating or drinking is serious. He could fall and no one is there to help. She needs to be in a Safe place. He will have a nice apartment and make new friends. Have activities she can participate in. Someone will do the cooking, cleanup and cleaning. He can just enjoy being waited on. Tell him if he doesn't like it, then he can go back home (a therapeutic lie). Make him think its his choice. Once he is there, just keep saying he hasn't given it enough time, or the Dr doesn't think it's a good idea.
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gaiagirlm Sep 4, 2018
thanks Stacy. At this point we are planning a family gathering, so i am not the sole person telling him and hopefully he can understand that it is not just me making the decision. Whether he will understand it or not, or believe it's necessary or not, is another story!!

I like the idea of therapeutic lies... i think i can work with that..
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Do you have DPOA? Are his Dr's on board? Are you planning on selling his home to pay for his living expenses going forward. I do not know how this will go for you, but having these (and probably many more) questions decided going forward, definitely need to be established, or you will be in for a bumpy ride I think.

Maybe if you could get his Dr's to write a letter, telling him it is in his best interest, as his Dementia and Parkinson's disease symotoms are only going to worsen with time.

I'm so sorry, this is the hardest time for sure, making those tough decisions, when the LO is in denial, and so angry! Why can they not see that you are doing what's best for them, Sigh.....
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gaiagirlm Sep 4, 2018
I don't know. Stubbornness I suppose. I think in large part it is the generation too.

Yes, I am DPOA and Dr's are on board. As is everyone in the family.

He will be self pay initially and based on my projections we should be good for 5 yrs, and hopefully will not have to sell the house to pay for his care. I'm assuming he won't last that long.
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If his doctors or a court consider him competent he will not have to move. He has the right to live where he wants and how he wants. You may just have to go on your way, leave dad to his own devices and wait for an emergency to happen before you can move him.
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gaiagirlm Sep 4, 2018
This isn't humanely possible. He is barely able to walk, needs help toileting and dressing, can not prepare his own meals, etc. Not an option!
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you may have to learn to start telling white lies. meaning whatever you say, just sugar coat it. or make it into something much better than it is. You may have to tell him its a family vacation, traveling to a resort etc. Do you have POA ?
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gaiagirlm Sep 4, 2018
yes, i am the DPOA, as well as his Health Care Agent.

I have such a hard time with the idea of lying, as he would leave his home not knowing that he will never go back again. I find that heartbreaking and think it would be for him too.
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