After 2 plus yrs of caring for my now 90 yr Dad, in his own home in CT, it has come to the time when a change must occur. He has secondary Parkinsonism, and vascular dementia. The house is a very old New England colonial, with steep, narrow steps, and little steps going into rooms all over. It's just no longer practical or safe for him to be here.
In addition to that his dementia is reaching stages that I no longer have the skill, or desire, to deal with. He is belligerent, defiant, angry, and abusive and I am done!
So, a decision has been made to move him to a care facility in VA, which is where my home is. This will require long distance transport, of which I am looking into various professional companies who do this kind of thing, so I don't have to take the risk, and bear the stress, of trying to transport him myself.
The challenge is that Dad will not go willingly. He has made it very clear over the yrs that he will "not go to one of those places." I tried to get him to move to VA when he was able, and he refused that as well. Even before the dementia Dad has not been the easiest person to reason with. Right now he still believes he can take care of himself and I should just go home and leave him be. In addition I have become the absolute enemy because I "put him in the hospital when he fell" and I "made him stay at that awful rehab place" (it was actually a good facility!), I'm the one who took away his cane and his car keys, and of course I am living with him and denying him his independence and freedom. Absolutely no ability to see the reality, or to have any appreciation or gratitude for what I am doing, and what I have given up to be here caring for him. So, our relationship is very strained and he is angry at me all the time. Another reason to place him in a care facility.
Any advice on how to tell him he's going to a care facility, what to say, when to say it, and how?? I've thought about bringing together other members of the family-a niece and a nephew still in the area, and an older cousin that dad likes and respects a lot-so I am not the only one telling him and it it's evident is a family decision, not just mine. Kind of like an intervention. Even so, I suspect he will fight it vehemently. Do we tell him the day he's going? Before so he has time to say goodbye to his home? I'm so confused and stressed about what would be the most dignified, kindest way, in the face of his deepening dementia....