Over the past three months I have had to call 911 because of a violent outburst resulting in a fall-though not seriously injured, husband was taken by ambulance to the hospital -lots of tests-nothing new-no UTI. Then a few weeks later I was hit harder, called the police. They came, were very respectful and kind, son drove husband to hospital-more tests-no UTI again. The costs of these trips are resulting in enormous insurance co-pays. Bank account overdrawn from mid month on trying to pay bills. His decline is horrific to watch and to deal with every day. His obsessions often result in such anger and threats to me, they are potentially harmful to me, to our two pets and to himself. He demands cigarettes now all day-another thing I cannot afford to provide, drinks coffee all day, fiddles and fidgets with personal items, filling his pockets with everything from his hairbrush, to electric shaver, cigs, misc keys he has found, toothbrush and more. He hides things all over the house then demands that I find whatever he has lost or get something that was "stolen" from him. He thinks I live somewhere else and why so I sleep here? I am a b----, and other ugly names and I should emphatically get out. He expects son to take him back home nights and mornings, thinks he owns multiple house in our community which he wants to sell-has actually called an agent here to find out what the houses are worth. I could go on and on and on, but I know that many of you are having these same experiences. I live in fear, though I reach out to resources, but how do I try to talk with someone when he follows me everywhere now. I am so tired, heartbroken and heart worn, respite grant will be over next month.
Be sure you have the correct forms for the VA. Mine were sent to me by Veteran's Financial. They are an organization that "assists" with the process. They said to fill out the forms and provide all the required documents, and fax or mail it to them for review (VA is VERY picky!) They do not charge us for this "service". I'm not sure who pays them (no one works for free!) but so long as they do not charge us, it is worth working with them (I chose to just mail in the forms without review.)
That said, I do not have a fax (yes, there are places I could pay for this.) First I filed the "intent to file" form with the VA, and another form that grants me limited representative capability, which is supposed to lock in the date (if application is filed within a year and is accepted, payments can go back as far as that "intent" date.) I finally got all the papers together and mailed them. Once I had some time after other issues were taken care of, I called to find out status. I was told it was rejected and a letter was sent. I received NO letter. While on the phone, they said it was the wrong form (21-534EZ) and sent via email the SAME form! By mail I received the letter (vague) and the NEW form (21P-534EZ) BE SURE you are using the correct forms!!
Interesting that the form was ALREADY expired when Veteran's Financial sent it to me (I looked it up in email to check the form # and see that it has an expiration date at the top, which was BEFORE they sent me the forms!) Now I have to fill out this new form... It is 'fillable' online, however every time I try to print it, the bottom of the page is lost, which includes the form ID, so I am resorting to manually filling it in.
There are many ways the VA provides assistance - in our case we are trying to get the survivor's assistance to help with the MC cost. You may be requesting other assistance (in-home care assistance, VA placement, etc.) Be aware there is also a maximum income amount. Depending on how they process it, some of your costs will reduce that income you have and perhaps allow you some assistance. Be very careful how you fill out all the forms and include EVERYTHING!!! In speaking with someone they did indicate that the cost of her placement will likely be considered (her actual income is below the maximum, but we have to supplement SS and pension with feed from a trust fund we set up, which is then included as income. This will eventually run out, but if approved this benefit will extend the life of the trust!)
Also, for your credit card debt - consider consolidation. I would stay away from a bank/CU debt consolidation, as these are considered personal loans with no collateral and the interest rates are ridiculous! There are many cards that offer X months of balance transfer at low or no interest. Some will charge a fee (for us these varied from 3-5% of the balance) for the transfer, but over the life of the term, it can reduce how much interest you are paying! I have made use of these for myself and my son (0 transfer and 0 fee are the best!) Generally for me it was just to extend something to give me a little more breathing room (I pay all cards off each month, except those that were no-fi already - my transfers were always the no fee no int ones, so I just extended the 'term'. My son was paying over 20% in interest, so whatever transfer I did for him, even with minimal interest or up-front fee, saved him most of that interest! He just makes payments to my cards, and is good at doing it.) The only caveat is beware of those that will back-charge you if you do not pay off the balance by the end of the term. Some do, some do not. Stay away from those that do, just in case you get behind for other costs that pop up and be sure to make at least the minimum payment each month to avoid other charges. If you find some offers, CALL each one and ask many questions. It is best to make enough payments each month to pay the balance in time (BAL/months), because paying the minimum will not do it! If need be, a few here and there can revert to less if other payments come up, but you can make up for that later! Just be sure that payment is at least the minimum! Even with the up-front fee cards, the savings in interest over the life of the term will offset that considerably!
EDIT: ** IF you do this and IF something impedes your ability to pay it off before the end of the term, you can always resort to another balance transfer - just be sure any costs associated with the new transfer are less than the interest you might pay on the remaining balance.
For Medicare - I forget what the rules are regarding supplemental or advantage plans (they may require sign up at the onset, I'm not sure - I signed up because I know Medicare only covers so much, and does not cover some things, even though so far I have only used the yearly physical and take no meds.) If you can still sign up for one of these, even though it would increase your monthly cost, it would cover so much more and reduce or eliminate some of the deductibles, co-pays and non-covered costs you are incurring. Depending on income, sometimes you can get this subsidized. It cannot hurt to ask.
That's with her meds!
If we up the dose, she sleeps all day and her geriatric psychiatrist prefers not to heavily medicate. It takes three well trained, strong, professionals just to dress and clean her up.
I'd be scared she'd break my nose or worse.
Her nursing home is a godsend, they take this in stride.
I still visit everyday.
I like to check on her and I bring toiletries and little goodies.
I decorate her room for each holiday. It's filled with Easter bunnies now.
I'm involved in her care, but now I'm safe and so is she.
A social worker might have suggestions for how to do the medicaid application, but not always - they may not have the resources, they might just send you for counseling (not all SWs are alike!) APS might also be of assistance, however in other posts I have read they can be less than useful. It cannot hurt to try either option - one of them may be able to point you to a low cost Elder Care attorney (you do not want just a run of the mill attorney.)
Meanwhile, what can be done to protect you? Is it possible for your son to stay with him until another arrangement can be made? Can his PCP recommend psych eval/ward for assessment? Do his outbursts mainly happen later in the day, say late afternoon into the evening or are they all day (this can be sundowning.) Has anyone, PCP or ER recommended medication (I'm not a big fan of meds, BUT your safety comes first!)?
All those little odd things he does clearly is part of the dementia (rummaging, stashing, hiding, accusations of stealing, etc), but the outbursts are more than likely part of this as well, and needs to be addressed ASAP. Some people with earlier stages of dementia are very good at hiding this - show-timers allows them to appear much more normal than usual, for short periods. A visit to the ER is likely one of those times - he is not observed long enough for this behavior to come out and is likely on his "best" behavior in front of others. Also, ER docs have to be more of a GP, try to rule out normal medical issues. A specialist is needed in this case, to test, monitor and plan some kind of treatment (no, dementia cannot be treated, but some of the symptoms can be addressed, like the violent outbursts.)
Again, first things first is you need to be in a safe place. If that is not possible, at the least be aware of when these flare ups are imminent and leave the room or go outside, whatever you can to distance yourself! You will be of no use to him or anyone if he injures or kills you!
Do NOT feel bad for your thoughts! You have been ABUSED. You need to take care of yourself and not focus on him. You are NOT meant to witness his life and be grateful, nor be his whipping post. It is your responsibility to see that he's evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist or neurologist at the hospital, then placed at a facility that can care for him with his violent outbursts.
At 83, he should have Medicare. If so, are you paying the 20% that Medicare doesn't cover? You possibly would qualify for Medicaid/Medi-Cal, since your income is low.
If you take your husband to the hospital and have him evaluated, a social worker will apply for Medicaid or Medi-Cal for your husband and find immediate emergency placement after he has a psychiatric evaluation. Tell them that he has hit you and you fear for your life.
Do NOT stay with him. Please act soon. You don't have to have money to get him into a facility. It will all be arranged by the hospital.
You can get the hospital to set up a payment plan for what you already owe. It may be excused by the new insurance. Please check out the resources mentioned or ask the social worker to assist you in applying for insurance assistance. Do NOT feel guilt for trying to help him and yourself.
Guessing you are in California. Why don't you go to coveredca dot com? On that home page on the right hand side, is a tab for "Medi-cal Information" If you click on that it will take you to a page with more info and a link to apply for benefits online! It's a place to begin, and might mean you are not paying for all these ER visits and tests.
Don't get me wrong - I agree with others on this forum that you must get him out of your house asap! But this will allow you to take him to doctors for evaluation and medication without fearing the bills, and perhaps get on that waiting list for placement for your husband. Meanwhile, they may adjust his meds enough to eliminate the violence, I don't know. Worth a try. You are obviously experiencing severe financial strain from this situation, and if that could be eased, perhaps you could deal with the rest of the issues with a lighter heart.
If you find a way to remove him from your home sooner, do so. If he has another episode and hurts you, take him to the hospital and do not pick him up again! You have a right to live safely. I know it's easier for the hospital to send him home with you - whether they must guilt you into it, or imply you're legally obligated, but I suggest you stand firm & do not bring him home with you. Try not to think of it as abandoning him - think of it as caring for both of you. You will finally be safe without him in the home, and he will finally get the care he needs. It's a win-win. Especially if he has the Medi-cal or other benefits - it'll be easier for the hospital to place him in a facility. It's a place to start.
Good luck and you'll be in my prayers.
Your life appears to be in danger. Calling the EMTs and telling the hospital that he needs a psychiatric evaluation and that you can't care for or him? Has that not triggered an in patient eval?
Now to address your financial strain-I do not know if 1934 is your birth year. If it is, have you applied for Medicare Supplemental? That is really none of my business. You may be able to get "on the cheap" legal advice through a legal clinic.
God Bless you and your family, and healing for your husband.
Dementia damages portions of the brain, it can be different in each person. It may also depend greatly on the type/cause of dementia. With certain types of dementia violence is common. And with some types of dementia medication can be a difficult thing to adjust. The correct type of dementia must be diagnosed.
When my Husband was diagnosed I said I would keep him at home as long as it was safe for me to do so. That was safe for him and for me. If he had become violent I would not have been able to handle him so as much as I loved him, as much as I wanted him home it would not have been possible. After all who would care for him if he were to hurt me so that I had to be hospitalized or if he killed me? He would have had to be placed in a Memory Care facility at that point anyway. So better my choice and I would have been able to visit. Luckily I never had to make that choice.
so while we all want to keep our loved ones at home sometimes for their safety or ours the decision is removed from hour hands.
His Doctor needs to know about the violent outbursts so he can be properly medicated for his safety as well as everyone else's