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Over the past three months I have had to call 911 because of a violent outburst resulting in a fall-though not seriously injured, husband was taken by ambulance to the hospital -lots of tests-nothing new-no UTI. Then a few weeks later I was hit harder, called the police. They came, were very respectful and kind, son drove husband to hospital-more tests-no UTI again. The costs of these trips are resulting in enormous insurance co-pays. Bank account overdrawn from mid month on trying to pay bills. His decline is horrific to watch and to deal with every day. His obsessions often result in such anger and threats to me, they are potentially harmful to me, to our two pets and to himself. He demands cigarettes now all day-another thing I cannot afford to provide, drinks coffee all day, fiddles and fidgets with personal items, filling his pockets with everything from his hairbrush, to electric shaver, cigs, misc keys he has found, toothbrush and more. He hides things all over the house then demands that I find whatever he has lost or get something that was "stolen" from him. He thinks I live somewhere else and why so I sleep here? I am a b----, and other ugly names and I should emphatically get out. He expects son to take him back home nights and mornings, thinks he owns multiple house in our community which he wants to sell-has actually called an agent here to find out what the houses are worth. I could go on and on and on, but I know that many of you are having these same experiences. I live in fear, though I reach out to resources, but how do I try to talk with someone when he follows me everywhere now. I am so tired, heartbroken and heart worn, respite grant will be over next month.

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Have you talked to the ER personnel about his violent behavior? That he's a danger to you?

Have you asked about an involuntary psychiatric hold?
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She1934,
You must NOT have him in your home.
Have your son take him to ER for being physically violent with you and altered mental status. 

Ask for a hospital social worker to get APS (Adult Protective Services) involved.

Let them run tests but demand that he is seen by a geriatric psychiatrist or neurologist. He needs a mental evaluation.
IT WAS WRONG OF THE HOSPITAL TO DISCHARGE HIM HOME TO YOU KNOWING HE HAS PHYSICALLY HURT YOU!

Tell the social worker you are scared for your life and WILL NOT let him back in your home. Have your son state that his father has been abusive with you both. Tell them he needs to be placed and that YOU WILL NOT TAKE HIM HOME NOR ALLOW HIM BACK IN AND WILL GET THE POLICE INVOLVED AGAIN AT THE HOSPITAL.
They will be forced to have him evaluated and placed in a facility.
Tell your son to say that he has small children in his home and he would fear for their safety so he can't take his father to his house either.
You must be firm with the hospital. They will try to get you to let him go home. Tell them you've filed police reports of your abuse and are fearful that he'll kill you. They will HAVE to act.
Please do this today and let us know how it went. I'm so sorry for your situation. I'll pray for all of you.
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Yes to what Sue said; plus don't do what too many women do and start telling themselves, once help has arrived, that the attack wasn't that bad and everything is okay now.

Everything is not okay; and won't be until your husband receives the care he needs not to be a danger to you, to himself, and to others. When you're talking to officials, stay in the moment when your husband was attacking you - that's the situation that needs addressing.
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This is domestic abuse. You need to get him put some where you are safe. He needs to be in a residential facility that can handle this kind of behavior.
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I totally agree with jagger! When you are in it; you can't see how bad. It will be safer for both, no guilt.
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The hospital should have held him if they knew he was violent. If they didn't know, make sure they know next time. If they don't hold him ask for a social worker. Better yet don't wait ask family to help you connect with a social worker or call adult protective services. This will probably result in major changes in his or your living arrangements. Be prepared. Also make sure his doctor knows. Maybe a medication adjustment is in order. ER visits dont always result in better care, but are good for documentation, referrals, etc.. Our experiences at the ER were useless until we met a doctor who understood completely the battles of caregiving. He was a godsend.
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You have read the above and I can not add much to it at all other than you need to find placement for him ASAP.
His Doctor needs to know about the violent outbursts so he can be properly medicated for his safety as well as everyone else's
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Yes to Sue and all who agree with her. You must get adult protective services involved. Also, it will be stressful for you and your son, so both of you plan to get some counseling. You must protect yourself and your grandchildren.
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Yes. I would. It would be a way to document the severity and frequency so as to force a better living arrangement or better medications. Don't silently suffer.
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This behavior is common with dementia, my husband has outbursts a few times a week. There is medication to calm him down (his has to be upped soon) I'm "lucky" he is also unable to get around on his own so when he starts I just walk away until he calms down. Talk to Dr about getting meds, worth a chance. Have you ever been with someone in one of those places? I wouldn't put that on anyone.
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Does his doctor recommend a med that would lower his anxiety? If there is none, I would definitely have a meeting with your son, explain thoroughly what is going on ( he probably knows) and consider having your husband placed in a facility that could handle him better than you are trying to do. If money is an issue, consult a senior lawyer as to what would be expected from you financially such as how it would affect the selling of your home, etc. You have more rights than you know. I was a nurse in a facility where our patients were put on meds that calmed their belligerent behavior. I fear for your life and I would definitely do something that would get you out of harms way.
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That he has done to you what he has done is purely despicable. It does not matter in the least WHY he does these things. The fact is he is abusing you and you CANNOT ALLOW THAT NO MATTER WHAT. You don't have to live in fear. Get together with your doctor and adult protective services. YOU MUST FIND A PLACE TO PUT HIM IN AT ONCE. Your safety mentally and physically is at stake, same for the pets. DO NOT LET HIM STAY THERE. Good luck.
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I just answered this question but it disappeared so I am writing again.
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Keep in mind that the man you married is no longer that person.
Dementia damages portions of the brain, it can be different in each person. It may also depend greatly on the type/cause of dementia. With certain types of dementia violence is common. And with some types of dementia medication can be a difficult thing to adjust. The correct type of dementia must be diagnosed.
When my Husband was diagnosed I said I would keep him at home as long as it was safe for me to do so. That was safe for him and for me. If he had become violent I would not have been able to handle him so as much as I loved him, as much as I wanted him home it would not have been possible. After all who would care for him if he were to hurt me so that I had to be hospitalized or if he killed me? He would have had to be placed in a Memory Care facility at that point anyway. So better my choice and I would have been able to visit. Luckily I never had to make that choice.
so while we all want to keep our loved ones at home sometimes for their safety or ours the decision is removed from hour hands.
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My mother and R.N., my dad a cop was a lifetime Alcoholic until his death 20 yrs ago. This story goes back to 1967 or 68. Dad was drunk, took one swipe at my mother, she gave him 15 minutes to leave, or said she'd call police. There were 5 kids under 10 at home. She NEVER let him back in the house. Please consider your own safety and take a firm stand, once Abusers start Abusing, IT NEVER ENDS. Prayers for all of you. I leave you with you are an individual who must put your own safety first.
God Bless you and your family, and healing for your husband.
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This isn’t a typical domestic violence situation, but in some respects you MUST treat it as such. Your physical safety is paramount!! He isn’t choosing to treat you this way. Please recognize that his brain is broken, and he is no longer in control of himself. He deserves to get the help he needs to keep himself and others SAFE. Call APS or his neurologist or a lawyer TODAY. Be pro-active; do not wait for another crisis. Find out what his treatment options are. You cannot help your husband if you are hospitalized with injuries or worse. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!!! You are getting him the MEDICAL CARE he needs and deserves. That is the most loving act anyone can do for him right now. PLEASE keep yourself and others safe.
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Get him out of your house NOW - or you may end up dead next time he has an outburst. He has become a danger to himself and others. (I am a psych nurse by training.) Others have already offered great suggestions to you; please consider them.
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I'm glad you reached out and vented here. You are in a difficult situation and many of us here with loved ones with dementia have been there, too.
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Good grief! This is a domestic violence situation that needs to be remedied STAT! You CANNOT or SHOULD NOT continue in the present situation. Something MUST change, else persons will quite likely be injured. Please get Adult Protective Services involved right away. HAVE YOUR SON TAKE HIM TO THE HOSPITAL NOW. MOST HOSPITALS HAVE PSYCH WARDS AND HE NEVER SHOULD HAVE BEEN DISCHARGED FROM THE HOSPITAL!!! WHAT IS INDISPUTABLE IS THAT UNLESS ACTION IS TAKEN, SOMEONE WILL BE INJURED!!
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Our state has a secure facility for violent dementia patients, and has had serious problems with patient-on-patient assault and murder. Please don't try to overlook the risks you are running. You would not have loved and married him if he had behaved like this originally, and you would have left him if this happened years ago. You cannot be responsible for and to the man he has become. If he kills you, it will destroy him and everyone else in your family. Be brave and strong and DO SOMETHING.
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Let me add that he may be "all roses and candy to you." Don't fall for this! It is nothing more than a sham to win your affection back. How do I know this? Answer=because I have a friend who is a victim of domestic violence. Her ex live-in boyfriend bashed her head in with his boot! She called 9-1-1 and survived the attack, which was witnessed by their 4 children.
Now to address your financial strain-I do not know if 1934 is your birth year. If it is, have you applied for Medicare Supplemental? That is really none of my business. You may be able to get "on the cheap" legal advice through a legal clinic.
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I truly appreciate the caring answers, but I have absolutely no financial resources except for enough to pay most of the bills and for the supplies and food and cigarettes and one a day beer he demands. Anybody priced even the cheapest pack of cigarettes recently??- $7 a pack with all of the taxes. Before this illness took over he smoked 1-2 a day, now it's 1 about every 1/2 hour, and his cardiologist says not to fight it bacause he's 83 and has lost so much already. I simply do not have the energy to keep him occupied all day every day. Nothing holds his attention for any length of time except trying to work crossword puzzles, with my help, which I encourage or watching parts of basketball, golf and tennis. Once he gets the least bit bored he wanders around hiding his personal belongings and the gets very agitated when he cannot find them I try to keep track of some of his hiding places, but he finds new ones. He wants ice cream, yogurt, lemon bars, cereal, cookies and wonders when the next meal will be ready.  I, like many of you,  could go on and on about His behaviors and the fear the he will get out of control and hit me out of frustration, thus sending him back to the ER and accumulating more charges. Placing him anywhere is not an option without assistance from family, only one of whom has any money at all and feels that her monthly visits with her two dogs is sufficient. That saddest thing of all is that I no longer have any feelings except pity for this man I once adored. I cannot stand for him enven brush against me, but I hug him good night and pat him and rub his arm or back to try to reassure him throughout the day. I am being told that if he were to qualify for placement via medi-cal or medi-caid, that the waiting period for any place (bed), anywhere near us or even in the state is lengthy. I guess that is why we seniors are being told that we "live too long". Familie's are so spread out and so involved in their own lives, which I know, is as it should be, but there is no option of family care. There are moments when I feel that taking care of him, of witnessing his life, is something I am meant to do, and that I should be grateful for the opportunity, and then I just want to walk away into the night, believing that his family would come to his rescue. Forgive me for these thoughts.
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Why is not Medicaid an option?
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Are you in the US?

Your life appears to be in danger. Calling the EMTs and telling the hospital that he needs a psychiatric evaluation and that you can't care for or him? Has that not triggered an in patient eval?
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I have been hit, scratched called everything but a child of God. My wife was falling several month ago and E R s were routine. No one cares about the person who brings in the patient, just the patient. I did have double pneumonia and drove both of us to ER. While waiting in the exam room my wife had a low sugar and grabbed a nurse as she was going down, I was able to explain diabetic to nurse and they reacted real quick with peanut butter crackers and soda and got her back. I am 70 and she is 69 . Some retirement.
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I had a friend in a beautiful place with great food and caring staff, I would live there in a minute, but special assistance was all extra and it was a very expensive place. She then went to a memory care home with only 8 patients, nice but less active and also very expensive. Another friend has been shocked at the quality of care that was listed as "affordable" and they have found nothing better or at all affordable and all of their "long term care insurance" coverage, after 8 years is gone.
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Hi She1934,
Guessing you are in California. Why don't you go to coveredca dot com? On that home page on the right hand side, is a tab for "Medi-cal Information" If you click on that it will take you to a page with more info and a link to apply for benefits online! It's a place to begin, and might mean you are not paying for all these ER visits and tests.
Don't get me wrong - I agree with others on this forum that you must get him out of your house asap! But this will allow you to take him to doctors for evaluation and medication without fearing the bills, and perhaps get on that waiting list for placement for your husband. Meanwhile, they may adjust his meds enough to eliminate the violence, I don't know. Worth a try. You are obviously experiencing severe financial strain from this situation, and if that could be eased, perhaps you could deal with the rest of the issues with a lighter heart.
If you find a way to remove him from your home sooner, do so. If he has another episode and hurts you, take him to the hospital and do not pick him up again! You have a right to live safely. I know it's easier for the hospital to send him home with you - whether they must guilt you into it, or imply you're legally obligated, but I suggest you stand firm & do not bring him home with you. Try not to think of it as abandoning him - think of it as caring for both of you. You will finally be safe without him in the home, and he will finally get the care he needs. It's a win-win. Especially if he has the Medi-cal or other benefits - it'll be easier for the hospital to place him in a facility. It's a place to start.
Good luck and you'll be in my prayers.
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She,
Do NOT feel bad for your thoughts! You have been ABUSED. You need to take care of yourself and not focus on him. You are NOT meant to witness his life and be grateful, nor be his whipping post. It is your responsibility to see that he's evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist or neurologist at the hospital, then placed at a facility that can care for him with his violent outbursts.

 At 83, he should have Medicare. If so, are you paying the 20% that Medicare doesn't cover? You possibly would qualify for Medicaid/Medi-Cal, since your income is low.

If you take your husband to the hospital and have him evaluated, a social worker will apply for Medicaid or Medi-Cal for your husband and find immediate emergency placement after he has a psychiatric evaluation. Tell them that he has hit you and you fear for your life.

Do NOT stay with him. Please act soon. You don't have to have money to get him into a facility. It will all be arranged by the hospital.

You can get the hospital to set up a payment plan for what you already owe. It may be excused by the new insurance. Please check out the resources mentioned or ask the social worker to assist you in applying for insurance assistance. Do NOT feel guilt for trying to help him and yourself.
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As some have said, this is not traditional domestic violence, but it is violence nonetheless. An Elder Care attorney could help, but it is not cheap and with your limited funds you may have to try to find one who can provide services with low or no cost. This person would help you navigate protecting your home, assets, etc and get you through the Medicaid process.

A social worker might have suggestions for how to do the medicaid application, but not always - they may not have the resources, they might just send you for counseling (not all SWs are alike!) APS might also be of assistance, however in other posts I have read they can be less than useful. It cannot hurt to try either option - one of them may be able to point you to a low cost Elder Care attorney (you do not want just a run of the mill attorney.)
Meanwhile, what can be done to protect you? Is it possible for your son to stay with him until another arrangement can be made? Can his PCP recommend psych eval/ward for assessment? Do his outbursts mainly happen later in the day, say late afternoon into the evening or are they all day (this can be sundowning.) Has anyone, PCP or ER recommended medication (I'm not a big fan of meds, BUT your safety comes first!)?

All those little odd things he does clearly is part of the dementia (rummaging, stashing, hiding, accusations of stealing, etc), but the outbursts are more than likely part of this as well, and needs to be addressed ASAP. Some people with earlier stages of dementia are very good at hiding this - show-timers allows them to appear much more normal than usual, for short periods. A visit to the ER is likely one of those times - he is not observed long enough for this behavior to come out and is likely on his "best" behavior in front of others. Also, ER docs have to be more of a GP, try to rule out normal medical issues. A specialist is needed in this case, to test, monitor and plan some kind of treatment (no, dementia cannot be treated, but some of the symptoms can be addressed, like the violent outbursts.)

Again, first things first is you need to be in a safe place. If that is not possible, at the least be aware of when these flare ups are imminent and leave the room or go outside, whatever you can to distance yourself! You will be of no use to him or anyone if he injures or kills you!
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I agree with everything that has been said in this post. However, I would like to emphasize, as has been stated, this is not the man you married. I have had to remind myself that my 95 year old father is not the daddy I grew up with and love and who never in his life was violent. He has dementia and there have been times I have been threatened. I finally called a hospice nursing service and they have him much improved with medication. Maybe medication will take care of your problem. I hope you both can find the help you need and believe me, the help is there.
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