My mother is probably in the mid-stage of dementia and my dad and I are beyond frustrated with her. For the past 5 or 6 months, she has been repeatedly calling the sheriff about us not allowing her to use the phone, we are withholding food, we are trying to get rid of her, ect. Her latest and greatest idea is taking my dad's cellphone and not giving it back. The last time the sheriff was here and mom wouldn't give dad his phone back, the sheriff got a little short with her and literally said "just give him the damn phone." In late July, she was pink slipped when she decided to lock me out of the house without my epilepsy medication. My sister had to call the sheriff and explain that my mom had dementia and I was locked out without my medication. But every time she ends up in a behavioral health unit, they get her stable enough and just cuts her loose and my dad keeps bringing her home knowing that it is going to be 1 or 2 good days with boat loads of bad days. The bad days are yelling, screaming and being snippy with us. My dad had guardianship and this past week has been calling some places and these places keep telling us that she is not "bad enough" for memory care but she can do assisted living. We know that assisted living isn't a good fit for her. My sister and I are angry at our father for taking her home every time instead of pushing for placement for her. She can walk, talk, cook a little bit, obviously use a phone, dress herself and shower but the forgetting and the anger isn't good. She does get physically aggressive with us and my dad and I always keep our cellphones away from her. Since I do work and don't drive, my cellphone is a life line in case I don't have a ride to or from work. Every time my dad or I had to call the paramedics because she won't take her medication and begins with aggressive behavior, the doctor that they have to call doesn't think she is bad enough and they can't make her go. My dad had to run to the courthouse to get a paper saying he is the guardian. One of the paramedics said he believed that my dad does have guardianship but without the paperwork, thier hands are tied with taking her. What can we really do at this point, wait until she gets aggressive and tries to corner someone?
When my dad was agitated with similar dementia behavior, his neurologist prescribed Seroquel.
It was ground up and put in two or three tablespoons of pudding or applesauce. (Swallowing pills was becoming difficult for him at this point.) It helped immensely, and Ativan or Haldol were given, as needed.
My dad never had an official diagnosis, never took any tests to determine type, but his dementia was more than evident and the meds helped.
I hope you can find something that works for you and your family.
When she starts up with you and your father, give it right back to her in spades.
I have told the following story many times and I'm telling it once more for you.
Years back I was a staff supervisor at a very nice AL facility. We had people with dementia who exhibited some of the 'behaviors'. One woman would every time I passed by her loudly say, "There goes that fat b*tch". I ignored her for a long time and mind you I heard this several times a day, every day.
One day I walked by and she said it again. Only I didn't continue walking. I stopped, backed her up against the wall (did not put my hands on her) and got right in her face and said: "What did you say to me?". She got very flustered and claimed she didn't say anything. I then told her: "That's what I thought".
The woman never made the 'fat b*tch' comment ever again and I worked there for another two years.
This is how you and your father have to start dealing with your mother now.
As for her refusing to take her medications. Talk to her doctor and ask him if it's possible to drug her food and drinks with her medication. If she gets aggressive ask the doctor to prescrible some liquid lorazepam and put it in her drink, or open her mouth and put it right under her tongue. She's not calling the shots here anyore, you and your father are. So if it's your father's intention and yours to keep her home, you will have to make having her home tolerable for you both. If this means drugging her without her knowledge, that's what you do. You can also force her to go to adult daycare to give your father a break. Or hire an old-school aide like myself before I went into business to stay with her so your father doesn't have to watch her 24/7 like an unpleasant, ill-behaved, adult-sized toddler.
Do not allow her unsupervised access to any phone or computer. If you don't make the home situation tolerable, she will have to be placed.
You should also have a Plan B in place to put her in memory care. Get her on some waiting lists in case you need to place her.
That's enough. No more negotiating with the police or jumping down the asinine dementia rabbit holes.
Dementia does not 'stabilize'. Your mother likely also has mental illness.
What you and your father are going to have to do is the next time she's acting up (it's too late to do it now), call the police on her and tell them she's threatening the two of you and that she's threatening to hurt herself. This sounds a bit harsh, but you should escalate things a little bit and really get her going. When the police arrive they will take her to the hospital against her will.
Your father can refuse to take her back home and tell him that he cannot and will not provide care for her anymore. The hospital will put her in a memory care facility because there's already a dementia diagnosis.
Her calling the police so much will help with getting her placed in a care facility. Your father has to stay strong and not allow her to come home next time.
Tell the discharge planner that it is unsafe for her to be discharged to home. (Begin this conversation before the day of discharge)
She needs a actual diagnosis from a neurologist and possibly from a neuropsychologist. What you are describing is not "typical" Alzheimer's it sounds like there is possibly another diagnosis to go with the Alzheimer's.
If she is getting physical with your dad, you and your sister she needs to be stabilized before any facility will accept her.
She probably should NOT go to Assisted Living as they will not be able to get her to take her medications any more than you can. This will result in violence, hospital and being asked to leave the facility. The same would probably happen in Memory Care. (A Court order for involuntary treatment could be issued so medication could be given if a facility wanted to do that.)
But it sounds like you need a current, accurate diagnosis
Do you have a formal diagnosis from a neurologist?
You need that, so you can get the right meds.
Your PCP should refer you to Neuro to get an appointment.
The test is a 3 hour verbal test that will map her brain and pinpoint the source of the dementia.
Also, meds do need adjusted over time as the disease progresses to keep the voices and visuals under control.
Just make sure that the assisted living facility has a memory care unit attached so that when the time comes that she in fact does need it, it will be a smooth transition for her.
So I wish your father well in finding the right assisted living facility for your mother.
AL will not tolerate this kind of trouble-maker. We had a few like this in the AL I worked in. The ones who called the police all the time, the yelling and screaming. Physical aggression too towards other residents and property.
We had one who should have been in memory care long before she was. This woman was very fit and if you saw her and didn't know, you'd think she really had it together. She used to get very violent and aggressive. One day she threw a lamp through the front window of out facility, smashed up everything in her room, and hit me in the face.
Luckily, the maintenance guys were in the building doing work and helped. She had to be held down by two grown men, then zip-tied to chair until the police and paramedics got there. She was not allowed to return to our facility. The hospital and her family had to get her somewhere else and they did.
Have anyone from the memory care places you've contacted done an in-person evaluation on her? They may be hesitant to take her if she is a possible threat to other residents, so she needs consistent use of medications that will reduce the behaviors.
Your dad needs to keep his guardianship paperwork somewhere accessible, but also safe so that your mother can't rip it up. The next time your mother goes to the hospital or psychiatric unit, your dad needs to stay strong and tell them that she cannot be released safely. See if you can get a MC placement lined up for them to take her to directly, via medical transport.
I'm very sorry you're all going through this. It sounds so extremely exhausting and frustrating.