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I am very frustrated. My father passed a while back & my mom has lived with us since. It's definitely hard b/c she's very codependent (lived with an alcoholic 40+ years). I am the last child of the family and left home ASAP when I turned 18. I could not stand to live around the alcoholism & dysfunctions that go along with that. Well, I was out of the house 7 years and that's when she moved in with us. She is financially irresponsible and will gamble or give all her money away. She was lending family members 600+ or probably more monthly and would not get it back. She is an impulsive buyer and does not believe in saving. She does not have health insurance & does not have life either. My husband and I pay for everything but for some reason she still ends up broke & overdrawn at the end of the month. At this point I do not know what to do. Any conversation I have had with her of getting her own place is interpreted as, "you don't love me, you hate me, you don't care". I have a sister who will not even think of taking her in. My mom is physically healthy & capable of managing her own household but does not want to. I'm just tired of this situation & would like to continue on with my own life. I have tried to talk about finances & helping her create a budget and have talked to her many many times about saving & buying herself things & self care. This goes in one ear & out the other. She complains that she has not bought herself anything in "forever" that she cries saying she was finally able to buy pants. She brings in nearly 3k a month (retirement, social security, my dad's pension) and does not pay for a single thing. What can I do? Please help, I feel like I'm stuck in a revolving door trying talking to the glass that just does not get it. :(

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Why did you decide to have her move in with you? Find her a new living situation. She is not your sole responsibility. Send an email out to all of your siblings (or do a free conference call) and let them know your intentions. Give your Mom a deadline.
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Hope to follow & learn from this "thread", I 'm in a simular situation, and in way over my head, can;t tell what's "manniputive", onset dementia, just a "game" that mom likes to play, but we are at wits end & beyond,,,,like the idea of bringing in the "sibblings", However, based on my experience, if they had chosen to be involved, we /I , wouldn't be in the current situation....Best advice that I have, (easier said than done), try not to bite the bait...An older parents focus is ONLY on them, they fell "entitled" & at best, unfortuantly you & your husband will be unnoticed collateral damage...either a "martyer" or an "idiot" for taking on a resposibilty. My version is, if not me than who?...I saw & never questioned a " choice", but am still early in the process to offer sage advice in/out of the nitemare result, for doing the right thing...PLEASE keep me on this thread...I need the same advice
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There is a thread somewhere on this site of a woman successfully evicted her mom; not pleasant reading, but instructive. You need to have a life so you don't end up in her shoes.
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Sounds like your Mother has a pretty good thing going with living with you. Why would she want to move. If not then tell her she must pay. This is just CRAZY. Bye -bye and we can have dinner a couple times a week out and have her pay. Your Mother needs to be around people her own age , maybe find a mate. She's still not that old. You've been way too kind to her and she's taken total advantaged of your kind heart. I'm sure has Medicare and let her get some other kind to protect her. She has money. Plus what about her savings since you said she does not pay a dime to YOU? She's a free loader and has you feeling Bad for Her. Toughen Up and give her marching orders.
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Holy cow! I am 68 years old. My husband died 6 months ago. I am reasonably healthy, except for depression and diabetes (both being treated). How come I don't get to go freeload on one of my kids? How come they don't provide my meals and my entertainment and my lodging while I can do whatever I want with my retirement income?

How come? Because all of my children are smart, independent, loving, and reasonable adults. None of them would put up with my whining two days (if I could stand to do it that long).

You realize, don't you, that Mom may live another 30 years. Is this how you want to spend the next two or three decades?

You don't need to convince your mother. You don't need for her to "get it." You simply need to set a realistic deadline for when she has to be out. Offer to help her find a place, if she wants your help. But one way or another she must be out by such-and-such a date. Don't fall for the "You don't love me" crap. Many a parent has heard that from a child, "All my friends get to do this. You don't love me!" "If you really cared you'd buy me my own car," etc. etc. Responsible parents don't allow themselves to be blackmailed this way. You shouldn't, either.

Was she always self-centered?

How you talk to her is in plain, unemotional English, repeating yourself as often as necessary. "Mom, this arrangement is not working out. Hubby and I need our privacy back. We were happy to give you a little time to get back on your feet, and now it is time for you to find a place of your own. We expect you to be out of here by the end of July."
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That is a tough one to say the least, but I do agree that she is taking full advantage of the situation. Are there any type of singles clubs, or other type of activities in your area that you can introduce her to. The reason why I ask is maybe if she were to get involved in a couple of these areas she may find someone else to add to her life. The only other option is to sit her down and speak with her calmly and tell her how you feel and the collateral damage it is causing your family. Or that it is getting to be a financial burden, that she is really has to pull her own wait. If she were living on her own she would have to be more responsible. This is a sensitive situation and I really feel that honesty is going to be your best weapon of choice. Good luck
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Is your mom alcoholic? If she is she needs to find her way to get some help. First things first. If she is codependent and not alcoholic, she needs to get some help. A great deal of problems will resolve naturally from getting help in these areas. She is healthy, great. If she is depressed from her husband's death, get her to a pyschiatric np for help. I would sit down and have a talk with her, it is not healthy for you and your marriage to have her there. She has a healthy monthly income and you can help her get set up in senior housing if she wants that but with her income she should be fine to get a regular apartment. She gave you life, that does not mean you have to give her yours. Time to let her know things must change and now.
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She needs her own place. Maybe you can tell her she deserves and has a right to her own life. And if she is safe living alone perhaps housing for the elderly (subsidized) would provide her with that opportunity. Apply ASAP, In the meantime, you might want to stop enabling her. If you find this difficult trying some counseling to help with ideas on how to break the cycle. I think jeannegibbs is right on.
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Since she is 67 and obviously needs help, assisted living would be a great choice.
There was on another blog on this sight about letting your loved one volunteer at an assisted living for bingo, a job to meet and greet the other other residents, and they become people your mother knows and when you say something like they need you, she can be moved sooner. I hope you can find tat blog it sure sounded like a way to move resistant people into a new living situation and for you...your freedom back!
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I don't understand Why you would Post this.
I think YOU need be Responsible for her actions& instead of saying she is
responsible for your whole life&being with you.
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jeannegibbs.......................Great answer!!!! bobbyblue12..........If you don't follow some of these great advices, then you don't REALLY want mom out! After all this time, I think it should be pretty easy to do. I know it would be for me! Good luck!
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??????????? to Francis.
I don't think a physically healthy 67 year old would want to live in assisted living, she needs people her own age or younger to help her out of her rut, I just can't see Mick Jagger, Tina Turner or Rod Stewart in assisted living could you?
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NO I couldn't..seems kinda weird kicking a Mother out...I find it quite peculiar.after all
she did for them.
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..if Mother cant communicate with them and just provides for them financially..it is
not very good for her to stay there since she isn't wanted. she is 67&can move away
from their situation&start by being with people her own age.
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I don't envy you! What a mess! And since relatives know all about how to push your buttons I doubt this is going to be easy, hopefully without any major meltdowns! As one friend advised me, "you need to thicken your Teflon!" and don't let her play on your emotions. And who knows? If you try to stay optimistic, and make it sound like it WILL be better for her also, in the end everything could very well be better, for everyone.
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As the child who was the mother to my mother most of my life, and is looking out after that same elderly woman now, I say find your mom three options and tell her "PICK ONE!" A rental house or an apartment or independent senior living. The bulk of HER money should go to HER living arrangements and utilities and car expense, if she drives, and food. If this was your grown child mooching off you and whining and blowing it's money, you would most certainly have practiced "tough love" a long, long time ago. It's time your mother grew up! And it's time you guys got your life back before, like me, you are fearful that you have lost your souls because of her.
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Francis, nowhere did it say the woman supports her children. It is the other way around. They support HER and she not only doesn't contribute, she blows all her money to the point they are helping HER out financially and it is ruining their lives and SHE doesn't care as long as SHE gets what SHE wants! My advice is to move her out and don't ever move her back in and don't give her one more nickel.
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My mother uses the same "you hate me" manipulation whenever she doesn't get her way. Okay, so hate me, if that's what it takes for me to keep my own strength and sanity. Being willing for her to hate you is the beginning of reclaiming your own power in this situation. In fact, YOU are in the power seat and you seem to have convinced yourself your mother is. Courage! All you have to is decide ENOUGH IS ENOUGH
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Only 1of3......My sentiments exactly!!! No one said anything about sending bobbyblue's mom to an assisted living facility! The woman is healthy and has money, so she should be appreciating the fact that she has so much more than many many people who aren't as fortunate! 67???? OMG.....SHE'S A BABY!!!!
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Hi bobbyblue12, I hope you can find some peace with treating your mom like the responsible adult she should be. I'm almost 63 and I can't imagine being totally dependent on children. Your mom isn't 85 - she's in her 60s and should be well able to care for herself. Your mom is responsible for her OWN health and happiness, you're not! You're responsible to yourself and YOUR immediate family.

She's got the financial means to take care of herself, but chooses not to. But why should she, since you'll take care of her despite her irresponsible choices of gambling, blowing money, or giving it away. It's NOT your responsibility to bail your mom out of her self-created messes.

Like others have said, give her a date to move out and stick to it. Then set some boundaries around your relationship with her. Offer to help her with resources (counseling, support groups, activity groups, etc.) but let her choose to use those resources or not. Given her history, I imagine it will take a real wake-up call for her to make any changes. Tough love from you is needed here.

And compassion for yourself. You love your mom but you don't have to be a slave to your mom's dysfunction. My mom is 93 and going strong. Imagine the next 30 years with your mom sponging off of you. How does that feel?

I'd also recommend you get some counseling to understand that letting your mom manipulate and abuse you isn't fair to you, your mental health and your own family. You deserve a life too! A happy life with your own immediate family. Good luck and please keep us posted!
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If you are spending $ on her, anyway, it would be worth it to me to find her an apartment and pay the first months rent. Of course, she is going to have to pass the background check and have a good credit rating. That part might be a problem. But, you need to give her a deadline and stick to it.
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I began writing a LOT of stuff, but just got rid of it. The bottom line is you are being worked. Old family dynamics die hard. You knew deep inside when you got out, that you HAD to. Do not undo what you knew you had to do. And your mother will never be grateful. You know that.
If you really want to help and not enable her, get her out and tell you that you will be glad to find someone to work together with to help her keep her finances on track. You said she has not health insurance but she is old enough to be on Medicare and should be. If she is signed up for social security she should also have health insurance. Pat B won't cost her much at all and Part A is free.
Hate to say this, but this is really up to you. You will just have to stick your fingers in your ears when she starts with you, but be firm. Keep telling yourself and her too - the best way to show your kids that you love them is to prepare and take care of yourself in retirement. Buying gifts and lending money that she can't afford is no gift. It makes her feel important or whatever, but creates a burden for you. You deserve her to be a grown up. You have stepped up and done the responsible thing and it's time she did too.
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Francis, Did you even read beyond the OP's headline? I am being serious.

The mother is not providing for them financially at all. I don't understand how someone could comment on a post without actually READING the content of a post. If you had done that, you would not be posting negative comments toward the OP. You're not being helpful which is the point of this forum.
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People post comments about different situations because they need to vent and get advice from others. The above comment...first line...does not sound supportive! Bobby's mom moved in with her and she probably thought/hoped it would somehow work out. Unfortunately, it hasn't. It's one of those situations that unless you've ever had to deal with it yourself you couldn't possibly understand. I do agree with the deadline though. Bobbyblue12: get your life back! Best of luck to you!
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First of all, she does have health insurance. She gets Medicare and that pays for 80% of medical expenses. Before social security pays her, they take out the monthly expense of insurance before she receives her amount. Secondly, if she is getting $3K per month in benefits, she can afford her own place. YOU will have to be the adult here and tell her she has one month to find a place because you will no longer be allowing her to live with you. YOU be the grown-up and stop allowing her to take advantage of YOU. When she cries, walk away. She is only 67 yrs. and has many more years to aggravate someone else. Make sure it is in her own place!
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***The comment from Francis...first line...not supportive.......
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Hello Bobby. This is a bit complicated. I feel
We are working with several "issues". I feel
That your mom needs help. While the
"shock treatment" will get her out, I am
Not sure if it could be the cure over all.
I believe she needs some counseling.
We need to get some issues solved soon,
Such as the health care, depending on
Her set up, she will already be penalized on
Part d. If you do not understand medicare/
Part d and medicare supplement, contact
Your local aging commission.
Overall, we need to help mom stand, gain
Strength, and walk on her own, so she can
Be independent.

Maybe with counseling with both mental and
Physical, and those who are narrowing
Are felt with, maybe we can get mom
To a place where both of you are happy.
If gambling is a major problem most states
Have a counseling program.

I have a feeling, that dispute all the current
Headaches, you would like to see your
Mom get the help she needs, and get over
All her coping methods that don't work,
And get to a place where both of you
Are happy.


I wish you well and good luck.
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Why are you bearing the whole responsibility ? Don't do this- you are not
Joan of Arc. Discuss with your sibilings about alternative living arrangements with them equally. Remember she gave birth to you and your sibilings. Otherwise advise her with a deadline to find another place nearby all sibilings or within reach in case of assistance. Don't make the mistake everyone else makes and fell guilty ( I am on the last string on my rope right now in my situation ). also don't make the same mistake I made make your stand and stand by your convictions. GOOD LUCK.
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Stop enabling her. Give her the ultimatum of either contributing financially or finding another place to live. Don't feel guilty! Your mother obviously doesn't feel guilty about using you to her own advantage! How is it your mother does not have medicare for health insurance, she is 67?
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This crazy. Get to a shrink, for the best way to handle this. You need to get over guilt feelings. You don't love me, blah, blah. Enough is enough, you need to tell her to go, and back it up. It is one thing to caregive a helpless invalid, and another to enable bad behavior. I suggest a therapist, one who will help you with your immediate problem. They know just the right thing to say and do, and give you support to overcome your Mom's bullying.
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