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My Mother in Law used to have a caregiver come into her home 3 times a week since we were in FL and she was living in MA. My son is her only child, I have been married for 26 years, and she has hated me from the beginning. We went to visit her and found out she actually told the nursing care she only wanted one day a week when we came. There was soil marks and a horrible smell of urine and feces.


Fast forward we ended up having to put her in a nursing home here in FL to be closer to us. My husband works full time as a professor and I also work full time. We have a 17 yr old son that lives at home and attends school and works...the problem is she calls us at least a few times a week and always gets in an argument because “we work too much.” Honestly we are exhausted from trying to entertain her, she cannot leave because she is wheelchair bound and I can’t get her into our truck, she refuses to do any activities, the nurse’s deal with her anger issues on a daily basis and sometimes refuses their care.


We see her once a week, I know that’s not enough but honestly we just dread to go there because she gets so nasty and everything we do is not good enough. My husband and I fight constantly because I am still bitter at the way she treated me for so many years. I was just on the phone with her and it was difficult because she can’t hear and I am always repeating myself, and when I told her I can’t see her because I’m working she made the same comment you are always working! It’s so hard not to get angry but I don’t know what else to do, we have no help from anyone else and it’s just the both of us. Is this our fault because we don’t go enough? I hated putting her in a nursing home but we couldn’t take care of her and after falling down the stairs in her basement we had to make that decision. My husband is getting frustrated and angry and we constantly fight. Any advice would be grateful!!! I hope this makes sense because I am so upset after just talking with her!

Feeling your pain! My in-laws live down the street, and we are their primary caregivers. We moved them here from their hometown 3 years ago. We’ve since been cobbling together our own DIY version of assisted living, but we are very close to placing them in a facility. My MIL can be very mean. She seems to be mellowing out a little, but I still try to avoid her as much as possible. My husband is their only child, and we have no other family in town. So, yeah, it’s all on us. I do all of the behind the scenes stuff — bills, appts, scheduling care givers and transportation, managing meds, etc. She usually doesn’t call during the day unless she needs something urgently. When the phone rings in the evening, I hand it straight to my husband. As others have said above, remove yourself from the line of fire. Focus on your husband and your kids. Support your husband any way you can. Pick up his slack at home while he’s away caring for her.
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Reply to FarmJelly
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I said they can't refuse her care but she can refuse care. They cannot make her do what she doesn't want to.
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Nicole0807 Sep 17, 2018
Yes she has never liked anyone to tell her what to do😖
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Look after your husband and your marriage first. There is no point in reliving the problems of past years, but if seeing your MIL now makes you angry and is bad for your relationship with your husband, if might be best if you don’t go with him on the visits. Stay home and provide a good welcome for him when he gets back! If she phones you, say you have to go and hang up. Your distress isn’t helping your husband at the moment, so you aren’t ‘abandoning’ him by staying out of it.
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Nicole0807 Sep 17, 2018
Thank you so much! I have always felt awful if I didn’t support him but this has made so much sense now
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Mom has Dementia. The first thing they loose is their reasoning and processing. I had a family friend put in a shower for Mom. It turned out really nice but Mom acted like she didn't know it was for her and didn't appreciate it. I felt bad for the friend. He had put a lot of work into it. Her brain is broken and its going to get worse. At least she is in a NH and please don't consider bringing her to ur house.

She is your husbands mother. Let him deal with her. Be supportive and there for him. Can u block MIL from work phone? If not, then her phone should disappear. If there is an emergency, the staff will contact you. By the way, staff cannot refuse her care. There r meds that will calm MIL down. I am surprised it hasn't been suggested.

Please, don't bring up past problems with MIL. Don't take what she says to heart. Keep telling yourself its the Dementia.
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Nicole0807 Sep 17, 2018
Thank you JoAnn, it’s so hard to think this way because she is so angry all of the time...I appreciate answers from others who have been there, and no I could never bring her into our home, just too much stress. Today she told me we could have all of her money? What money? All of her mo he goes to pay for her care, we both work to survive and take care of our kids but I’m just tired...I lost my own mother 4 years ago and it was sudden, my husband is 12 years older than myself so I am not used to this. Again thank you
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