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Hi, I joined up about a year ago after my grandfather decided to move into an independent living unit at a retirement village rather than move across the country to live with/near my aunty who wanted him to do that. When he first moved in he was very negative about everything and I posted about that a fair bit in the beginning hundred posts of the "Is it normal she's so negative? ' thread. My posts waned as his mood improved.

Well, things have come to a head this week. I got a call from aunty last weekend saying that she was planning to come to our city and take him this coming Monday (16/3) , by force if necessary (husband and cousin to help in the muscle department) , to her hometown across the country. A spot has opened up in a NH very close to her and apparently my grandfather has been harassing her to leave her family and come and live with him because he thinks he can't cope alone anymore. Understandably, she doesn't want to do this. My grandfather threatened to get himself hospitalised in response and she asked me to go over and make sure he didn't do that (I started out visiting fortnightly last year then about monthly last few months).

So I went over, apartment seemed fine although he was noticeably thinner and there was less food in the fridge than normal (although still plenty for at least a week). I cooked a huge roast which I had shopped for before coming over. He refused to eat it because his Meals on Wheels meal was already defrosted but that didn't bother me, I just put a plate aside for the next day and froze the rest, figuring my aunty could eat it when she came on Wednesday (yesterday) even if he wouldn't. I stayed overnight and I agree with my aunty that he needs more help now - he kept saying that he can't go into a NH as they will find out he's a 'terrible danger' and evict him. When asked why, he kept saying that the 'brain shorts' in his head will cause electrical appliances to blow up. I am not sure if he's really feeling these zaps or getting increasingly desperate to convince my aunty she needs to be his fulltime carer. Before these latest reasons, he was worried about toilet access on the five hour flight.

Anyway, have been messaging my aunty all afternoon and she said he has been horrible and lots of arguments. He said he will NOT get on that plane. I didn't talk about the move with him last weekend as my aunty had not disclosed the plan to him at that stage. Now she has and I am just wondering what the best thing for me, and otger family members, to say to him to convince him that it's the right decision would be. I am a but shocked by the suddenness too but I know that my aunt would have thought long and hard about it. My grandfather would never quickly come to a decision about this - he would take years and in the meantime there would him constantly refusing care from anyone but family members (we tried to get carers- he wouldn't have them). I am his only relative left in this city so if my aunty didn't come and he wouldn't accept a NH/care, I am not sure what we could do..

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I wouldn't try to force him onto an airplane. That is the last place you want to put a combative person. If he started out combative, they would just put him off the airplane. They wouldn't take a risk like that and I wouldn't blame them. Who wants the terror of a person acting out while flying?
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mimihao, when elders refuse to move to the next level of care it usually takes a fall or illness that gets them into the ER... and from the ER to the rehab facility... and then to assistant living or a nursing home.

Sounds like Grand-dad is making up crazy excuses so that he doesn't need to leave the retirement village.... he's probably happy there, has made friends, and doesn't want to leave.
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I agree about the evaluation and I disagree about him not needing a NH. If dementia is found he may do well in an assisted living. Someone needs a POA financially and medically. Not sure if ur Aunt can force him to do anything.
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It's possible he has some dementia, which would change his perception. It could eventually be dangerous for him to live alone because with dementia, safety issues are not understood. Your aunt can't 'make' him get on a plane, Sounds like he needs a full medical workup, make sure his doc knows that is going on so he can better assess. It may be that his dementia has progressed enough that he is no longer capable to take care of his medical and financial affairs. The doctor can complete an incapability statement, then you'd need a second. If he is truly incapable then a guardianship can be sought. Just remember a guardianship is the last resort. His doctor may be able to make some other recommendations.
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It sounds like before any move takes place, he needs to be evaluated and his level of care assessed. It doesn't sound as though he needs a nursing home. That's for someone with an underlying physical illness, loss of mobility and difficulties with managing their activities of daily living, like toileting, bathing and dressing.

I'm wondering if he's on meds and taking them properly? Those brain zaps he's talking about sound like a side effect that some folks get when they decrease or stop taking certain antidepressants. I think getting him to the hospital and getting his physical and mental condition assessed sounds like a good start to the plan. It would have the added benefit of a doctor who could tell him what care he needs. This is often a more poweful persuader than a younger relative's opinion.
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