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My mother and I co-care for my 88yr old grandmother with Alzheimers Disease. My mother handles her medical and financial issues and responsibilities, while I am more of the daily caregiver. My grandmother, though not happy about it, has gone along with needing care, not driving etc...her financial responsibilities however are the last thing she is willing to let go of or the control of them. She was the household bill payer and prided herself how she managed her home and finances. She has been unable to manage them for several years and gave them to my mother to handle. However, like I said she can not let go of the control of them. With that said, I am finding it difficult to mediate between the two as we have another "mother daughter" dynamic happening between myself and my mother as well. My grandmother is constantly "firing" my mother from paying her bills and hates that they are paid online, as she doesn't understand the technology. Due to my mother's busy schedule paying online or auto payments are the most convenient options for her. Once a month and usually more frequent, they fight about bills, payments, procedures. It causes major agitation and anxiety in my grandmother and my mother becomes short and authoritative with her. My sister and I sat down with our mother and suggested she remove the mail/bills, and paper work from our grandmother's house, not involve her in reconciling and possibly create an allowance acct that my grandmother can "manage" herself. She has done all but the allowance but still goes over the bills, payments and acct balances with my grandmother. It's too much to understand, especially the way my mother handles her books, which is just different than how my grandmother did it. Any suggestions on how we can help her let go of the control, reduce the agitation or create a "dumby" situation so that we don't continue to cause unneeded anxiety and agitation. Short of ripping it like a band-aid and totally taking everything away, which my mother does not feel will help, we are at a loss. The control need she has increases as the disease does. Thanks for any help!!

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I have all access to and responsibility for moms bills. problem is her monthly income barely meets the needs of the basics.. neve rmind the medical that's not covered..and I have no income so yes I had to use some of her credit cards..like to pay my cell phone.. thank goodness for tax refunds.. but I have a daughter in her last year of college so of course there are expenses there.
I am qualified for unemployment on paper (I had an employment agreement with my mother ) however her funds have run out. So I am still doing the job just not getting paid. and due to my " domestic responsibilites" and not a able look for work. any suggestions ?
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For years, I've had to go around my dad's back to pay for all of mom's and his 20% copayment. My dad has this belief that because he's a senior citizen, ALL services should be free. That because they're old, they don't have to pay for anything. I recently called up the ambulance service in the US mainland because we didn't receive one billing - the ambulance ride from the hospital to home. I waited for months for it and it never came in. When the person found out that I had no POA, she told me that she cannot release any info to me. I explained the above situation and said that I believe that since services were rendered, it should be paid. Again, she refused to give me info. I said, Fine. At least I tried to pay for the bill. Good bye....
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She won't let go, it is part of the dementia. We have mom's bills sent to our house, so she does not even see them. You can even go paperless billing on many accounts. She won't argue if she does not see the bills. We noted mom did not pay tax bills, "because they are too high" so be very aware of property taxes. Unpaid taxes mean her house goes to the county tax auction. Not a good thing.
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Great idea about paying the bills automatically on-line... my parents are starting to change over to that because I am afraid they have had some late payments because of misplaced bills when tend to get buried on my father's desk.

I don't help them with any of the financial stuff, I figure since they refuse to move to a retirement village then it is still their own responsibility to keep up with their bill paying. If they would have moved, then they would have only a couple of bills to think about, life would be so much simpler for everyone.

Since your Mom does the accounting differently from your Grandmother it might be best to wean Grandmother away from even looking at the books. I know that would bother me, too, if one is using a different way to keep the books. Being that Grandmother has Alzheimer's eventually she will become disinterested with the bill paying.
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Arizona, are you being paid for your caregiving?

With regard to billpaying, what might happen if mom didn't go over bills with Gma anymore? Would she ask if you didn't bring it up? Maybe mom could be convinced just to skip a session. If gma asks, can you say, oh, we've taken care of it? Even though you think it won't work, you should give it a try. Gma might be relieved.
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