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He is demanding, wants things immediately and says very loudly that the staff is uneducated. I am sure he would receive better care if he weren't so mean. All he does is complain how he is trapped there and i dread visiting or talking to him. He has beginning stages of alzheimer's which he denies. He is also a physician so he is arrogant and thinks the doctors are all misdagnosing him. Rehab has pets, I bring my two year old to visit, etc and he just ignores them and has a pity party. We have tried companion services which he does not like. He wants to move back home with caretakers but I know he will also treat them so poorly. Any tips how to get him help without letting him be so mean to everyone?

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My own father is in a Nursing Home and currently receiving rehab. He has suddenly become agitated and his dementia has increased by leaps and bounds. He is nasty to the staff, even going so far as to throwing food at them. I was so embarrassed, even though I have no call to be. It is breaking my heart.
Fortunately, the staff is very good, and do not withhold care no matter how bad he gets. I suspect that your situation is the same. The medical nurses will run tests to make sure there is no organic reason for his behavior, and the assistants will care for his needs the best way they can.
I wish I could tell you it will get better, but there are no promises, and in most cases it only gets worse. I can only hope and pray that my dad will settle down some, and perhaps his mind will clear just a little. In the mean time, I will NOT withhold any of my visits, though I will probably make them shorter if his behavior gets unruly. He need assurance that I am there and love him, even if he doesn't show it. I will cry on the way home, but I will not give up.
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RockHardPlace, seeing people coming into his house can be caused by a uti. Or it could be a sign of dementia. There are probably other explanations but those are the most common. He needs to see a doctor to either rule out or treat the uti. I wouldn't mention that you want him to see a doctor because he is hallucinating -- he thinks those people are real and he will just think you are crazy or have selfish motives. But if there is any other way you can get him in for a "check up" and then send the doctor a note about the hallucinations, you would be doing your father a real kindness.

Aside from posible mental problems, what kinds of things does your father need help with? What would he expect you to do if you quite your job, gave up your life, and moved in with him? I'm certainly not suggesting you even consider that -- just trying to get an idea of your father's condition.

If your father is not able to live on his own, it doesn't sound like he is a good candidate for in-home care. Getting him meals on wheels and a visiting nurse and a homemaker, etc. would probably not work out with his paronoia and belligerence. That leaves long term care. Maybe Assissted Living would be appropriate, depending on his level of impairment. Maybe he really will need memory care, if his impairments include dementia. A foster home is a possibility. Or perhaps a skilled nursing care facility is what he will need.

Your father sometimes thinks you are after his money. Is there a lot of money? The various options can be quite expensive, and which ones are actually available to him depends in part on his resources.

But even people with no money at all and who are demanding and obnoxious do find safe, comfortable, caring homes in Nursing Homes.

Show your love to your father by working on identifying his impairments, his needs, and his options. Call the Aging helpline in his state for suggestions on how to go about this. But while you do this, be very clear in your own mind that disrupting your life and moving in to take care of him is not one of the options!

Hugs and best wishes,
Jeanne
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I'm in a similar situation with my father. He has always been verbally abusive when he doesn't get his way, and I'm afraid a nursing home will not put up with it. He refuses to pay anyone to come in the house to help (except me, I'm supposed to quit my job (in another state) and move in with him to "take care of me". He is paranoiac. Giving him depression or MMSE "tests" sends him in to a rage and provokes accusations that "you're trying to show I'm out of my mind so you can get my money". Then he turns around and tells me I don't "treat him like a father" because I have never asked him for money. He only wants things his way and the more I try to accommodate him, call, visit, etc the more manipulative he becomes, so I keep my distance. Last week a neighbor called and said he was beginning to imagine groups of people were coming to visit him (TV ???) and inviting the neighbors in to meet them. I simply don't know what to do. I have emailed for information about geriatric care workers, but anther post that said it cost $9000/month makes me think that may not be possible.
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It is said that doctors make the worst patients. Your Dad is feeling out of control; but that doesn't give him a free pass to be mean to the staff. Is he on a lot of medication that he has never been on before? Certain medications make some people cranky, but that doesn't excuse bad behaviour either.

My mother had been very difficult to deal with when at rehab; I found that keeping a distance from the situation did help and sometimes they need to figure out for themselves how to act and respond when in these circumstances. Listening to constant complaining does not serve anyone well.

Take care and hope he improves.
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1. You are not responsible for your father's behavior. There is no need for you to be embarrassed by it or apologetic for it. HE is being grumpy and demanding -- not you. This is a truth you'll need to embrace often as his dementia progresses. You can be sympathetic and grateful to the staff. Maybe bring them cupcakes! But always keep in mind that this is NOT YOUR FAULT.
2. Your father might get friendlier care if he were more reasonable and friendly himself, but I doubt very much that he would get medically better care. The staff are professionals. This isn't the first obnoxious patient they have cared for and it won't be the last.
3. Love your dad. Accept his flaws and his disease. But perhaps it would be best to distance yourself from him somewhat in the current situation. I don't mean disown him and never visit! But maybe less frequent and shorter visits would reduce your stress levels a little.

Hugs and best wishes to you.
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Well it sounds like we aren't the only ones that don't always know how to contend with someone who is out of control... can't HIS doctor talk to him.... maybe that would work.... I doubt anything you say is going to make a difference.. and not to excuse his behavior but sounds like he is scaired... for the first time he isn't in control.... but doubt there is anything you can say or do... just don't go visit for awile, why put yourself thru that?... And he will still get good care, if he allows it, how he acts has nothing to do with the staff doing thier job, but tell his Dr. he or she needs to talk with him....or bring him some cupcakes with something SPECIAL in them, he'll calm right down....wishing you the best for this situation... hugs to you....
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My mother-in-law had to spend a few weeks in a nursing home/rehab after breaking her hip, just about a month ago now. She also has Alz. so she couldn't remember breaking her hip, so therefore every single waking moment she'd go thru the 'why?' 'when?' 'where?' etc of being there. It was exhausting truthfully, but the only time she was crabby was when she was in physical pain. Her personality is such that she's NOT a mean person, just confused. Your dad sounds like he's had a lifetime of being demanding and like you said 'arrogant', so now that Alz. has come upon him, it's only going to intensify (unfortunately). I don't know how logical you can be with him anymore, cause being logical isn't usually in the cards with Alzheimer's, but if there IS a possibility that he can see how he's acting thru the eyes of the caregivers there, then maybe...? Since he was a doctor, he must have had patients that were a pain in the rear like he is being now, and maybe if he could remember what THEY were like to deal with, he might see things a little differently. I wouldn't hold your breath though. Sorry.
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