Any tips on avoiding being accused of any wrongdoing?

A camera and a tape recorder

avenida...I find it uncanny that you have read what I have written here and conclude that I am "paranoid". What's the saying..."just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to do you harm". There's a big difference between just being paranoid for no reason, and being paranoid as a result of someone's previous hurtful behavior toward you. It's hard to make someone understand what it's like dealing with a sociopath that has never experience it firsthand. If you're ever unlucky enough to run across one in your life, only then will you get it.

Well today is the big day I leave to go visit my mom. I am a little anxious but looking forward to spending some time with her. I thought of another pitfall...when I leave her to go get something to eat or run an errand or whatever I'm thinking I should notify my siblings that I am not there with her for however long I plan to be away. That way if something should happen while I'm not there I won't be accused of not tending to her adequately. I am a little concerned also that because my brother and sister chewed out some of the staff there for taking 2 hours to respond to a call for help my mother made, that they may treat me with some hostility. Anyway, we'll see how it all goes. If anything noteworthy happens I'll post it on here. Bye bye...wish me luck!!

Hey 2nd - good luck. I think your siblings may have done you a favor by chewing out the staff - although the staff probably deserved it - two hours?!! Anyhow - now you have the opportunity to be the hero, the good daughter. Kill the staff with kindness and they'll probably forever be in your corner no matter how this visit plays out.

Thank you so much Rainmom...

Bring cookies for them...

You are not there to "serve" your mom, you are there to visit.
I'm curious, did mom tell brother about a two hour wait? Would mom complain about you to them? Is she a " pot stirrer"?

I would not go anywhere near mom. Let her find some bonded help to do whatever. you may just as well being set up again.

Be sure to keep us posted on how this plays out. I hope it goes well and that you have a good visit. ;-)

Well, my visit with my mom went pretty well and I'm back home - got in late last night. My mom kept me running, catering to her every whim for the past 4 days!! She is a very demanding patient, being a trained RN and very bossy. She wants everything done just so, and is always micromanaging everyone that is helping her, and really nitpicky about every little detail and critical of most of the staff. The scowling faces she made when having to wait for an aide to respond to her call, or when they were trying to move her in and out of bed, were just over the top. I had ordered her a new bedpan that was delivered the day I got there, and of course turned out to not be the exact one she wanted. But I told her to try it out and if she didn't like it we could throw it away. She ended up liking it - or at least as well as you can "like" a bedpan!! Little things...like her sheet had to be folded in half lengthwise, pillows had to be rearranged to her liking again and again. I would no sooner sit down than there would be another "need" or request to hop up and get something, move something, run down the hall and reheat something, or whatever. It was quite a workout. The worst thing about the Long Term Care facility was the HEAT!! It was probably 85° in there most of the time, meaning I was sweating almost the entire the time I was there. I really don't know how the staff is able to work and run around like they do in that hot environment. But the elderly like it warm apparently.

All in all it was a good visit and was nice seeing my family with my nasty sister not in the middle of everything for once. One of my mom's visitors was surprise to hear I was staying in a $75/nt. guest suite in the building my mom's apartment is in. She asked why I wasn't staying in my mom's apartment, and I couldn't come out and say "Because I wanted to avoid being accused of stealing things, moving things around, etc." So I just said "Uh, I don't know, it just seemed easier..." I never even entered my mom's apartment, nor had a key, so I didn't leave my sister much to work with as far as slander material. So it was a good visit and hopefully down the road I won't hear through the grapevine about any things I did wrong, failed to do, or whatever. I gave it my very best and if that isn't good enough, well next time I won't spend the $700 and 4 days of my time to come visit and take care of her.

To answer your question Babalou...yes my mom definitely is a "pot stirrer". And she will likely complain about me to my sister, any little detail she can think of that wasn't quite to her liking. Her loyalty is to my sister since she lives there in town and manages our mom's care, finances, etc. - everything. So I can expect some of that from my mom to reassure my sister that she is still #1 and there is no risk of her being dethroned by good ol' me..."2nd Best". I'm happy to be just that!!

2nd - so happy for you that your visit went well. Isn't it ironic that having nothing gi wrong, nothing bad happening constitutes a good visit?! I know what you mean about the heat - I was in the midst of menopause when my dad was failing. The hot flashes were brutal but I spent everyday for two months visiting him at the end - June and July, mind you - in their IL apartment where they had the heat on to 80+! I'd have to go home and shower after every visit and I still developed an awful heat rash that for some odd reason still acts up - three years later, when I get the least bit hot! Last week I visited my mom. She was sleeping under full bedding, comforter etc in a polar fleece jacket and the thermstat in her room was set at 76. Anyhow - glad you made it!

2ndBest, does your sister actually spent every waking moment with your Mom in her apartment. Does she live with her too? I wasn't sure why you were worried that you might need to leave a message to one of your local siblings should you have needed to leave the facility for a while or even a couple of hours? Surely the staff there take pretty good care of your Mom in the absence of family! Your sister has a very strong hook into your Mom's life, and I'm so sorry that you have been relegated to feel second best. It's all so unfair, especially when you jumped at the chance to spend those few days alone with your Mom! I'm glad you had a good visit and that everything worked out well for you! Feel good about that and don't let your sister spoil your good time!

glad things went well

Thank you all for your thoughtful and supportive comments. staceyb...to answer your question - my sister doesn't live with my mom but visits her (I am told) usually in the mornings before she goes to work and returns after work for a few hours. But the reason I felt I had to let everyone know I was out was that if something happened to my mom in my absence, my siblings would say they were depending on me to be there with her and since I wasn't and didn't alert them that she was alone, my mom had something bad happen. They might claim that they would have been there if they knew she was alone (even though they probably wouldn't have). The service from staff at the center she is in is a little spotty...it can be a couple hours between stops in her room to check on her. From my observation, if she hits the call button it can be quite a while before they appear. It could be that they knew I was there with her so assumed it wasn't urgent. I don't know if they're more attentive with a family member there, or less so since they feel she is being watched by a family member. Anyway, I did send out a group text to all my sibs (including my sister) letting them know the time I left for the airport to catch my flight home last night, and how Mom was doing when I left her. That way they couldn't blame me if something happened later that night after I had already left.

Wow rainman...you really endured a lot with months of heat in your parents' apartment during menopause, no less!! I can so relate...you are a trooper for sure!!

Hugs to all of you and thanks so much for your moral support!! I appreciate all of your comments and shared experiences!

I forgot to mention that my sister called my mom while I was there. My mom did her usual thing where she tells my sister all the activities she did without ever mentioning that I did those things with/for her. For example...she said "I walked up and down the hallways.", when in fact I pushed her in her wheelchair up and down the hallways, spending a lot of time looking at all the pics on the walls, birds in their cage, talking to people, etc. It was really a nice time we spent together and I wanted to get my mom out of her room just to perk her up a little. But that tells me that she doesn't dare rock the boat or make my sister think I am doing too good of a job of taking care of her for fear she might stir up some jealousy in my sister. My mom has done that before when talking on the phone to my sister - not acknowledging that I participated in an activity with her, as if I'm not even there. Another thing that I found telling was that when I texted my sibs and their kids in the group text after I left for the airport, mentioning that I enjoyed seeing my brother and his kids while there, my brother and my niece both responded to my text privately instead of responding to the whole group, saying that they enjoyed my visit too and thanking me for treating them to dinner. That way my sister doesn't know that they enjoyed my visit too. They all have to play that I am the enemy and if they have anything to do with me it is kept under her radar. She has all the control and everyone has to tiptoe around her to stay in our mom's good graces. Sad what has become of my family.