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My sociopathic sister asked me to come visit my mom for 4 days while she goes on vacation. My 87 yr old mom has been in a skilled nursing facility since she fell almost a month ago. I live out of state but am going to visit her for 4 days in a few weeks to help take care of her while my sister is away. My sister is an evil liar and backstabber, so just wanted to be aware of any ways I can avoid trouble. I'm a little concerned that since I have no authority as far as my mother's health or financial matters - my sister has total control of her - I can't be involved in medical decisions. I'm just trying to think of some pitfalls I could fall in to if I'm not prepared for them. Say an emergency arises and the doctors won't talk to me since I have no healthcare authorization over her. So I will be excluded from any sharing of information or decisions but I am there overseeing her care. Or something happens - she falls out of bed, goes in to cardiac arrest, or whatever during my visit and I get blamed for it. I feel like I'm walking into a firestorm. Maybe I should bring a nannycam to record everything during my visits? Just trying to think of ways this visit could backfire on me. I'm not staying in her room, I am paying to stay in a guest room at the senior residence where her apt is. My sister said I could stay in my mom's apartment, but I don't want to leave myself open to accusations of theft and snooping. I have learned the hard way that it is a lot better to not even enter her apartment. If I do have to enter for any reason, such as my mom asks me to get something for her, I will have a security person accompany me as a witness. Sorry, I know this sounds paranoid, but I am dealing with a sociopath of a sister who stays up at night thinking of ways to trap and sabotage me. I don't speak to her except rare emails that are strictly business related to my mom. I am starting to have anxiety and second thoughts about going. I am a good person and would never do anything the least bit harmful, but my sister has made it her life's ambition to paint me out to be a bad person as a way to win favor with our mom and the rest of our family. Last visit there I was accused (after I left) of finding a watch my sister had lost and hiding it in my mom's financial document bag. I only found out a month later when my brother called me to let me know she was telling everyone that, and most believed her fabrication apparently. Any advise will be appreciated.

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I'm confused. You stated your mother is in a "skilled nursing facility", then state you're staying in a "guest room at the senior residence where her apt is", then mention your mother's apartment.

There's a big difference between an apartment in a senior community and a skilled nursing facility. And that would make a huge difference in any physical issues that might arise and how they should be handled.

Although I don't question the need of a daughter to be with her mother, I do wonder why it is that your sister feels you need to be there when she's on vacation. If your mother's in a SNF, there's more care there than you could possibly provide. They've have a copy of any DNR and would respond accordingly.

Honestly, with all the tension and suspicion you have toward your sister (which may be justified - I don't know), I would try to make arrangements to visit your mother at a restaurant or neutral place, or always in the company of someone else. Can your brother visit with you?

If she is in a senior living facility, visit with her in public areas where there are others around, especially staff. You might even ask staff about this beforehand and see if they'll "monitor" your visits.

It's really sad though to read of the suspicion and tension in your family.
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2ndbest, get medicated for your paranoia or don't go at all. Sorry, but if you don't overcome the anxiety you have, it could be a rough ride.
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Here's another thought: contact the facility and see if they have Skype capability. If they do, and you do as well, arrange to Skype with your mother at specific times, such as mid morning and evening just before bedtime, to give her some good thoughts as she falls asleep. The staff could help set things up so your mother doesn't have to deal with figuring out how to use the equipment.
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Wow. I'm feeling anxiety on your behalf just reading your post! Sounds like you and your sister are locked in a losing battle. Is your name "2ndbest" because of your pecking order in the family? That makes me sad, but I'm no stranger to low self-esteem. And it sounds like your sister is ultra controlling, possibly a bully. As advised by the others, I would either back off completely, or try to change your focus and leave suspicion behind. This really should be all about your mother, and offering her some quality of life at this stage of her journey. Can you focus more on that and let the stupid drama dissipate? I know that's the hardest thing to do, but if you can be the mature one in this scenario, it will make you feel so much better. Courage.
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The staff at the skilled nursing facility should be administering her medication. Your sister nor you would have any reason to be doing that.

I would visit while others are around. The door to the nursing home room may be left open.

If your sister is so against you, why are you going to visit your mom when she is out of town? With all the things that you anticipate happening....I would imagine that they might.
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2ndbest, As someone who has been the victim of very believable lies on the part of a close relative (the lies were a complete rewriting of what I had thought was a perfectly lovely telephone conversation between the two of us), I understand your concerns. Your "paranoia" (for lack of a better word) may be misplaced in this situation, but you have no way of knowing that for sure. It probably would be best to avoid being alone with your mom. Could you arrange to visit her in one of the common areas and bring along a trustworthy friend or relative?
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GardenArtist...My mom has an apartment in a senior housing building, but after her fall she was moved from the hospital to the skilled nursing unit for rehab on her injuries, including two broken bones. So she still has the apartment, but is currently in a bed at the skilled nursing unit.
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I have a crazy sister to. Don't react to anything she says or does or that goes wrong. Address only the healthcare pros. Act like nothing bothers you. You cannot controll your sister but you can controll any reactionary abuse on your part....
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Why don't you ask one of your other siblings to come with you to visit also?
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Hey 2nd - good luck. I think your siblings may have done you a favor by chewing out the staff - although the staff probably deserved it - two hours?!! Anyhow - now you have the opportunity to be the hero, the good daughter. Kill the staff with kindness and they'll probably forever be in your corner no matter how this visit plays out.
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